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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
Name changing - why or why not?
So, I'm wondering is there any real reason why either of us should change our last name?
I don't actually have any strong feelings about whether we hyphenate, I take his last name, or we don't change our names at all, so I'm trying to get a better idea of pros and cons. For what it's worth, we have established that my fiancee will not take my last name because he already shares a first name with my cousin and them having the same first and last name would just be a little weird.
So basically, if there are any issues, troubles, annoyances, or difficulties, minor or major when it comes to hyphenating or not changing your last name I am curious about them because it may very well be worth it to me to change my last name in order to avoid that.
I don't actually have any strong feelings about whether we hyphenate, I take his last name, or we don't change our names at all, so I'm trying to get a better idea of pros and cons. For what it's worth, we have established that my fiancee will not take my last name because he already shares a first name with my cousin and them having the same first and last name would just be a little weird.
So basically, if there are any issues, troubles, annoyances, or difficulties, minor or major when it comes to hyphenating or not changing your last name I am curious about them because it may very well be worth it to me to change my last name in order to avoid that.
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Re: Name changing - why or why not?
Changing my name was a bit of a hassle; going to the SSI office & the DMV (at least in NC) was a bit of a hassle, and they have to be done on separate days. One of my banks gave me a stupidly hard time about changing it (the one with our joint checking account, go figure), so my name is correct on the account but my debit card still has my maiden name. I'm still finding things that should be updated, but it's mostly minor things at this point that weren't a big deal.
We've had no hassles or negative drawbacks by having different last names. It was really easy to not have to mess with the DMV, bank and all that jazz. We did receive a few checks made out to Mr. and Mrs. Hisname as wedding gifts, and I expected it may be an issue. It wasn't. We just deposited them in our joint account, no problem. We've traveled abroad, filed taxes, bought property, etc. It has never mattered that our names aren't the same.
I will say, we don't have kids so I can't really speak to that, but having worked in juvenile court, families with multiple last names are the norm more than the exception these days. It's really not weird for your children to only share a name with one parent, or even neither. I recently met a family where both children have their (separate) bio father's names, but were being raised by their mother and step father. Mother had her birth name. So the four of them each had a different last name. They're still a family.
The first time I married in my early 20s, I did not change my name. When I married for the second time 4 years ago, I did change my name. The second time around, I wanted to share a last name with my husband, and I was not attached to my maiden name.
Changing my name was no hassle at all. The DMV was easy and relatively quick. SS was as well. No long lines. I had gotten a new passport less than a year prior, so I was able to get a new one with my new name at no cost. Other stuff, I just changed as it came up. The bank just needed to see a copy of the marriage certificate.
I use my H's last name socially, but never changed it legally. If I could snap my fingers and do it, I would. And maybe someday I'll go through all that hoopla. But, at least to me, it sounded like too much hassle.
Like some other PPs have mentioned. It's a trip to the SS office...which is a good half-day of waiting in line where I live. Then it's another half-day at the DMV. Oh! And that needs to be on a DIFFERENT day. And I would need to take vacation time off work for all of that.
Then, I own multiple properties in my maiden name. Maybe that wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm not so sure. I do a lot of gig work, ie independent contracting with dozens of companies. All of it in my maiden name.
Credit cards. Utilities. Probably a bunch of other stuff I'm not even thinking of.
As for hyphenating, my cousin did that and really regretted it. She married a man from Spain. They both travel internationally all the time. Except her hyphenated name is too long to fit on her passport. And, although she's never been barred from getting on a flight, it's always a big song/dance/explanation as to why the name on her passport doesn't EXACTLY match her ID. That's the biggest hassle for her. But, in general, she also doesn't like having such a long last name now.
I should mention, this is for international travel.
(That's not to say that people with different names in the same family is a problem to me. It's very common, and no judgement at all; it's just how I feel. To each their own!)
I have friends who are teachers who get a little frustrated keeping track of parents for children when the names don't match. Members of couples without matching names risk being called the wrong name. These are minor inconveniences. If neither you or your betrothed mind correcting people occasionally who goof on your last name, then cool.
Changing the name is kind of a pain, but these days there are lists online to help you remember. Heck, I've been married nearly 4 years now and only recently got my last name adjusted on an account I use to sign up for road races. If you get the important stuff done, like drivers license, passport, insurance and other work stuff, banking info, the rest can follow as you think to use the accounts.
Sidenote- there was a recent article from a guy who changed his last name to match his wife's, and how uncommon it is and how people were really surprised he did it. He didn't appear to face any judgement, just surprise, because that's not traditional.
I took my H's. I don't regret it at all. My maiden name was hard to pronounce and H's is very common. It was incredibly easy to change and the only inconvenience is that there are like 10 of us at work (I work for the provincial health authority) so occasionally I get someone else's emails.
For traveling, having the same last name was easier to get all of H's perks and I didn't hyphenate as that would have not fit on a passport/boarding pass and would have been an issue.
IMHO, it is a very personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer.
I've been married for almost 3 years, and I've only had to correct people occasionally. Overall it really hasn't been a problem, and I have no regrets about it.
I changed my name but wish that I hadn't only because I didn't really have a good reason TO change it. I liked my maiden name a lot, but kind of panicked when we applied for the marriage license and I had to make a decision about what my name would be post-marriage. I thought about it for less than 30 seconds.
I know a couple who hated their abusive families of origin, so made up an entirely new last name for themselves when they married. A friend of my daughter's kept her maiden name when she married last summer, and her husband took her name. Another friend kept her maiden name, her H kept his, and their children were given her last name. My SIL made up a new last name for herself after she recovered from an illness, but before she met my brother. She kept that name when they married, and their kids use it as a middle name.
There are lots of ways to do this!
I plan on hyphenating mine. My father was quite upset that my sister for not doing that when she was married, and I figured out of respect I would do it (not the only reason but my dad means the world to me). He has two daughters so the last name wont continue on.
I've always loved my full name anyway, and adding my fiancees name to the end of it makes me feel like I'm sticking to tradition and getting to keep my name I've always had as well. Plus it's super simple as his last name is only two letters. I want to have the same last name as our future kids as well.