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Should I be 'straight' with the team?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

I am a straight woman who recently moved to the U.S. In order to make friends, I joined a softball team. I found a team that was described as “feminist”; I later found out that it was a lesbian team. (I don’t mean that it is gay-friendly, I mean that it is specifically for lesbians and bisexual women.) I am wondering if I need to tell my teammates that I’m straight. I don’t want to take the spot of an actual gay woman, but I feel like if I leave, I am letting the team down and it could be perceived as homophobic. I like the women on my team, who have all been very friendly to me, but I worry they might be angry that I am taking the spot of a bona fide lesbian or bisexual woman.

—Vexed Straight Woman

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Re: Should I be 'straight' with the team?

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    Hmmm. LW should talk to the team (or the woman she's closest to) just like she talked to Prudie here. Let it be up to them.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I would tell them, and say while you do love the team and really want to continue to play, but that you are a cis-straight woman and you understand if they would prefer to replace you. Then leave it up to them. Don't quit, but also if it's explicitly a team for woman with identities that aren't yours, I don't think it's right not to be upfront. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    OliveOilsMom said:

    Depending on LW's country of origin, something may have gotten lost in translation.  But I think LW should tell the person she is closest to or the captain.  LW can explain that she is straight and did not know the team was for lesbian or bisexual players.  She should also explain that she wants to keep playing and enjoys the friendship from the other individuals on the team, but also does not want to take a spot away from another lesbian or bisexual person why may be wanting to play.  Then follow the lead of the person she spoke to.

    I completely agree. Even if they do ask her to step down from the team, she will have a much better chance of keeping any friendships she has made with these women if she's been honest and communicative on this issue, rather than either hiding that she's straight or just quitting without explanation. 
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