Wedding Woes

Eff. Your. BIL.

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s family—a large, loud, tightly knit bunch—lives in New York. Our family lives in a smaller Southern city. We probably see them three or four times a year and almost always travel to them, since they don’t want to come here. My teens are obsessed with a popular Broadway show, so for Christmas last year, I maxed out my credit card and managed to secure tickets for the four of us. The kids were thrilled. The show is coming up in a few weeks, but there’s a problem with my brother-in-law. He’s complained to my husband several times that we should have also purchased tickets for their family and that we were selfish for not including them in our plans. For what it’s worth, I think he’s probably the only one who is disappointed that he’s not going. To add to that awkwardness, we usually stay at their house when we visit. What can we do to fix this?

—Neglecting Our Host

Re: Eff. Your. BIL.

  • banana468 said:
    I think BIL is a jerk but I hope that the LW doesn't just use BIL's house as a crash pad.  

    So while theater tickets aren't needed, I'd hope that they treat BIL and family well for hosting them because several nights there in their home for free allowed them to buy those theater tickets. 
    Agreed.  NY and NYC hotels are expensive, yo.  They're saving a ton of money.

  • banana468 said:
    I think BIL is a jerk but I hope that the LW doesn't just use BIL's house as a crash pad.  

    So while theater tickets aren't needed, I'd hope that they treat BIL and family well for hosting them because several nights there in their home for free allowed them to buy those theater tickets. 
    I agree with this; separate the tickets from the hosting. LW should absolutely do something nice for BIL & family for letting them stay, but I don't think that means they have to pay for expensive theater tickets. 
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If BIL has lived in NYC since at least 2015, he has had the opportunity to buy his own Hamilton tickets and should know how expensive they are.  Husband should explain that they couldn't afford another 4 tickets due to price and leave it at that.  If BIL still has a problem with it, they should spring for a hotel and cut their visit short.

  • The OP goes to NYC with their family and stays with BIL 3-4 times a year.  In 10 years, that's 30-40 times that OP and family has made this trip.  They've never made their own plans and gone off on their own as a family to do something?  I highly doubt it. 

    I think OP's suspicions are correct, BIL doesn't want to shell out for the show and is upset that they did and didn't extend the offer to him.  Maybe they made a misstep in not explicitly telling the BIL that this was the plan and say "Hey get tickets and join us!", but the rest of his complaint is ridiculous, IMO.  And carrying on about this is just makes him look like an ass.  
  • Unless the LW wanted it to be just an immediate family thing, I can see the BIL's point a little bit.  Not to PAY for the tickets, but to have asked, "Hey, BIL, the kids really want to see Hamilton and I'm purchasing tickets for X date.  If you all want to come, the tickets are $XXX and our seats are 23 A,B,C,D."

    I would have also said she could have bought them all together, with them paying her back (if she trusted them).  But then I remembered she said it maxed out her credit card.

    At the end of the day, I hope they are typically gracious guests and do take their hosts out to dinner and do other things.  Bring pecan pie from home and make grits for breakfast.

    As an aside, who are these people that they have time...3-4x/year...to go to NYC?  Yet a few show tickets max out their credit cards?  Inquiring minds want to know.

    Exactly this.   And house guests four times a year to one brother while rarely hosting just starts to not pass my smell test.

    It doesn't mean that I think you need to spring for Hamilton but I wonder if the BIL starts to feel like they're used as a means to see the Broadway show.  
  • Unless the LW wanted it to be just an immediate family thing, I can see the BIL's point a little bit.  Not to PAY for the tickets, but to have asked, "Hey, BIL, the kids really want to see Hamilton and I'm purchasing tickets for X date.  If you all want to come, the tickets are $XXX and our seats are 23 A,B,C,D."

    I would have also said she could have bought them all together, with them paying her back (if she trusted them).  But then I remembered she said it maxed out her credit card.

    At the end of the day, I hope they are typically gracious guests and do take their hosts out to dinner and do other things.  Bring pecan pie from home and make grits for breakfast.

    As an aside, who are these people that they have time...3-4x/year...to go to NYC?  Yet a few show tickets max out their credit cards?  Inquiring minds want to know.

    I go to the city a few times a year to see friends for college. I typically will take a Friday afternoon off to fly and come home late Sunday night. (I also usually stay in a hotel and not with people).

    I don't see a show very often although sometimes I check out cheap, last minute tickets. It's entirely possible that tickets for Hamilton or Dear Evan Hanson could max out a card; obstructed view tickets of Hamilton were still going for like $500 a piece when I was there at the beginning of the month. 
  • I still want to see Hamilton and it's a JOKE to DH to even look for tickets.

    But I still feel like more is left out here.  LW makes no mention of what they do and how they reciprocate or gift BIL when they stay.   And I'd get tired if I felt like I was constantly incurring expenses to host.

    I still think that BIL is a jerk but the jury's out on the LW. 
  • banana468 said:
    I still want to see Hamilton and it's a JOKE to DH to even look for tickets.

    But I still feel like more is left out here.  LW makes no mention of what they do and how they reciprocate or gift BIL when they stay.   And I'd get tired if I felt like I was constantly incurring expenses to host.

    I still think that BIL is a jerk but the jury's out on the LW. 
    Well BIL (and anyone else in the family) certainly doesn't reciprocate by going to visit LW where they live.  I do wonder, since the H's 'big close-knit family' all lives up there, if there's anywhere else for LW and family to stay. 

    I see what you're saying and LW may not totally be on the up and up here.  However, I have a family member who behaves like this BIL and while I can normally ignore them, their passive-aggressive bullshit is frustrating when I'm forced to entertain it. 
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You can sign up for the Hamilton pre-sales, every few months they release tickets starting at $199.  Certainly not cheap, but my parents, all of my siblings, a few friends, H and I have all seen it at least once.  It doesn’t have to be $850/seat.  Just in case the latter price was stopping anyone (it would’ve stopped me). 

    One of my mother’s brothers moved to Florida, she and her other seven siblings are in NYC or nearby Long Island.  So it did make more sense that his family came up rather than all of us going down.  My uncle’s five kids are close in age with my siblings and me, so they stayed with us...a lot. They’d invite us to join them at whatever Museum/landmark etc they were going to, but we usually declined. It was so nice to have a break from them.  So a part of me is honestly surprised at the BIL’s wanting to go along...doesn’t he want a break?!  Even if he doesn’t need the break, I think theater tickets for a whole family is a bit much.  I do hope LW and her H take them out to dinner at least once, pay for the Pizza one night, etc.
  • eileenrob said:
    You can sign up for the Hamilton pre-sales, every few months they release tickets starting at $199.  Certainly not cheap, but my parents, all of my siblings, a few friends, H and I have all seen it at least once.  It doesn’t have to be $850/seat.  Just in case the latter price was stopping anyone (it would’ve stopped me). 

    One of my mother’s brothers moved to Florida, she and her other seven siblings are in NYC or nearby Long Island.  So it did make more sense that his family came up rather than all of us going down.  My uncle’s five kids are close in age with my siblings and me, so they stayed with us...a lot. They’d invite us to join them at whatever Museum/landmark etc they were going to, but we usually declined. It was so nice to have a break from them.  So a part of me is honestly surprised at the BIL’s wanting to go along...doesn’t he want a break?!  Even if he doesn’t need the break, I think theater tickets for a whole family is a bit much.  I do hope LW and her H take them out to dinner at least once, pay for the Pizza one night, etc.
    I did the same thing for Chicago and my tickets were around $100 I think. 
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Hamilton just came to my city and I got tickets for $90.  Just saying.

  • mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    I still want to see Hamilton and it's a JOKE to DH to even look for tickets.

    But I still feel like more is left out here.  LW makes no mention of what they do and how they reciprocate or gift BIL when they stay.   And I'd get tired if I felt like I was constantly incurring expenses to host.

    I still think that BIL is a jerk but the jury's out on the LW. 
    Well BIL (and anyone else in the family) certainly doesn't reciprocate by going to visit LW where they live.  I do wonder, since the H's 'big close-knit family' all lives up there, if there's anywhere else for LW and family to stay. 

