Groom's Reaction?

[Deleted User] · September 2018

If you already got married, what was your husband's reaction to you in the dress? If you will be married, how do you realistically imagine it will go?

My fiance and I have been together for about 9 years. He is wonderful, amazing, caring, loving, gregarious, friendly, and kind. One thing he's not is complimentary.....at all. It's taken a huge hit to my self-esteem over the years. While confidence should certainly come from within, you start to really wonder about yourself when your partner and best friend doesn't have a kind word for you even after spending several hours getting ready. I'm not a supermodel or anything but I'm pretty and attractive and keep myself in good shape.

Anyway, I'm going dress shopping this weekend and instead of feeling excitement, I honestly feel sick to my stomach. People are always saying "wait 'till he sees you" or "he's gonna love you in the dress"....that's not the case for me. Instead of hoping he'll read my mind I've confronted him about it (which is a very vulnerable conversation to have btw). I've confronted him many several times actually. And each time either nothing happens, or he'll provide half-hearted, vague, and insincere "you look good" comments for a couple of weeks before going back to how things were. It doesn't even have to be about appearance, a simple "I'm proud of you" would really go a long way. For background, I compliment him almost daily, about specific sincere things that I adore about him.

Anyway, back to the dress (and my question)- is it just a fairytail hallmark moment for the groom to say "wow" or "you look beautiful" or something? Or is it more uncommon than one might think? I'm terrified to have a first look (likely won't happen) because it would be really weird and uncomfortable for me to show up with the photographer and such and to hear either something like a "hey you" or "you look nice" (am I your sister or your wife???) Also, are you having a first look? If you have had one, was the expectation of the groom's reaction weird? How do I alter expectations so I'm not disappointed on our wedding day? So much work goes into looking perfect on that day and planning for it.

Additionally, I don't feel like his lack of compliments come from his own insecurities. Waitresses hit on him right in front of me, he gets checked out all the time and objectively he's really handsome (it's kindof annoying sometimes tbh).

As an aside, clearly this part of my relationship clearly really upsets me, but when everything else is amazing, it's hard to see it as a deal-breaker. I also have some crippling and disabling health problems as of the last couple years and he's been the most supportive person in my life.

Thanks for your help!

levioosa · September 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

If you already got married, what was your husband's reaction to you in the dress? If you will be married, how do you realistically imagine it will go?

My fiance and I have been together for about 9 years. He is wonderful, amazing, caring, loving, gregarious, friendly, and kind. One thing he's not is complimentary.....at all. It's taken a huge hit to my self-esteem over the years. While confidence should certainly come from within, you start to really wonder about yourself when your partner and best friend doesn't have a kind word for you even after spending several hours getting ready. I'm not a supermodel or anything but I'm pretty and attractive and keep myself in good shape.

Anyway, I'm going dress shopping this weekend and instead of feeling excitement, I honestly feel sick to my stomach. People are always saying "wait 'till he sees you" or "he's gonna love you in the dress"....that's not the case for me. Instead of hoping he'll read my mind I've confronted him about it (which is a very vulnerable conversation to have btw). I've confronted him many several times actually. And each time either nothing happens, or he'll provide half-hearted, vague, and insincere "you look good" comments for a couple of weeks before going back to how things were. It doesn't even have to be about appearance, a simple "I'm proud of you" would really go a long way. For background, I compliment him almost daily, about specific sincere things that I adore about him.

Anyway, back to the dress (and my question)- is it just a fairytail hallmark moment for the groom to say "wow" or "you look beautiful" or something? Or is it more uncommon than one might think? I'm terrified to have a first look (likely won't happen) because it would be really weird and uncomfortable for me to show up with the photographer and such and to hear either something like a "hey you" or "you look nice" (am I your sister or your wife???) Also, are you having a first look? If you have had one, was the expectation of the groom's reaction weird? How do I alter expectations so I'm not disappointed on our wedding day? So much work goes into looking perfect on that day and planning for it.

Additionally, I don't feel like his lack of compliments come from his own insecurities. Waitresses hit on him right in front of me, he gets checked out all the time and objectively he's really handsome (it's kindof annoying sometimes tbh).

As an aside, clearly this part of my relationship clearly really upsets me, but when everything else is amazing, it's hard to see it as a deal-breaker. I also have some crippling and disabling health problems as of the last couple years and he's been the most supportive person in my life.

Thanks for your help!

I’m sorry, OP, but this is a huge red flag. You should not feel like your confidence has been torn down over years. That’s not normal or okay. Have you talked to him about it?

[Deleted User] · September 2018

Yes! Several times! (See post :-) ) How do I get over this and just enjoy dress shopping this weekend?? How do I go through the wedding day still feeling beautiful even if he doesn't say so? (Or because I've made such a stink about it feel like if he does say something half-hearted that it's insincere??)

ShesSoCold · September 2018

You do what you do every other day. You get yourself all ready so you think you look good and go enjoy your wedding and reception. You go about your day all the time without him complimenting you. If this isn't something new or different, the wedding day shouldn't really be any different.

As far as dress shopping, pick something you like. Pick something you think you look good in. Who cares what the salespeople say?

I did not have a first look. I think if you're honestly that worried that he won't say something profound in front of the photographer, then don't have one. NBD.

But I do have to say that if this is bothering you this much and he doesn't seem to care when you verbalize it to him, perhaps some outside help (counseling) can help you both understand each other and each other's love languages. They can help him find ways to boost your confidence without making him uncomfortable and help you see the (hopefully!) little things he does that show you he thinks you're beautiful.

charlotte989875 · September 2018

I get this. My husband is, generally, not a vocal person. It’s not his way of communicating, but he does find other ways to make sure I know that he finds me attractive. But yeah his first instinct is NEVER to tell anything about my clothes/how I look. It’s just not him. And it doesn’t bother me because I know he thinks I’m attractive, he loves me, and that’s enough for me.

Does he do other things that make you feel like he’s attracted to you/finds you attractive?

We did a first look am I’m glad we did. He did say much (I think an awkward “hi”) but his facial expression was pretty good (below). And I know him enough to know what it means.

Here’s the thing though, if it bothers you this much AND you’ve told him how much it bothers you and he hasn’t made any effort to change then I do think this might be a bigger problem. Again my H is super chatty, but he knows I need to hear him say things occasionally and he does make an effort.

As for dress shopping. Find something you love. That you feel good in. That makes you happy. The dress isn’t for him, it’s for you.

flantastic · September 2018

ShesSoCold said:

As far as dress shopping, pick something you like. Pick something you think you look good in. Who cares what the salespeople say?

It's easy to say this - choose a dress that makes you feel like you look amazing. The bolded is the main criterion for something that goes on your body. It shouldn't have to be based entirely on the opinion of others, regardless of whether that's salespeople or your FI. If that seems like something you can do, more power to you, and the dress part of this should be fine.

However, while that level of confidence is the goal, many of us aren't there. And it's definitely important relationship-wise to a) feel like your partner is attracted to you and b) your partner is willing to put effort into something you express as a need, even if he/she doesn't fully understand it. If one or both of those things isn't present, that's a bigger problem than what sort of dress to choose.

climbingsingle · September 2018

I honestly think you and your FI need to do some counseling before you get married. I personally would not be able to be with someone that never paid me a compliment.

But on the flip side of it, focus on how YOU feel in the dress. Pick one that you love. Do you feel beautiful in it? That's what counts.

For the record, we did a first look. I honestly can't remember the words he said. I was more focused on how he looked in his tux.

missJeanLouise · September 2018

My husband is not a “words of affirmation” (or whatever the love language is) type of guy. I could probably count on one hand the amount of times he has complimented my looks. It just isn’t his style. Luckily, it is also not one of my love languages so it doesn’t bother me. Sounds like it is one of yours.

we did a first look and I don’t think he said anything about me or my dress. If he did, it wasn’t memorable.

My advice is to find a dress that YOU feel beautiful in. Plenty of other people will compliment you, I promise. If you haven’t heard it of it, look up the Love Languages book. I haven’t actually read it but even just learning about it really helped me learn how to accept the love my DH can give instead of the love I wanted him to give. (His love language is gifts and that felt so disingenuous and fake to me, like he was trying to buy my love. I wanted him to do things with me, but that isn’t who he is. I had to learn that if I wanted to find peace in the relationship I had to accept that him buying me something I didn’t need was his way of telling me he loves me. After I did that I was much happier and more satisfied in our relationship.)

[Deleted User] · September 2018

Thank you charlotte989875. You look amazing! I want a veil just like that.

Can I ask, what does he do that lets you know that he thinks you're beautiful without words? To me there's a difference between doing things where I know he loves me (like coming to a doctor's appointment and driving me on days when my health issues prohibit me) vs. doing things that tell me he thinks I look nice (like a certain look or double-take or something)?

ShesSoCold · September 2018

OP, I know you asked Charlotte, but I have a couple.

This is one of those weird couple things that everyone else will think is totally weird - he watches me change. LOL it's become a habit and he's accidentally trained the dog to do the same. It started in our first apartment - I'd go into the closet to change and he'd follow me and lay on the bed. The dog came too and now she still follows me into the closet, even when H isn't around.

He loses his train of though. Like, last night he was talking to me while I was in the shower and when I got out, he just stopped mid-sentence and forgot what he was talking about.

The way he touches me - we're not PDA kind of people but he does touch me a lot more when we're out and I've put some effort in than he does when I'm wearing yesterday's makeup at the grocery store.

He's always horny. Always.

But every man is different and I really think a couples counselor can help here. Not only can they help him understand how this is important to you, but they'll help you find those little things that he probably does do.

A lot of people look at counseling as the last ditch effort before a breakup and that makes me sad. H and I went to many sessions to work on the issues that were ongoing. We were generally very happy with each other and our marriage, but we kept coming back to the same handful of issues. It really opened my eyes to some harmful things I've been doing and definitely helped iron out those kinks that never went away before.

charlotte989875 · September 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Thank you charlotte989875. You look amazing! I want a veil just like that.

Can I ask, what does he do that lets you know that he thinks you're beautiful without words? To me there's a difference between doing things where I know he loves me (like coming to a doctor's appointment and driving me on days when my health issues prohibit me) vs. doing things that tell me he thinks I look nice (like a certain look or double-take or something)?

Mine are really similar to SSC’s. He tells me my boobs look good, he watches when I get changed, stares a little longer than he would normally, grabs my butt when I’m wearing fitted jeans. It did take me a while to figure out that was his way of telling me he thought I was sexy.

He’ll occasionally say “you look nice” if I’m wearing something he hasn’t seen before, but beyond that? He just doesn’t notice clothes/hair/style. Not just on me but that’s not his thing.

Does he make you feel beautiful/sexy/attractive in other ways?

STARMOON44 · September 2018

Don’t marry him because he isn’t nice to you

[Deleted User] · September 2018

charlotte989875 he does grab my boobs and butt. He hasn't really been one to initiate certain things the past couple years, I think mostly because of watching too much p*** (that's a different separate issue which also doesn't help with self-esteem much). He doesn't watch me change and if anything is like "why are you changing here". I asked him what he would think of a boudoir shoot and he was like "that's weird". He is very snuggly and is always touching me but I interpret that more to mean that he loves me so much...not necessarily that he thinks I'm pretty.

CharmedPam · September 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

charlotte989875 he does grab my boobs and butt. He hasn't really been one to initiate certain things the past couple years, I think mostly because of watching too much p*** (that's a different separate issue which also doesn't help with self-esteem much). He doesn't watch me change and if anything is like "why are you changing here". I asked him what he would think of a boudoir shoot and he was like "that's weird". He is very snuggly and is always touching me but I interpret that more to mean that he loves me so much...not necessarily that he thinks I'm pretty.

wait, how do those two things connect? like, Im legit in the dark about emotions and porn watching (you can type out porn too btw)

LondonLisa · September 2018

Oh girl....

