Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Woes
ILoveBeachMusic
member
How horrible would this be?
ILoveBeachMusic
member
in Wedding Woes
We are being invited to a wedding and reception (I think) late spring/early summer. The bride has had posts all over social media asking for addresses, posting save the dates, reminding people to RSVP and talking about the event. People have responded asking about the event. She has said that they can't afford to invite everyone to the reception but all are invited to the ceremony. There will be a cash bar at the reception. The event is local for us. I don't think our adult children will be able to attend as they are all out of town (DD will not be able to travel at that point being too close to her due date). The groom and his parents are very close family friends. My question - could we reasonably just go to the ceremony? His brother's reception a couple of years ago was a sh*t show. I don't know yet if the ceremony and reception are in the same location. We have received the STD but not the invitation (too early for that). I want to support the marriage but don't care to attend a reception that I have to pay for and not enjoy.
Re: How horrible would this be?
If they want to duck out after the food is served they can bluff an early night or they can just decline altogether.
What I wouldn't do is attend the ceremony and then show up only to a reception receiving line.
If you do just decline, then I would be very discreet about what you do while the wedding is going on. For example, if you go do something fun instead of attending, I wouldn't check in to your location on Facebook during the time the wedding reception is happening.
I mean a cash bar isn’t ideal, but you can go to the reception without having to pay. If you truly want to support the marriage and these are close friends, suck it up go to both and leave after the cake to go get your drink on and laugh at the shit show.
If these are very close family friends, how do you feel about mentioning to your friends just how rude this is? If they are concerned about costs for the reception, there are plenty of ways to cut costs without excluding guests. (Keep it dry, heavy apps, low cost meal, low cost venue/restaurant catering, etc.) If you're invited to the wedding, you should be invited to the reception. If you don't want to go, you don't have to offer a reason. If you decline and they ask, tell them that you're trying to save the B&G some money on dinner, since they have publicly said about reducing guest count.
From my standpoint, you can support the marriage by skipping everything and sending a nice card - it sounds like this is all a gift grab, anyways.
I would wait to see the invitation and the details. IF the event was truly local, and there was no gap, I would probably attend through dinner and forego any alcoholic beverages. I would leave after dinner. If there is any other faux pas, however, including a gap, I would debate attending only the ceremony and coming up with an excuse for declining the reception.
I personally would avoid attending the ceremony only, as that has a higher chance of going noticed and putting you in an awkward position to explain yourselves. Though, if you do decide to go that route, at least make that known when you send the RSVP so that you are not accounted for in the catering count. You’ll still probably feel obligated to give an explanation but at least you won’t be joining the poor etiquette camp.
Now, I completely agree that many facets of this wedding seem to be in poor taste, but at the end of the day, if these are close family friends, is it really that big a deal to go and spend an evening dry? And if it’s a sh*t show, ok you get dinner and a show?! And like @6fsn said, go out for drinks and a good laugh after.
If they are as cash strapped as you make it out to be, chances are they will not be having a plated formal meal, and maybe even non-assigned seating. Go through the receiving line. Fix yourself a plate from the buffet. Make sure you give big, memorable hugs to the Groom/ your friends and then duck out. Don't buy a drink at the cash bar and bring a standard, non-expensive gift off the gift list (ie: cake tin and spatula instead of a china place setting).
Stick around for 1.5/2 hours after the ceremony then 'throw a smoke bomb' (when you suddenly disappear from party when everyone is distracted by something else). Don't make a production of it, don't say goodbye to anyone, just slip out.
Most likely no one will notice you left. And even if your good friend does notice just tell a small while lie of "Yes, I felt a migraine coming on so DH had to take me home. I didn't want to bring the beautiful day down because everyone was having so much fun! How wonderful were those Church flower arrangements? I love Hydrangeas" and then just bean dip.
If these are very close family friends, then 2 hours isn't that much to suck up.
This just makes me so sad. It is such a prime example of why the 'people who love me will understand' excuse is so false. People will be present, mainly because of social obligations, but they will not enjoy it. Why do people put guests that they love through this? Oh, right, for the photos so they can pretend they had this elegant, formal affair...
My ILs talked about attending the wedding of a mutual friend's child. It was NOT their scene whatsoever. However, the friend is near and dear to them so they went, smiled, and came home with a story but also knowing that it meant a lot to their friend that they attended.
I understand your dilemma with not wanting to offend, and feeling obligated to attend; however, your manners and regard for others' feelings is clearly not being reciprocated here.
I am not saying two wrongs make a right, but I think you should not try to walk on eggshells to avoid offending your friends when they are not concerned about offending you.
I agree with PPs that you should attend - but don't feel bad about leaving early. Enjoy the (hopefully free) cake!
Plus I usually don't turn down someone else providing dinner