Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion
Options

Dead (STBX) husband dilemma

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

My husband died while our marriage was dissolving. We hadn’t filed for divorce, but we were sleeping in separate bedrooms. I looked through his phone after his car accident and found out he was sleeping with other women. His family has no clue—we always put up a good show when we were going home. I will be cremating the body and flying home with it for the funeral. My in-laws are hysterical with grief, and I am just numb. I was never close to them, but I can see no good in telling the truth. What do I say to them? How do I lie through my teeth with everyone who loved and misses him? I don’t—I just want this all over.

—Dead Would-Have-Been Ex
Report Reply to Post

Re: Dead (STBX) husband dilemma

  • Options
    CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I would just continue to lie to them.  It's not like your'e going to see them very often after the funeral...  What good would it do to tell them what kind of person he really was?

    Report Reply
  • Options
    short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    While I understand it will feel awkward, she's really not talking about a long period of time to deal with the mourners.  Pretty much just one day, the day of the funeral.  People say mostly the same things.  She should have a few phrases ready to go.  She can listen to stories about her H, while other people grieve.  But I don't think people would expect the widow herself to be talkative.  She could also play the "widow card" to leave any gatherings on the earlier side.  And fly back out of town 1-2 days after the funeral. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Again, I appreciate Prudie's suggestion in their response of bringing a friend with her.  Said friend can either play intermediary and move people along and/or can extract LW if it's too much. 

    I don't feel LW should go into the details, since there's no public record like a divorce filing.  Also, phrases like, "I can't talk about it" or "it's too much right now" if people are invasive are just fine.  It doesn't give any impression of anything except that it's a hard time.  Which it is, regardless of the state of their marriage. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2018
    short+sassy said:
    While I understand it will feel awkward, she's really not talking about a long period of time to deal with the mourners.  
    Yes and no.  The week around MIL's death and funeral felt like a year.  In the moment, you feel like it's never going to end.  And with this additional turmoil on top of it with the status of their relationship, I cannot even imagine being in LW's shoes. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    What good does it do?  Move on.  
    Report Reply
  • Options
    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Take someone with you, definitely do not stay at the in laws house, limit time there and get home. 

    Work through all of this on your own, but let them grieve their loved one, too. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:
    charlotte989875 said:

    Work through all of this on your own, but let them grieve their loved one, too. 
    Yes, LW seems rather cold towards her IL's grief.   Which I can kind of understand. But since they didn't know about the situation because of LW and her H's choices (again, I don't fault LW and her H for choosing their choice), LW needs to take a step back and realize that their pain is very different from LW's. There is no word for a parent that has lost a child and outliving a child is an unimaginable pain.  
    That's a good point.  I realize she isn't close to her IL's but, maybe if she views it from the perspective of helping them with their grief, it will give her more of a purpose for the visit.  And she can focus more on that, instead of feeling like she is just there playacting.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    mrsconn23 said:
    charlotte989875 said:

    Work through all of this on your own, but let them grieve their loved one, too. 
    Yes, LW seems rather cold towards her IL's grief.   Which I can kind of understand. But since they didn't know about the situation because of LW and her H's choices (again, I don't fault LW and her H for choosing their choice), LW needs to take a step back and realize that their pain is very different from LW's. There is no word for a parent that has lost a child and outliving a child is an unimaginable pain.  
    This too.   Plus, how your marriage was going and his actions as a husband are not necessarily what make or break his actions as a son.   


    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards