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Wedding Woes
mrsconn23
member
Um WTF?
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,.
My son, an only child, was adopted at 14 months old. I traveled alone to get him from the other side of the globe. He’s now 22. Not since fifth grade, when he made cards and gifts at school, has he given me or his dad a gift or card. Is this normal, or selfish? He spends plenty on himself. He’s struggled with ADHD since preschool and stopped taking meds for it at age 18. How do I approach this with him? I don’t need gifts; I want occasional appreciation. His dad and I divorced two years after high school graduation. Son now lives with his dad 300 miles away. Dad seldom speaks with me (his choice, not mine) so we can’t present a unified front for our son.
—Grown Child Etiquette
My son, an only child, was adopted at 14 months old. I traveled alone to get him from the other side of the globe. He’s now 22. Not since fifth grade, when he made cards and gifts at school, has he given me or his dad a gift or card. Is this normal, or selfish? He spends plenty on himself. He’s struggled with ADHD since preschool and stopped taking meds for it at age 18. How do I approach this with him? I don’t need gifts; I want occasional appreciation. His dad and I divorced two years after high school graduation. Son now lives with his dad 300 miles away. Dad seldom speaks with me (his choice, not mine) so we can’t present a unified front for our son.
—Grown Child Etiquette
Re: Um WTF?
Maybe this entitled, "he should appreciate me!" attitude is why your son doesn't talk to you...and why your ex-H doesn't want any contact.
Hey LW, did you do any of this??
Uhm, does LW not realize that it comes in other forms than cards?
Not to gendertype or put everyone in a group, but I feel this might be a guy thing. M gives cards to his mum when necessary {ie; mothers day and her bday} but nothing over the top.
He appreciates his mum, but doesn't feel the need to tell her. M is a very 'close to the chest' kinda person, and she's also still learning where she stands with him {she didn't realize she was his emotional part}
My own husband doesn't give me cards all the time but he's THERE.
But this is part of stuff that doesn't come naturally. If the OP isn't doing this for her son and she didn't teach him this as a child, exactly where does she think he's going to learn to do this?
This.
Several years ago, for his birthday, MIL sent H a letter basically saying the same shit LW here wrote. She raised him, dammit, and she wants recognition. She used the word "token" saying he should be sending her cards and gifts and shit all the time to thank her for her "sacrifices". ETA: I thought it was funny, in a not funny at all way, that for HIS BIRTHDAY she didn't send a gift, but a letter demanding gifts.
It's one thing to talk to your kid and say, "ya know, I'm the sentimental type and it means a lot to me to receive a card for mother's day" or something like that. But it's quite another to think he should be kissing your feet because you chose to adopt him.
This kind of reminds me of the time adopting African kids became the “trendy” thing to do in the rich neighborhood I grew up around. It was totally white savior complex and completely offensive. I’ll never forget when I was over at this one person’s house, and they were flipping through an adoption book, looking at children. They had already adopted a Kenyan girl who was also in the kitchen with us. The mom was sitting there, flipping through the book saying things like “I don’t know about this one...he looks like he could be difficult....this one looks sweet....that one is too old....” The girl finally lost her shit and yelled “we’re not fruit at the store!” It was horrifying, uncomfortable and beyond wrong.
It's one thing to be thankful for your parents because you came to them with a dream of wanting to be an Olympian so they changed their lives to give you what you wanted.
It's another thing to do the standard raise the kid stuff and then wait for the recognition today. Yeah - if you pull a stunt like that there's probably a reason you aren't getting what you want and that reason can be found when you look in your bathroom mirror.
He was devastated. This was also right in the middle of our wedding debacle (IDK if you remember, I posted a lot about it but it was a long time ago) where she threw giant hissy fit after giant hissy fit that we weren't inviting her entire family to our very small wedding.
This was basically the straw that broke his back and he didn't talk to her for months and was preparing himself to cut ties permanently. She eventually came around, a little bit, and we all currently have a polite but not close relationship.
But the LW's comments just seem.....off.
Yeeeaahhh. Her first sentence was all about her "sacrifice" to adopt him. Which happened 20 years ago and has nothing to do with her current issue.
She wants to present a "united front" with her ex. Huh? Your son is already a grown man. Just talk to him directly. You don't need a united front with his dad.
She does need to keep the conversation low key. A mention that she would appreciate a card on X, Y, Z days and it hurts her feelings that he doesn't do this. Then drop it. If he takes the hint, great. If not, it probably isn't anything personal. Some people just aren't cards and gifts kind of folks. It's okay to feel a bit hurt, but don't dwell.
This mother is being overbearing in expecting her son to be forever on his knees and at her neck and call just because she adopted him.
And some people just don't see gift-giving as an important thing in the first place.
She could have easily said "I wish my son expressed more appreciation for me." But instead she's like "I rescued a poor baby of another race...now praise me." It's really messed up. I highly doubt this is the first time she's brought up how he "owes her" (or something). No wonder the dude lives with his dad and the dad doesn't want to talk to his mom.