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Bridal Shower Etiquette (gifts) for family only/destination-type wedding

knottiec3e83423bc2cbffaknottiec3e83423bc2cbffa member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I am having a small family only (50 guests, no bridal party) wedding out of state. 

My mom and best friend want to host a bridal shower in my home state so I can celebrate with people who I cannot be at the wedding. I love the idea of celebrating with friends and family who cannot attend the wedding, but I feel strange about the gift situation. 
I have on the invite that it is a family only wedding out of state, but what should I do about gifts? Should I say "No gifts expected" since most of these people are not invited to the wedding? 
Or, should I include registry info? My mom says it is a must to include registry info for a shower and my friends and family will be happy to receive a shower invite, it is a way of including them. (More traditional approach for a larger wedding...)

What is proper nowadays for a bridal shower for a family only/destination wedding?
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Re: Bridal Shower Etiquette (gifts) for family only/destination-type wedding

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    Aww man, this poster is everywhere with this!
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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  • knottiec3e83423bc2cbffaknottiec3e83423bc2cbffa member
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    Thank you for your messages! I am glad to hear your opinions. 
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  • knottiec3e83423bc2cbffaknottiec3e83423bc2cbffa member
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    I do agree with exactly what you are all saying, again why I felt strange about it. Would calling it just a "Bridal Celebration" and saying specifically "no gifts expected" change anything? I do want a chance to see these people (I just moved to Texas, we are getting married in Minnesota, and this party if it happens would be in Colorado with my friends and family there...hence the confusion and what I am juggling with!) THANK YOU again for your thoughts!! 
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  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
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    Any pre-wedding parties should only include guests who are invited to the wedding itself. If your mom and sister would like to throw you a party, they are welcome to do so at any time, but it shouldn't be wedding-related and should also not be a gifts-required event like a shower. 

    A better option would be for them to host a party after your wedding. This could be a luncheon or a dinner, neither of which wouldn't normally suggest gifts. It shouldn't be anything wedding-y, though.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    thisismynickname2 said:
    knottiec3e83423bc2cbffa said:
    I do agree with exactly what you are all saying, again why I felt strange about it. Would calling it just a "Bridal Celebration" and saying specifically "no gifts expected" change anything? I do want a chance to see these people (I just moved to Texas, we are getting married in Minnesota, and this party if it happens would be in Colorado with my friends and family there...hence the confusion and what I am juggling with!) THANK YOU again for your thoughts!! 
    No pre-wedding parties with people not invited to the wedding. Stating "no gifts" is also frowned upon as it makes the assumption people would give gifts to begin with. 

    A post-wedding "meet the newlyweds" thing is probably your best bet. 

    Agreed.  The party shouldn't be called anything related to a wedding, but a "meet the newlyweds" or something like that would be fine.

    You also don't want to say "no gifts expected" for the reasons @thisismynickname outlined.  Most people won't give a gift for this type of party anyway.  Some people might bring gifts, but that will be because they want to.  Not because they feel they have to.

    Is this party happening before the wedding?  I'm a little confused on that.  If it is, I wouldn't have your mom/sister label it anything.  Then, they should just throw a casual party and mention something like, "Knottie #'s and her FI will be in town.  Come by, say hi, and have a burger." 

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
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    edited April 2018
    Pre-wedding parties should only include people who are invited to the wedding. So a shower is not going to work. (ETA- I reread your post. If you have actually invited those hometown people and they have declined, they may be invited to a shower.)

    A celebration of marriage held after the wedding is perfectly acceptable, IMO. This can be as fancy or casual as you like. The invitations should be sent after the wedding has taken place and it should be clear, by the wording, that you are married. Don't mention gifts or put the registry info on the invitation. If anyone wants to know about your registry, they will ask. If anyone shows up at the party with gift in hand, be discreet, put the gift away to be opened later so the other guests won't get the idea that they were supposed to bring a gift.

              Woman's Name and Man's Name     
                    were married on Date     
                         in City, State

        You are invited to a celebration of marriage (or Wife's Parent's Name invite you......)
                              on Date
                               Venue 
                              Address
                             City, State


                             
            r.s.v.p. to Name Phone number by Date
                       
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
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    There are 3 rules you should think about:
    1. ONLY people invited to the wedding can be invited to ANY pre-wedding events.
    2. The entire purpose of a shower is to get gifts, so there's no such thing as a "no gifts shower".
    3. You're only a bride until you get married, then you're a wife...so any post-wedding celebrations should not include the words "bride" or "bridal".

    If your family wants to throw a party back home, wait until after the wedding, and don't use the words "shower" or "bridal" and you should be fine. 
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    LondonLisa said:
    Would you throw a pre-party for people to come celebrate your birthday, because you didn't invite them to your actual big birthday party? Of course not. It would be incredibly vain and narcissistic.

    Your wedding is the most important thing to you, but other people aren't clamouring to celebrate you. Pre wedding parties are ONLY for people invited to the wedding.  Part of having a small, DW is recognising you are foregoing celebrating with people that aren't invited. 

    If someone is desperate to celebrate you, or buy you a gift, they will get in touch to take you out to dinner or ask for your gift list.

    You chose to not celebrate with these people when you decided on a small wedding. It's fine, and understandable, but you can't turn around and be sad when you can't actually celebrate with them. This was your choice. Own it. 
    This.  100%.  Why is this so hard for people to understand?? 
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