Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion

Do you have to invite any parents to the wedding? They all sound awful.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

I have recently gotten engaged, and my partner and I are absolutely over the moon about it. However, our parents can never be allowed to meet. My partner is transgender, his very Baptist parents haven’t been supportive, and we’re worried they’re going to out him to my parents—either “accidentally,” because they won’t use his correct name and pronouns, or on purpose, because they think my parents have a “right” to know. We’ve tried talking to them about it, but they’re ultimately very unreasonable about this issue. My parents aren’t overtly transphobic, but they’re very difficult people in their own right, and more importantly, my in-laws don’t have the right to out my partner against his will. What advice do you have for navigating this wedding-planning minefield?

—In-Laws Want to Out My Boyfriend to My Parents
Report Reply to Post

Re: Do you have to invite any parents to the wedding? They all sound awful.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm not an expert on how truthful you need to be.   @VarunaTT I'm going to defer to you but would you think that this is something on a need to know basis?   I'm honestly curious if there is some aspect of etiquette understanding that many people in the life of someone who is trans may have known the person has one gender and now as another.

    Thoughts here?  I don't think the parents should meet but I also question how this should be navigated in general. 
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    STARMOON44 said:
    Is the plan that your parents never find out? I’m just concerned that that isn’t possible
    That's sort of where I am.   I am really green on the finer details of this but wouldn't this eventually come out?? 
    Report Reply
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    Is the plan that your parents never find out? I’m just concerned that that isn’t possible
    Yeah, I thought about that too. 

    But from what I understand about the trans community (and this may not come out correctly...and I apologize in advance), is that some trans people want to only be identified as their 'transitioned' gender and not 'come out' to people who did not know them prior to transitioning.  Which makes sense on a frillion levels.  Trans people have felt the gender they've transitioned to all or most of their lives and you invite at the least, misgendering and at the worst, violence, scorn, and bigotry if you share your previous status with people who didn't know you as your 'former' self/identity.  

    So I can see OP's and their partner's POV that their partner's previous gender doesn't need to revealed to OP's parents.  And the forced outing that their partner's parents could bring upon them is a lot of drama that they don't need/or want to deal with.   BUT, I do feel that OP and their partner need to figure out how they will handle it if it does happen. 
    Oh absolutely it makes sense! But if partners parents refuse to keep this secret, wedding attendance or not I think it’s going to come out and they need to have a plan to deal with that. 
    Report Reply
  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm curious what your FI wants to do? Does he want to invite his parents knowing they'll try and "out"? Or would he prefer to keep them from the event and not disclose to your parents. 

    I don't think there is a "right" answer here because you can't force your parents to be compassionate and can't convince his not to share this information. I think you two together have to weigh excluding one or both sets of parents from the event against the ramifications of if his parents tell yours. 
    Report Reply
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think if my SO did not want to reveal that they were transgender, I'd do whatever I could to assist in keeping that between us. And that includes not telling my parents. Why would they need to know that my SO was born with a certain set of genitals? I think LW and the SO should keep the SO's parents off the guest list for this wedding and anything in the future. The idea of them purposely outing their child is horrifying. 
    Report Reply
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    VarunaTT said:


    I'm a little perturbed that the concern seems to be LW's parents behavior, rather than fiance's feelings about any of it.
    I do find that concerning as well.  And WTF does LW mean that their parent's aren't 'overtly' transphobic?  Again, I'm on team no parents at the wedding (and if they're not supportive and toxic, in their lives at all).  
    Report Reply
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I mean, it's the "I don't mind gay people, but could they just not be so gay in front of me?" while watching The Notebook mentality.  
    �
    Report Reply
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    VarunaTT said:
    I mean, it's the "I don't mind gay people, but could they just not be so gay in front of me?" while watching The Notebook mentality.  
    Exactly. This is how my dad is, so I have experience. 
    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I have a lot of questions about the relationships and feelings in this letter, which is why I've been pondering it.

    Eloping is an obvious answer, but what if the couple doesn't want to elope?  I'd hate for them to forego celebrating with their friends and family, just because of the parents.  Because then the couple is being "punished" for the FI being transgender, which isn't really fair to themselves at all.  I'm assuming they don't want to elope or the LW wouldn't have written to Prudie.

    So then they can choose to not invite the FI's parents and it seems that this is where things are headed.  But I'm assuming the FI wants their parents there.  Hence the discussions with this set of parents that apparently have not gone well, ie they don't appear to be willing to promise that they will be careful about not outing their child to the LW's parents.  However, I am inferring most of this last part as almost none of this was specifically said in the letter.

    The couple could choose to not invite any parents.  But that could also lead to a lot of questions.  If the relationship between the couple and the LW's parents is just fine and hunky-dory, it would be super odd and hurtful to the LW parents if they are not invited.  The standing of this relationship is the one I was the most unsure about, from the letter. 

    The couple could invite both sets of parents and "hope" for the best.  But that seems like really wishful thinking.

    If' I'm understanding the letter correctly, those are the choices.  None of which are apparently a clear winner.  The couple really just needs to pick their their poison, unfortunately.

    But I think they also need to have a plan in mind for if/when the LW's parents find out that their in-law is transgender.  Because, as the old adage goes, when more than two people know something, it's not a secret anymore.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    VarunaTT said:
    I mean, it's the "I don't mind gay people, but could they just not be so gay in front of me?" while watching The Notebook mentality.  

    I wonder if it could be the opposite, though. Like, my grandpa was racist and not shy or quiet about it. But when my cousin brought her Mexican boyfriend to Christmas, he was very respectful and polite. He even kind of learned something and wasn't so quick with the slurs or judgments after that. LW's parents could be the type that are transphobic from afar but when it's their own family, they might be understanding and better themselves.

    My first thought reading this letter was , "Why do you care if the parents know? Fuck their opinions" but then my second thought was, "Well, SSC, that's not up to you and if this person doesn't want anyone knowing their favorite color, then they're entitled to that".

    Regardless, though, if SO's parents are shitty enough to out LW's SO, they shouldn't be invited, period (if not removed completely from their lives - I would NOT tolerate that). I don't have enough info to for sure say not to invite LW's parents, but I 100% agree that this is the perfect situation for an elopement. Then there's no awkward, "Why aren't Terry's parents here?" and there's no place for outing and disrespect.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    Report Reply
  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    climbingwife said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    VarunaTT said:


    I'm a little perturbed that the concern seems to be LW's parents behavior, rather than fiance's feelings about any of it.
    I do find that concerning as well.  And WTF does LW mean that their parent's aren't 'overtly' transphobic?  Again, I'm on team no parents at the wedding (and if they're not supportive and toxic, in their lives at all).  
    If I had to guess, it would be that her parents don't necessarily have a problem with transgender people, but would maybe not want their kid married to one. 
    Translation: They do actually have a problem with transgender people but want to pretend they don't because it's no longer socially acceptable to be a bigot.

    I think if it were me I would want to know my parents were supportive no matter what, but respect my partner's choices regarding talking about their past.
    image
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards