This is bordering on 4 men territory...

mrsconn23 · August 2018

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend, Brett, and I are in our late 20s, and we live in a studio space at his parents’ house. We currently sleep in a “mega bed”—which is a brand-new, queen-size mattress his parents bought for him last year, shoved together with my cheap, full-size bed from college. When we put together the “mega bed,” I was in between apartments and thought it was temporary. A year later, it’s clear I’m not moving out anytime soon—and my side of “mega bed” sucks. My back hurts, I don’t sleep well, and it’s just not comfortable. Brett understands that my bed is much worse but refuses to let me sleep in his bed with him because he says he needs the space to sleep comfortably. I don’t want to spend the money on a new full-size mattress for myself because we hope to move out soon and won’t realistically be able to bring both mattresses with us.

I’ve offered to splurge on a king-size mattress for the two of us to share, but Brett feels guilty that his parents just bought him a new mattress and that he won’t be able to contribute financially to the new mattress (I have the savings, he doesn’t). Conversations end in frustration on both ends. I’ve started sleeping on the couch on the other side of the house. I feel bad wanting my boyfriend to grow up and get used to sleeping next to me, but if he can’t sleep comfortably, he has a valid point. … I just don’t know what to do and I’m tired.

—To Sleep or Not to Sleep

ShesSoCold · August 2018

All of this is ridiculous. I couldn't imagine living in someone else's parents house, #1. But dude not being willing to share a queen sized bed is just absurd. He's going to need to get used to it if he wants any type of adult long term relationship.

How does she think they're going to move out if he can't even afford a freaking mattress?

ETA - If I were this woman (which I would never be; I'd have to be in pretty bad financial shape to live with anyone's parents, mine included), I'd be accelerating my plans to move out, with or without him. If he can afford to contribute to the bills, sure, c'mon in (maybe). Otherwise, enjoy your mommy and daddy.

Also, why am I reminded of Mallrats and Brodie making Rene climb in and out of the basement window?

Casadena · August 2018

This is so stupid. Why is she not moving out anytime soon? She is harping on BF to be a grownup, but you can't move out of your BF's parents basement? It is also ridiculous that BF can't share a queen size bed. They both need to grow up and get the heck out mom and dad's basement.

CharmedPam · August 2018

a mattress is the single most important thing in my house. Aside from my TV of course. Why doesn't he realize that and want her to sleep better? Queens can be a bit small, I agree. But she offered to pay for a king.... Sounds to me like the whole thing? He'll have his space with that! jeez.

short+sassy · August 2018

I'm very confused. First, she says she is not "moving out anytime soon". Then, she talks about she doesn't want to get another full-size mattress because they will be moving out soon.

I have two perfectly valid solutions for them. Why is this hard?

She buys the king size mattress that they will eventually move with them, when they move. For now, put the relatively new queen mattress on its side in that room. When they move out, voila, the parents will have it for what I'm assuming will then be a guest bedroom.
Buy a cheap, new full-size mattress for the time being. You can buy them for less than $150 at a discount furniture place or a cleaned/fumigated one at Goodwill. After all, the LW has already saved THOUSANDS of dollars in rent by living with her b/f's parents.

Although why she is hitching her star to a selfish child-man is beyond me. Then again, she doesn't sound too grown up herself.

mrsconn23 · August 2018

They really both sound young and a little ridiculous. And if there's this much drama over a mattress and sleeping arrangements, what will come of much bigger issues? Also, this living with his parents arrangement needs to be reviewed often, because it does not sound like a sustainable long-term situation.

kerbohl · August 2018

Brett is prioritizing his space over LW's health. Dick move.
I sleep on a queen, and I think it is lots of space for two after a while. It took some getting used to and resulted in some odd nights, like when DH (who used to be a thrashy sleeper) woke up yelling about having to kill Smaug and punching the air. The boyfriend might sacrifice good sleep for a little while why he adjusts, but the adjustment can happen.

flantastic · August 2018

DH would be all "X and Y are my needs, but how can we get yours met too?"

Is that not how a relationship works?

I'm in 4 men territory. But I agree, she sounds immature too.

Jen4948 · August 2018

She should move out and replace her own mattress. But he's being an asshole in that he's making her needs and feelings lowest priority.

levioosa · August 2018

This is so juvenile. And LW’s bf sucks. Get a king mattress. Take it with you when you move out and either leave the Queen there as a guest bed, or if you luck out and get a 2 bedroom apartment, use it as your guest bed.

I desperately want a king. A Queen is too small for us with the way I like to starfish and the way FI flops around. But we’ve made it work. Because relationships are made of compromise. I had a temperpedic type mattress topper on our bed for awhile. It was magical. FI said his back was killing him. Guess what isn’t on our bed anymore?

CharmedPam · August 2018

levioosa said:

This is so juvenile. And LW’s bf sucks. Get a king mattress. Take it with you when you move out and either leave the Queen there as a guest bed, or if you luck out and get a 2 bedroom apartment, use it as your guest bed.

