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Wedding Etiquette Forum
jennyd76
member
Cutting ties with an anti-marriage friend
I've been friends with a co-worker for almost 10 years.
To give some context as to her relationship experience: she's approaching the age of 50, has only dated one man briefly in college, and in all the time I've known her has never had a single date.
She swears up and down that she never wants to be married. Which I'd be 100% okay with (it's her life, not mine) if she didn't harbor so much anger towards couples. Outright she'll tell people that they're "crazy" for wanting to get married and that most married couples have just "settled" for their partners, and actually gets gleeful when she hears about a divorce.
The thought of partnering with someone sends her into a defensive tirade. She'll say she doesn't want a relationship because she needs her time alone, that if he wanted to spend time with her she'd tell him to piss off, and if her partner voiced his opinion she'd tell him to shut up. These tirades aren't triggered by anyone asking her if she'll ever get married. They often start by anyone referencing anything to do with marriage even if it has nothing to do with her.
I've been in a happy stable relationship for a while now but don't mention very many details about it because I like to keep my private life exactly that. Lately this anti-marriage friend has been very short with me and the slightest misstep in conversation will set her off (even if it's something as simple as her not hearing me the first time).
I'm just emotionally exhausted from spending time with her and her temperamental outbursts. It's hard to avoid her as we work together. But I'm just utterly sick of her attitude towards relationships and my "stupid decision" to get married.
To give some context as to her relationship experience: she's approaching the age of 50, has only dated one man briefly in college, and in all the time I've known her has never had a single date.
She swears up and down that she never wants to be married. Which I'd be 100% okay with (it's her life, not mine) if she didn't harbor so much anger towards couples. Outright she'll tell people that they're "crazy" for wanting to get married and that most married couples have just "settled" for their partners, and actually gets gleeful when she hears about a divorce.
The thought of partnering with someone sends her into a defensive tirade. She'll say she doesn't want a relationship because she needs her time alone, that if he wanted to spend time with her she'd tell him to piss off, and if her partner voiced his opinion she'd tell him to shut up. These tirades aren't triggered by anyone asking her if she'll ever get married. They often start by anyone referencing anything to do with marriage even if it has nothing to do with her.
I've been in a happy stable relationship for a while now but don't mention very many details about it because I like to keep my private life exactly that. Lately this anti-marriage friend has been very short with me and the slightest misstep in conversation will set her off (even if it's something as simple as her not hearing me the first time).
I'm just emotionally exhausted from spending time with her and her temperamental outbursts. It's hard to avoid her as we work together. But I'm just utterly sick of her attitude towards relationships and my "stupid decision" to get married.
Re: Cutting ties with an anti-marriage friend
That said, I would not blame you for distancing yourself from her now, even without saying anything about this issue directly. It's very hard to have someone in your life who is always questioning and insulting your life decisions, especially when the decisions you are making are normal and healthy ones. Obviously you would need to be careful about it since you guys work together, but I see nothing wrong with moving toward keeping your interactions with her more about work/business stuff rather than anything personal.
[Edited for clarity]
But, I'm a smile-and-nod person. If she goes on a tirade, smile and nod. When she's done, "So we can still meet at 2 to work on that spreadsheet, right?"
1) Be as polite as possible but also say, "I think we are going to have to agree to disagree here."
2) If it continues just re - state: "I heard your opinion and don't agree with it. Now let's move on to the task at hand."
3) If it's brought up again I think you need to say, "Sweetie I get your opinion on the matter. I just told you that we don't agree on it. Now let's do the job we need to."
And if it persists I'd go to HR if her inability to close her mouth is actually creating an environment that makes it hard for you to get your job done.
I can't understand why she's single. She seems like SUCH a catch!
on another note...this may sound judgy but to me her rants sound like she really WANTS a relationship!!! HAHAHA.
Although not nearly as extreme as OP, but I have a friend that takes every opportunity to pretend to be happy to be single. If anyone ever says anything negative about a relationship, no matter how big or small, she always says "reason number 458 why I'm single!". The one day I was finally irritated enough to say, "Really? That's why you're single? Because my husband snores?".
I was pretty apathetic to the idea of *me* getting married, but I can't understand a person caring so much about what other people are doing.
Meanwhile, he says to us that "he better be invited to the wedding". This wasn't really advice, just my own experience (plenty of good advice here). We have yet to say something to him - I'm trying to resist saying something snarky like "well you don't have to come to the wedding if it's too expensive (ours definitely costs less than average) and if you don't like marriage". But I will resist for the sake of peace haha.
It is either that, or she went through a time in her life when she was happy being single and so many people stuck their noses in her relationship status and said "oh, don't worry, you'll change your mind and end up in a relationship" and then she just snapped. I don't know why, but my mind immediately created this backstory.