ShesSoCold · September 2018

Yeah, OP, I'm sorry but this sounds like a bigger problem than an awkward first look.

This man doesn't sound like he cares about your self esteem, he sits around and lets his friend(s) treat you like shit and it sounds like he might watch enough porn that's causing a problem with your intimacy.

I really hope you consider counseling. For you both to understand each other's needs.

ETA - I don't know if this is relevant but I wouldn't assume that people who you see as attractive or get hit on don't have insecurities. Self esteem isn't necessarily dependent on what strangers think of (general) you.

climbingsingle · September 2018

Ok, the more you post, the more your situation concerns me.

My H watches porn. I'd bet probably multiple times per week. This does not mean he wants sex less, or doesn't initiate things.

VarunaTT · September 2018

Here's what's happening, OP. You have a partner who isn't giving you the affirmations you need. And you've asked for those things. And he still isn't. And it's hurting your self esteem b/c you need affirmation/validation and he isn't giving them, even after a vulnerable discussion.

He is also watching porn. I have no issue with porn and I suspect you don't either. It's that him watching porn feels like he's wanting someone else, b/c you and your needs aren't being validated by your partner. If he gave you want you needed/wanted, you wouldn't care about the porn. Hell, both my partner and I watch porn a few times a week and I still tell my partner how hot they are, catch my breath in front of them, and compliment them. Porn doesn't have a damn thing to do with really anything in our relationship, beyond us talking about our favorites.

I would suggest counseling. It's not so much the issue of what you need, as it is that he isn't willing to consider what you need and uplift in, in some compromise manner. Both of you should have to step something up and it should push both of you a little bit. This is something that will start to hurt more and more. I speak from experience; it was a lack of affection in nearly every way possible that helped my divorce along. I wouldn't wish the feelings I had on anyone.

short+sassy · September 2018

What I find most striking about your post is when you talk about how much his behavior has ebbed away at your self-esteem and confidence. He sounds like a great guy in many ways, but your FI should be uplifting your self-esteem. Not eating away at it. This is a problem that will most likely get worse with time. Not better.

I agree with the other PPs that some pre-marital counseling sessions would hopefully do you all a lot of good. @missJeanLouise talked about "Love Languages" and that is good advice. Right now, you all aren't speaking the same "love language". Which doesn't necessarily need to be a deal breaker! But it does need to be addressed. He may not be the kind of guy who will ever give you all the verbal assurances you want, but he can be the guy who tries and does it enough so that you don't feel your confidence is eroding away. But he has to want to and understand the importance of this for you.

For a little context, I am a naturally fairly confident person. But no one is an island and I do need the occasional reassurances at work that I am doing a good job and at home that I bring my partner happiness and he finds me attractive. I had a long-term b/f in college who was uncomfortable with verbal assurances and never gave me compliments. To make it even worse, he complimented other women all the time. It was like the slow drops of water that eventually create a hole in the mountain. And over time I became this nervous, insecure shell of my former self. I was devastated when he broke up with me but, in hindsight, it was the biggest favor he ever did for me. Without his negative presence, my self worth started to grow again and I got back to normal.

It sounds like your FI loves and cares for you deeply. However, he's an "actions" guy, not a "words" guy. I know he doesn't want you to become an insecure shell. So he needs to learn some strategies/ideas to become more of a "words" guy. Honestly, I think this is more of him just learning a new habit. And it can be hard to learn a new habit, but can be done.

For the wedding day plans: I think you all should skip the first look. I think that would be setting you up for disappointment and him up for failure. Ahead of time, like at least a few days ahead of time and with a few reminders, that it is really important to you that he tells you, "You are beautiful," (or similar) on your all's wedding day. Tell him: Really important. Please do not forget.

I know, I know. Having to tell someone what to do when you think/hope they should just naturally know that, takes some of the "magic" out. But it isn't something he is good at naturally. And he'll mean the words he says and you need to hear those words...even if he needs a little "reminding/prompting" in the days leading up to the ceremony.

MesmrEwe · September 2018

Couple things - First - premarital counseling is recommended for ALL couples, even those who have great dating relationships and is required by many churches as a condition of getting married in the faith, and, some states offer a discount on the cost of the marriage license if couples go through premarital counseling because it has a strong effect on the instances of divorce, so the argument of "Last attempt before a breakup" is entirely BS. Marriage and Family Counselors often will offer this as a discounted package because they'd much rather work with couples before they're married on things that should be talked about before marriage than after they're married when if they talked about some of this stuff before it wouldn't be an issue later on (and some of these things are dealbreakers like to have or not have kids, finances, work schedules, "what happens if/when", etc.)

I'm also with the PP in that your post does fire off a lot of red warning flags and this one even lights up the flashing light bar! No one that is worthy of you is going to beat your self esteem and confidence down - EVER! That is something independent of communication styles because it's like putting a shining light under a clay pot. All of your examples point to it's time to put some work in to you as a smart, beautiful, articulate being because if you're realizing this stuff now, what's a lifetime of that going to be like - now's the time to change course!

All that aside - Make sure when shopping you've purchased your Busk, Corset, or strapless so you're getting an accurate "How does this look on me" first. I highly do not recommend purchasing this from the bridal shop as they tend to be cheaply made and unrealistically expensive. From there, you choose the dress that is in your budget after alterations that you look in the mirror and go "Hey hottie I'd marry you myself looking this good!".. You choose the dress YOU love that fits your budget or is under it! Also, be smart about things like crinolines (They're $20 on Amazon) or veils (they're also super cheap on Amazon, Light in the Box, JoAnn's, Michael's, or pennies to DIY).. In the attire section, there is a "How to choose your dress" thread. Next - realize buying your dress is a business deal and not an emotional sale. Do not get sucked into the emotional "if you don't order today you won't have a dress" or sales pressure into a dress you don't like (add a tiara/headpiece/veil and accessories) or using your family/friends against you ("tell her she looks good in this and he'll give her compliments") tactics .. Know that it'll be coming your way, do not fall for it, you can have your emotional moment loving the dress, but realize that the purchase itself is a business deal. Also, your budget, knock what you tell the shop down by about half because the other half is going to get sucked into things like shoes, crinoline, alterations, veil/headpiece, undergarments, etc. You are better to go under budget than over it!

artbyallie · September 2018

Ditto counseling, and maybe get him to read the 5 Love Languages book or at least both of you take a quiz about it. H knows my main ones are Gifts (I like giving them too, and seeing the recipient's reaction, so this is not greedy like it sounds) and Acts of Service. He's more a physical/words guy, but he does make more effort now to show me love in the ways that speak to me personally, and vice versa.

ernursej · September 2018

My H is not into words of affirmation, but he does make an effort because I appreciate that and I need to hear them. I didn't expect him to say very much on our wedding day … and he didn't. I think I got a "you look like you" which coming from him is the equivalent of "holy crap, you look absolutely smashing and I love that you don't look like a pageant princess". He did let me know that he could see why I picked the dress and has supported me to figure out an option to preserve it.

I agree that counselling is needed (and all couples should go). You don't have to be each other's university cheering squad, but you should be each other's personal cheerleader and provide the support each person needs.

Love languages is very important. Do a google search and take the test. My H doesn't like doing those kind of things but I was able to figure out which language he spoke and that was helpful to decode certain behaviours.

short+sassy · September 2018

ernursej said:

My H is not into words of affirmation, but he does make an effort because I appreciate that and I need to hear them. I didn't expect him to say very much on our wedding day … and he didn't. I think I got a "you look like you" which coming from him is the equivalent of "holy crap, you look absolutely smashing and I love that you don't look like a pageant princess". He did let me know that he could see why I picked the dress and has supported me to figure out an option to preserve it.
I agree that counselling is needed (and all couples should go). You don't have to be each other's university cheering squad, but you should be each other's personal cheerleader and provide the support each person needs.
Love languages is very important. Do a google search and take the test. My H doesn't like doing those kind of things but I was able to figure out which language he spoke and that was helpful to decode certain behaviours.

This reminds me of one of my favorite compliments...that didn't seem to start out that way, lol. It's a funny story.

I was young, just out of high school, and dating a guy who installed equipment/wiring for businesses. After the fact, he told me about an installation he'd done that day while photography shoots were going on for Playboy or Penthouse (I forget which). Immediate brief moment of insecurity and I half-joked something like, "I hope you still like me after seeing all those beautiful models!"

He replied, "Of course I do! I don't want a girlfriend who looks all perfect like that. I'd much rather have a girl like you."

Ummm...thanks? lmao. And I said something that effect.

He clarified and said, "No, no, not like that! They just looked kinda fake. Fake boobs. Fake tans. Lots of make-up. You're naturally beautiful and I like that so much better."

Good save, dude, lol.

[Deleted User] · October 2018

Thanks everyone! Shopping was great!

MobKaz · October 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:.......Yes! Several times! (See post :-) ) How do I get over this and just enjoy dress shopping this weekend?? How do I go through the wedding day still feeling beautiful even if he doesn't say so? (Or because I've made such a stink about it feel like if he does say something half-hearted that it's insincere??)

Thank you charlotte989875. You look amazing! I want a veil just like that.

Can I ask, what does he do that lets you know that he thinks you're beautiful without words? To me there's a difference between doing things where I know he loves me (like coming to a doctor's appointment and driving me on days when my health issues prohibit me) vs. doing things that tell me he thinks I look nice (like a certain look or double-take or something)?

charlotte989875 he does grab my boobs and butt. He hasn't really been one to initiate certain things the past couple years, I think mostly because of watching too much p*** (that's a different separate issue which also doesn't help with self-esteem much). He doesn't watch me change and if anything is like "why are you changing here". I asked him what he would think of a boudoir shoot and he was like "that's weird". He is very snuggly and is always touching me but I interpret that more to mean that he loves me so much...not necessarily that he thinks I'm pretty.

Thanks everyone! Shopping was great!

Because.....history tends to repeat itself.

ShesSoCold · October 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Thanks everyone! Shopping was great!

LOL oh good! Glad you're getting to the root of the problem and really addressing this.

holyguacamole79 · October 2018

I agree with the others who suggest premarital counseling.

We didn't do a first look because my husband wanted to be at the end of the aisle and see me then. I still have a picture on my desk at home of his smile and it warms my heart.

If what your FI is doing (lack of compliments, porn, etc) is affecting your self esteem, I really think y'all need to talk it out. A wedding does not fix these issues.

nightnerd · October 2018

Ditto to the premarital counseling. If there have been multiple conversations about your need for words of affirmation and nothing has changed, that is a problem that will only keep growing. The connection you're making between his porn habits and lack of initiation/intimacy is also very concerning. He could otherwise be a great person and these aren't *necessarily* things that will end you as a couple, but they do need to be addressed. Can you see yourself living exactly like this in ten years and truly being happy? Probably not. I wouldn't be, if my partner wasn't trying to meet me in the middle on this stuff.

I can identify with wanting more compliments - looking cute can be some hard work, lol, and we want credit. My SO is not much of a words guy either (although he is brilliant in that he always at least notices and says SOMETHING when I do something new with my hair). But if I'm wearing a new outfit, did my makeup all nice, got dressed up for some special occasion, he's not the most observant. It used to frustrate me, but then I noticed other gestures that PP also mentioned, like suddenly drifting off mid- sentence or getting grabby and snuggly. I caught him just staring at me a few times while I was cooking in the first few months we were dating, like just mesmerized, and that's when I realized that just because he's not saying anything doesn't mean he's not impressed. (And I'm pretty sure it's not by my cooking haha.) Your SO may have his own little tell, but it sounds like he could stand to be much more obvious, and I would think he'd want to do things that make you feel loved and wanted.

I'm glad dress shopping went well.

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