Wedding Woes

I don't think either one of you adequately prepared for this separation.

Dear Prudence,

My wife recently joined the military and I am at home taking care of our three children. She’s been away for three months, and I have seen her post pictures of her time off drinking with her course mates and partying even after I’ve called and gotten, “I’m too tired to talk.” I see her tablet lighting up with messages (we get push notifications on our home screen—I’m not snooping) about going partying. As a dad at home, missing his partner, I look at the guys she’s drinking with and get jealous. I’ve written letters to my wife explaining this, but I haven’t sent them, as I feel she has to focus on passing her career military course. I feel guilty for having these feelings, but I can’t help but think she needs to provide some reassurance about our relationship. I don’t want to invade her privacy, but three months has been a long time and I am getting a little burned out at home and work. When I talked to her mother about my concerns, she told me to ignore the messages that pop up and just carry on. I feel like I’m not being listened to, and I feel guilty about the jealousy I feel, but I’m worried it may be justified. How do I cope?

—Missing Military Wife

Re: I don't think either one of you adequately prepared for this separation.

  • ernursej said:
    Figure out a time when it would be good to talk and have a discussion. I would also figure out how to block the push notifications as it is just adding fuel to the fire. LW also needs to ensure that they get out and have some fun. Need to get some scheduled in and find a babysitter.
    Yup all of that.

    Living in an area near a naval base you need to come up with ways to get out and make friends and have a social life or you'll be a spouse with the Tide box in the window. 
  • I’m curious how long her training lasts; is it another few weeks, or is she gone for months on end? If it’s a few weeks more I say let it be for now and address when she’s home. Longer? Have her find time when she’s able to talk and bring it up calmly and not accusingly. 

    But I think they both could compromise more. She needs time to bond with her unit (also going out drinking does not equal anything wrong) but he needs support and communication with his wife, too. Hats what a marriage is. 
  • I grew up next to a huge Marine Corps. base.  I dated a few Marines and got to know their buddies.  Cheating was rampant when an SO was back home.  I hate to say it, but it was rare to run into a guy who was faithful to his wife or g/f back home.  But they did exist also and was much more likely if his SO was his wife, instead of a LTR g/f.  Further caveat, because my hanging out socially with Marines was related to my dating one.  I mainly only chit-chatted with men and young ones, at that.  So I can't speak as much about female soldiers or soldiers who are older (hopefully wiser) and in longer relationships.

    With all that said, her behavior is totally normal (except being too tired to talk) and nothing he has said ring alarm bells for me that she's cheating.  Sure, she could be.  But making groundless accusations does no one, any good.

    I agree with the other PPs, he should have a non-accusatory discussion with her about some of what he has been feeling.  Ways they can both keep the closeness/intimacy up, while they can't see each other in person. 

    He needs to keep in mind that it is really hard for her also.  Military training, even if it is a classroom setting, is tough!  It is long, stressful days where soldier are expected to learn a lot in a short amount of time.  People need to blow off steam.  It purposely fosters an environment for camaraderie and teamwork.  And the worst and hardest part is missing their family.

    I understand his difficulties also.  He is a single-parent at this time.  There is never a break from that "job".  It is essential he carve in his own time to blow off steam.  His own "me" time.  Have family help him out if he lives near them.  Hire a babysitter.  Trade "watching kids time" with other parent(s).

    Also, if his wife is in the military, he should have a free/easy access to psychologists.  Who help people with these similar situations/feelings ALL the time.


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  • I grew up next to a huge Marine Corps. base.  I dated a few Marines and got to know their buddies.  Cheating was rampant when an SO was back home.  I hate to say it, but it was rare to run into a guy who was faithful to his wife or g/f back home.  But they did exist also and was much more likely if his SO was his wife, instead of a LTR g/f.  Further caveat, because my hanging out socially with Marines was related to my dating one.  I mainly only chit-chatted with men and young ones, at that.  So I can't speak as much about female soldiers or soldiers who are older (hopefully wiser) and in longer relationships.


    But after I worked with a former navy wife, the converse was also true.  She said she was nothing but faithful to her ex-H but it was well known which wives still had their ports occupied when their husbands were out to sea. 
  • banana468 said:

    I grew up next to a huge Marine Corps. base.  I dated a few Marines and got to know their buddies.  Cheating was rampant when an SO was back home.  I hate to say it, but it was rare to run into a guy who was faithful to his wife or g/f back home.  But they did exist also and was much more likely if his SO was his wife, instead of a LTR g/f.  Further caveat, because my hanging out socially with Marines was related to my dating one.  I mainly only chit-chatted with men and young ones, at that.  So I can't speak as much about female soldiers or soldiers who are older (hopefully wiser) and in longer relationships.


    But after I worked with a former navy wife, the converse was also true.  She said she was nothing but faithful to her ex-H but it was well known which wives still had their ports occupied when their husbands were out to sea. 


    I have no doubt there is sometimes cheating going on with SO's who stay back home and/or have their spouse out on deployment.  I have heard the same thing, but didn't have it come out of the horse's mouth like it did with those guys.

    I did know quite a few Marine Corps wives from places I worked.  I didn't get an impression that any of them cheated if their H's were overseas.  But I was only close enough friends with one of them were I "maybe" would have even been told about "other men".  If there had even ever been any.

    From the guys, I heard the term "pack widow".  Referencing when sometimes groups would go out camping/training for weeks at a time on the base.  Which was "on the pack".  And the ladies who stepped out on their SO's during those times were "pack widows".

    These discussions are bringing back memories of just how gossipy military bases are.  This was at a time in my life when I was just out of high school.  Let me tell you, me and my friends couldn't have held a candle to these guys on the gossip front, lol.  

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  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ...but why did he approach her mom to talk about the issue?  Is he secretly hoping that her mom will tell her what he said so he doesn't have to confront her about it?

  • Ro041 said:
    ...but why did he approach her mom to talk about the issue?  Is he secretly hoping that her mom will tell her what he said so he doesn't have to confront her about it?
    Him going to her mom bothers me a lot in this situation.  It's also telling to me. 

    I'd ask anyone else their opinion before I'd approach my FIL, or my parents, about my relationship concerns with DH.  I feel like inviting parents into your drama is a recipe for disaster, because they're more than likely going to side with their child.  

    I get feeling isolated (WAHM to 2 kids and ready to for them to go to school already here.  Plus work BFF had the day off, so no one to chat with about our cases), but he has no friends to bounce this off of before approaching his MIL? 

    Again, their lack of preparedness for the separation and what they would experience is not helping them here.  He needs to ask for a facetime conference with her, without distractions (maybe MIL will take the kids?).  And not to accuse, but just to express that he's struggling without her being there. 
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