    I see what you're saying and LW may not totally be on the up and up here.  However, I have a family member who behaves like this BIL and while I can normally ignore them, their passive-aggressive bullshit is frustrating when I'm forced to entertain it. 
    Totally agree here.

    FWIW, we had issues with this with BIL as I documented a few months ago.

    The hub of BIL/DH's side of the family is here and the state isn't that big.  So a visit out to us is not just to see the sights - it's seeing family.

    That's different from when we make the trip out to see BIL.  Therefore there's an overall expectation that BIL and his family are going to travel out there more often than the family will go out to see him.  To see their grandmother or cousins means coming here.  

    And one of the last times that we had them visit we received one bottle of wine after hosting them for multiple days and they didn't even tell us if we could plan on them to be in our home for evening meals while we decline invitations due to their visit.   So I'm on the other side of this wondering if they could be better house guests. 
  • Unless the LW wanted it to be just an immediate family thing, I can see the BIL's point a little bit.  Not to PAY for the tickets, but to have asked, "Hey, BIL, the kids really want to see Hamilton and I'm purchasing tickets for X date.  If you all want to come, the tickets are $XXX and our seats are 23 A,B,C,D."

    I would have also said she could have bought them all together, with them paying her back (if she trusted them).  But then I remembered she said it maxed out her credit card.

    At the end of the day, I hope they are typically gracious guests and do take their hosts out to dinner and do other things.  Bring pecan pie from home and make grits for breakfast.

    As an aside, who are these people that they have time...3-4x/year...to go to NYC?  Yet a few show tickets max out their credit cards?  Inquiring minds want to know.

    I go to the city a few times a year to see friends for college. I typically will take a Friday afternoon off to fly and come home late Sunday night. (I also usually stay in a hotel and not with people).

    I don't see a show very often although sometimes I check out cheap, last minute tickets. It's entirely possible that tickets for Hamilton or Dear Evan Hanson could max out a card; obstructed view tickets of Hamilton were still going for like $500 a piece when I was there at the beginning of the month. 


    True, but the LW says they are in a small town in the South.  Unless it's Virginia or maybe North Carolina.  That's at least a half day for flying (each way), especially since I'm assuming they don't live near an airport.  Or taking even longer than a half day, if they're driving.  Even for just long weekends, I think that would be tough to do 3-4x/year.

    Of course, I'm assuming the couple works typical jobs.  And perhaps they don't.  But that was my curiousity.

    I'm also assuming they really like going there or they wouldn't put in all of that time and effort.

    Count me in as someone else who moved away from family and NOBODY visits me, at least not in the last decade.  And I'm the one who always has to travel back (sigh).

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Unless the LW wanted it to be just an immediate family thing, I can see the BIL's point a little bit.  Not to PAY for the tickets, but to have asked, "Hey, BIL, the kids really want to see Hamilton and I'm purchasing tickets for X date.  If you all want to come, the tickets are $XXX and our seats are 23 A,B,C,D."

    I would have also said she could have bought them all together, with them paying her back (if she trusted them).  But then I remembered she said it maxed out her credit card.

    At the end of the day, I hope they are typically gracious guests and do take their hosts out to dinner and do other things.  Bring pecan pie from home and make grits for breakfast.

    As an aside, who are these people that they have time...3-4x/year...to go to NYC?  Yet a few show tickets max out their credit cards?  Inquiring minds want to know.

    I go to the city a few times a year to see friends for college. I typically will take a Friday afternoon off to fly and come home late Sunday night. (I also usually stay in a hotel and not with people).

    I don't see a show very often although sometimes I check out cheap, last minute tickets. It's entirely possible that tickets for Hamilton or Dear Evan Hanson could max out a card; obstructed view tickets of Hamilton were still going for like $500 a piece when I was there at the beginning of the month. 


    True, but the LW says they are in a small town in the South.  Unless it's Virginia or maybe North Carolina.  That's at least a half day for flying (each way), especially since I'm assuming they don't live near an airport.  Or taking even longer than a half day, if they're driving.  Even for just long weekends, I think that would be tough to do 3-4x/year.

    Of course, I'm assuming the couple works typical jobs.  And perhaps they don't.  But that was my curiousity.

