Pregnant BM- Did I handle this correctly?

Re: Pregnant BM- Did I handle this correctly?

• missJeanLouise member

  

  January 2018

  dontbeaturd said:

  Newbie here!
  
  One of my BMs is pregnant! She found out a couple weeks ago and I was one of the first people she told. I'm OVER THE MOON excited for her. She is due 1 month before my wedding (wedding is August, due date is Sept). 
  
  I sent her a text this evening asking about the baby (T-Rex is the nickname) and her, etc... Then I said this: "I know your due date is a month before my wedding. I want you to know that if you can't make it, it's totally ok. Your health and sanity and the health of T-Rex are more important than my wedding. Please don't feel bad if you can't make it."
  
  She answered that she would definitely be there and be dancing. I'm worried though. I've never had kids, never been pregnant. Most of my close friends are childless too. The last thing I want to do is make her feel like she needs to be there for me if she can't/shouldn't (baby comes early, bed rest, etc...). I want her to be comfortable and relaxed.  
  
  We live in Texas. August is hot as balls. She's one of my best friends in the entire world. I guess my questions here are these:
  
  1. Did I say the right thing about not wanting her to over extend herself?
  2. What can I do (if she does come) to make things more comfy for her? 

  Stop worrying about it, she knows you care for her but there is literally nothing else you can do at this point. She is very early in her pregnancy and won’t know what’s she needs until much later. If she feels up to coming or not, that is up to her, every pregnancy is different so no one can predict how she will be feeling. 
  Somethings you do for her are setting up a quiet spot with a comfortable chair for feeding the baby and having an empty chair in the front row incase she wants to sit during the ceremony. I don’t have kids so I am sure other Knotties will have more, better suggestions but I think those are a start.
  
  To the bolded, your reception is inside with AC, yeah? 

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• downtondiva member

  

  January 2018

  I see nothing wrong with telling your friend you'll understand if she can't make it to the wedding. That should give her some peace of mind if she ends up being unable to attend. Your heart is in the right place. As far as specific suggestions for her comfort, I'll leave that to other Knotties to offer advice. 
  
  All this being said, now that you've had this initial discussion with your friend, leave it alone for the time being. Don't keep telling her it's okay for her not to come or ask her if she's sure she's up to it. She won't know any of that for sure until your wedding and her due date get closer, and she won't know what she needs to be comfortable until then either. You can revisit the subject at that time. 
  

  
  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  January 2018

  I think what you said is fine; you let her know you care about her & the baby’s health over your wedding, but now I’d leave it at that. She probably won’t know what she needs until far closer. 
  
  A couple things that that might be helpful (apologies if some of this is obvious):
  1) if you haven’t decided on dresses yet I’d suggest having them buy any dress in a particular color. That way she can pick something that fits her and you won’t have to worry about ordering the right dress before hand. 
  2) Make sure she knows the baby can be around for any wedding events. If you’re all getting ready together be patient if she has to step out, if the baby has to be there, or if she can’t fully be at everything. Additionally please invite the baby to the reception. She may decide she wants to bring them, she may not, but please leave it up to her. 
  3) Be flexible. Things might change for her and the baby, so if she says she’s definitely going to be there now, that’s great, but things might change. 
  4) Don’t keep asking her if she’ll be there/what her plans are. Trust what she says and leave it be. 

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• MobKaz member

  

  January 2018

  As others have said, no two pregnancies are alike.  At 8 months, some women feel fantastic, while others want to be D.O.N.E.  Many women work up to, or even past their due dates.
  
  You have let your friend know that your friendship and her health are the priority.  That is the perfect thing to tell her.
  
  PP's suggestion about being a bit more laid back regarding friend's dress options are very helpful.  Hydration, being cool and comfortable, and having a place to literally put her feet up will also be helpful.  Depending on her sleep situation, a long day may be tricky if she is not getting a good night's rest. 
  
  The only other issue would be if friend has to travel for your wedding.  She may not want to be much more than an hour out from home by her 8th month.
  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  January 2018

  As a mom, you handled this just fine. I assuming this is her first. Bless her heart. She might be dancing, or she might be having complications from a c-section and dealing with a colicky baby, and dancing is the last thing she wants to do.
  
  You’ve said what you need to say. You can remind her again a couple weeks before the wedding (when’s RSVPs are due) letting her know you are 100% good with her not making it at all and you’ll be happy knowing she’s taking care of herself. 
  
  If she does come, she’ll probably be nursing. A quiet, private place for her to nurse or pump would be greatly appreciated. Also, postpartum bodies do not bounce right back. Don’t ask her to order her dress far in advance. Even better? Pick a designer, fabric and length and let her choose.

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• lovesclimbing member

  

  January 2018

  I think what you said is fine, but don't keep bringing it up and saying it again and again. 
  
  I had a second-degree tear when I had my daughter, and yet I took a six-mile hike at 2.5 weeks postpartum. I wore her part of the way. Statistically, she will probably have a normal delivery and she and the baby will have no complications.
  
  Regarding your concerns about the baby coming early or her being on bed rest, I don't think those are well founded. Most preemies go home around their due date. So even if that happens, the baby will probably be home well before your wedding. And typically women aren't on bed rest after the delivery. 
  
  Make sure she has a good area to nurse in if she's breastfeeding. 

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• CMGragain member

  

  January 2018 edited January 2018

  At daughter's wedding, one of the bridesmaids had given birth the month before.  The only issue was the fit if the dress.  We needed an insert to cover the breastfeeding enlargement! HA!  No problem with bridesmaid or baby.
  

  

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• levioosa member

  

  January 2018

  Ditto @charlotte989875’s suggestions. Entertain the idea now that things don’t always go to plan and there’s a chance she might not be able to make it at all. I think you were fine with what you said. 

  
  

  
  

  

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• dontbeaturd member

  

  January 2018

  Thank you all for the replies! Here are some clarifications/answers to questions...
  
  1. It's alllllll inside. I personally would like some pictures taken outside, but I don't expect anyone to stay out there for any unreasonable amount of time. I plan on having lots of water, ice, fans, and food available for the getting ready.
  
  2. I have picked a dress. They are ordering off Etsy and they are those multiway convertible dresses that stretch (A LOT). I've also said that she can order the dress whenever or she can show up in yoga pants.She's one of my best friends and her being there and comfortable is more important to me than people having matching dresses. 
  
  3. This is actually baby #3 for her. She was actually camping and hiking when she went into labor with Juju Bean (#2- not his actual name, that's just what Tia Sam calls him). 
  
  4. Her oldest daughter is actually a flower girl, so I would be shocked if she doesn't bring everyone. She will have to travel (I'm about 2ish hours away). I've let her and her husband know that they can stay in my house if they don't want a hotel room (I'll be moved out by then).
  
  I definitely won't say anything else until it's MUCH closer. I really just wanted to make sure that I didn't say anything that would make me a raving hosebeast. 

  
  
  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  January 2018

  If it's #3, she knows the drill and she knows all deliveries are not created equal. She also knows what her post-partum body will likely be like and can figure out her dress ordering from there. 
  
  For now, you've said your piece and can reiterate "the pressure's off" when invites go out. That's all you need to do.

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• banana468 member

  

  January 2018

  southernbelle0915 said:

  If it's #3, she knows the drill and she knows all deliveries are not created equal. She also knows what her post-partum body will likely be like and can figure out her dress ordering from there. 
  
  For now, you've said your piece and can reiterate "the pressure's off" when invites go out. That's all you need to do.

  Yup.  Baby #1 for me left me in outer space and I had no clue.
  
  Baby #2 was a different ball game. 
  
  She's aware of what parenting takes so follow her lead.  

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