I desperately want a king. A Queen is too small for us with the way I like to starfish and the way FI flops around. But we’ve made it work. Because relationships are made of compromise. I had a temperpedic type mattress topper on our bed for awhile. It was magical. FI said his back was killing him. Guess what isn’t on our bed anymore?

From what I've heard with other couples, a mattress is one thing that's very hard to please both people in the relationship. I lucked out because I'm the rare one who LOVES a super soft mattress. When we were shopping for one, the saleslady could not understand how her 'softest' wasn't soft enough for both of us. H and i love pillow top ultra plush. We need to sink into it when we lay down.

banana468 · August 2018

LW needs to call his bluff and needs to move out into her own digs where she gets that king sized bed all to herself.

This BF may just be a jerk when it comes to sleeping arrangements but I'm smelling 4 men as well.

DH and I have our own sleeping issues but our solution is to work on them. Also, while we have a house with multiple bedrooms if he sleeps in another one I know it's not having anything to do with the relationship but how he sleeps. That's fine. But this dude sounds like he's not understanding the importance of prioritizing.

6fsn · August 2018

BF sounds like a selfish asshole. She should move out and get herself a King.

-Signed someone who can't wait for the sleep number delivery

levioosa · August 2018

banana468 said:

LW needs to call his bluff and needs to move out into her own digs where she gets that king sized bed all to herself.

This BF may just be a jerk when it comes to sleeping arrangements but I'm smelling 4 men as well.

DH and I have our own sleeping issues but our solution is to work on them. Also, while we have a house with multiple bedrooms if he sleeps in another one I know it's not having anything to do with the relationship but how he sleeps. That's fine. But this dude sounds like he's not understanding the importance of prioritizing.

Yes. Recently FI and I have been spending a lot of nights in separate bedrooms because our schedules haven’t aligned (I’m up late doing homework, he has to wake up early) and because Jack is a colossal asshole who only leaves us alone if we are apart. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been sleeping 100% better apart. But FI and I have talked about it and we are okay with our compromises. Bonus, the guest bed has the temperpedic topper now, so I get to be cooler and more comfortable. When we start feeling like it’s straining our relationship we spent a few nights together and then we’re reminded why we spend so many apart. FI can’t stop talking or moving in his sleep. I’m a freaking furnace. Jack tries to actively torture us with sleep deprivation. So we’ve figured out what works for us.

banana468 · August 2018

levioosa said:

banana468 said:

LW needs to call his bluff and needs to move out into her own digs where she gets that king sized bed all to herself.

This BF may just be a jerk when it comes to sleeping arrangements but I'm smelling 4 men as well.

DH and I have our own sleeping issues but our solution is to work on them. Also, while we have a house with multiple bedrooms if he sleeps in another one I know it's not having anything to do with the relationship but how he sleeps. That's fine. But this dude sounds like he's not understanding the importance of prioritizing.

Yes. Recently FI and I have been spending a lot of nights in separate bedrooms because our schedules haven’t aligned (I’m up late doing homework, he has to wake up early) and because Jack is a colossal asshole who only leaves us alone if we are apart. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been sleeping 100% better apart. But FI and I have talked about it and we are okay with our compromises. Bonus, the guest bed has the temperpedic topper now, so I get to be cooler and more comfortable. When we start feeling like it’s straining our relationship we spent a few nights together and then we’re reminded why we spend so many apart. FI can’t stop talking or moving in his sleep. I’m a freaking furnace. Jack tries to actively torture us with sleep deprivation. So we’ve figured out what works for us.

DH LOVES when we get a hotel room and there are two queens instead of one king.

We slept apart for about 9 months when Chiquito was born and I was up multiple times having to nurse at night. He's a super light sleeper and just said it made no sense for him to be up with kiddo in bed and his sleep suffered. I agreed.

That said, I missed him so much and really craved having him back. A good solution for us would be to one day have a guest bed that he can go to when he wants but still have the main bed in our room for when we want to be cozy.

Maybe that will happen in a few years when the kids are better sleepers, etc. But we also talk about that!

ShesSoCold · August 2018

I'm a super light sleeper and H snores. So does the dog (she sleeps in her own bed though). Years ago we fell into a habit of me either kicking them both out or me going to the couch if I couldn't sleep. Sleep is really important to me and it didn't bother me much, but H hated it. His dad has slept on the couch H's entire life (with both wives) and neither marriage was/is a happy one. H didn't want us to end up like that. So when we moved into this house, we made a point that no one would sleep on the couch unless there was some big reason for it. I've gotten used to it and have found ways to help me fall asleep and stay asleep. Now if he falls asleep on the couch, I wake up and miss him.

You just gotta get used to this kinda shit, LW's BF.

STARMOON44 · August 2018

Just go sleep in the queen tonight. If he doesn’t want to share he can sleep in the full.

This is bordering on 4 men territory...

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