    I'm also assuming they really like going there or they wouldn't put in all of that time and effort.

    Count me in as someone else who moved away from family and NOBODY visits me, at least not in the last decade.  And I'm the one who always has to travel back (sigh).

    I still did it living in NC, although I would usually take a full day off on Friday. But I really care about staying in touch with my friends, they've made efforts to come see me for important events, and I don't always stay with them. I also have had jobs where it's easy to take off on a Friday.

    The bolded is true for me (until we moved home) and it sucked. My parents never visited us in Ohio and my Mom only came to NC one in the two years we were there (and it was right before we moved, too and it was because she had a wedding in Florida to go to). 
  • Ro041 said:
    Hamilton just came to my city and I got tickets for $90.  Just saying.
    We bought season tickets to our city's theatre this year, which included Hamilton, and paid $190 for the season... and also saw 5 other shows.

    If BIL was miffed because "Why didn't you tell me? We could have all gone together!", but didn't expect LW to pay for their tickets, then okay. (I doubt that's it.)

    If BIL feels taken advantage of on the lodging, he should say or do something about that.

    But those are separate issues, and putting up LW's family =/= they have to buy you tickets.
    Ugh, we tried to do that this year because our city's theater is having Hamilton and Dear Evan Hanson, but there were too many people on the season ticket list from the previous year they weren't even taking people on the waiting list for this year. I'm super bummed because I really want to see Hamilton again. It is as good as everyone says. 
  • I still did it living in NC, although I would usually take a full day off on Friday. But I really care about staying in touch with my friends, they've made efforts to come see me for important events, and I don't always stay with them. I also have had jobs where it's easy to take off on a Friday.

    The bolded is true for me (until we moved home) and it sucked. My parents never visited us in Ohio and my Mom only came to NC one in the two years we were there (and it was right before we moved, too and it was because she had a wedding in Florida to go to). 

    I didn't realize you had lived in NC!  It is on my short list of where I want to move to next.  Though that is still (probably) a few years away.  Good to know it's not too bad to get to NYC from there.
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  • I still did it living in NC, although I would usually take a full day off on Friday. But I really care about staying in touch with my friends, they've made efforts to come see me for important events, and I don't always stay with them. I also have had jobs where it's easy to take off on a Friday.

    The bolded is true for me (until we moved home) and it sucked. My parents never visited us in Ohio and my Mom only came to NC one in the two years we were there (and it was right before we moved, too and it was because she had a wedding in Florida to go to). 

    I didn't realize you had lived in NC!  It is on my short list of where I want to move to next.  Though that is still (probably) a few years away.  Good to know it's not too bad to get to NYC from there.
    Yup; H and I were there for two years (right before Ohio). We lived about 45 miles west of Asheville. Definitely the most beautiful place we will ever have lived.
  • mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:

    Unless the LW wanted it to be just an immediate family thing, I can see the BIL's point a little bit.  Not to PAY for the tickets, but to have asked, "Hey, BIL, the kids really want to see Hamilton and I'm purchasing tickets for X date.  If you all want to come, the tickets are $XXX and our seats are 23 A,B,C,D."

    I would have also said she could have bought them all together, with them paying her back (if she trusted them).  But then I remembered she said it maxed out her credit card.

    At the end of the day, I hope they are typically gracious guests and do take their hosts out to dinner and do other things.  Bring pecan pie from home and make grits for breakfast.

    As an aside, who are these people that they have time...3-4x/year...to go to NYC?  Yet a few show tickets max out their credit cards?  Inquiring minds want to know.

    Exactly this.   And house guests four times a year to one brother while rarely hosting just starts to not pass my smell test.

    It doesn't mean that I think you need to spring for Hamilton but I wonder if the BIL starts to feel like they're used as a means to see the Broadway show.  
    OP states outright that husband's family doesn't want to travel to see them.  It sounds like they would be a willing host, but his family doesn't have any interest.  That's why I think the BIL is a giant, entitled, whiny, baby about this.  If they traded off, I'd maybe MAYBE have more understanding.  
    Yeah, there's so little information given it's really impossible to see without hearing BIL's side of things. 
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