Forced Bridal Shower
Hi all,
I declined to have a bridal shower several times.
FH and I live in NJ and our families are from Ohio and Michigan. Both sides wanted to throw a shower and I graciously declined both times. It would have been a lot to try and make it back to Ohio and Michigan for two separate showers. Factoring in travel, vacation time, money, and trying to get the gifts back to south Jersey was logistically daunting.
Our wedding is on 5/19 and we going to be in Ohio a few days earlier to handle so pre-wedding things and FMIL called me and told me that the Wednesday before her and my mom reserved a room at a restaurant so I can have a bridal shower. I have no clue who is coming or what to expect. I feel bad because this is something that they REALLY want me to have and I have no interest – I have wedding fatigue and I just can’t wait to marry my FH. I also don’t want to seem like I’m not grateful for the time they put into planning this shower. It’s honestly the last thing I want to worry about 3 days before my wedding.
Am I wrong to feel this way?
Re: Forced Bridal Shower
I would be tempted to talk to your Mom and voice your feelings in a respectful manner. Let her know that you of course will come but that you don't appreciate her and your FMIL not listening to you and also for throwing this on you at the last minute. They really put you in a tough spot because if you refuse to go you are going to look like an ungrateful brat (which of course isn't the case).
When FMIL called me I guess I did not give her the reaction she expected because my mom called me and asked me if I was mad. I did tell her I was not mad, but the last thing I wanted to do was worry about ANOTHER wedding event days before the actual wedding. She said she did not understand why I was worried about it because I don't have to do anything
You are right - it does seem like this shower is more for them. FH and I kept the wedding planning on the down low because both moms can be pushy. I guess this is their way of contributing, which is thoughtful, just a little bothersome.
Ugh, that is so frustrating they wouldn't listen to you all. But I would also feel obligated to go, if I was in your all's shoes.
I got married OOT also. It would have been an impossible crunch in time to even attend a shower and the gift logistics would have been silly also. As it was, I got two boxed gifts at my wedding. They were lovely and we liked them but, I told my mom the next day that if they didn't fit into the other packages she was mailing me, to not bother sending them and she could keep them. Fortunately, she was able to fit them in with other things. But it can be a problem if a gift is too heavy and/or awkward to make it even worth shipping. I appreciated that most of the guests gave cash/checks and the other few had boxed gifts mailed to my personal home.
I'm assuming that invites have already gone out but, if they haven't, I would have them rename this event something that doesn't have the word "shower" in it, if you all are worried about having to lug/ship a bunch of gifts back home. Because a shower is a gift giving event, though you might get boxed gifts no matter what it is called.
At this point I think you just have to decide if it's worth pushing it, telling them to cancel the plans (that are only a few weeks away), or sucking it up and dealing with it later. Either is fine, but it might be easier to go with the party for now, but talk to them later (calmly, politely) and tell them how you felt they didn't listen to you, and that you really did not want another event associated with the wedding.
Being just a couple of weeks away, you're probably better to just suck it up and go, but I'd be certain to have a conversation with both of them that this is not ok and will not be tolerated in the future.
A quick update:
The invites have already been sent out, I am going to go because I do not want to be rude to the people who were gracious enough to attend a shower 3 days before my wedding (it sounds so ridiculous typing that out)
I did explain to both of them that I can’t have this sort of intrusion in the future. They are excited (so am I!), but they did not think about how their decisions would affect me. I told them thank you, but as they know I am a purposeful person and there is always a reason behind my actions. The shower is a go, hopefully, there’s lots of wine!
If it's possible for you to discreetly let your family members and friends know that, going forward, you aren't authorizing either mother to plan any events for you and they should check with you before accepting or declining any invitations they receive to such events, I would do that. If there isn't, then hopefully you can come up with another solution that works for you without putting your family members and friends in the middle.
I'm laughing at your mom's idea that you don't have to do anything, because as an introvert you absolutely do have to spend time and energy greeting, thanking, socializing, not to mention what to do with the gifts. I don't know if you're an introvert, but regardless, good luck and I hope you have fun with the guests who are there.
You should leave all the shower presents in a pile in your mom's living room with a note on top that says:
Please ship to (your address)
For now, I'd show up dressed nicely with a smile on my face. It's annoying but it's annoying with an attempt at some decent intentions.
Good luck!