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4 friends

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

I have a friend whose husband took a plea deal in a case of possession and distribution of child pornography. It’s possible that he will be out with time served soon, although that remains unclear. I don’t care to share any space with him. I expect her to try to bring him back into social circles we share as if nothing happened. She is also in denial over the seriousness of his crime (he maintains innocence and ignorance or blames drunkenness and depression). How should I handle the possibility that I may be surprised in the future by this guy’s presence at some social event? Also, should I be disturbed by my friend’s denial and minimizing of her husband’s offense?

—Need Some Space
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Re: 4 friends

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    LW is going to have to say something to the wife if/when the time comes. I agree that I bet Wife will just show up with Convict and act like everything's normal and I'd rather speak to Wife beforehand than deal with that mess. 

    It's up to LW to decide if she's willing to still be friends with someone married to and defending a man convicted of child porn. I wouldn't be, but I'm not LW. S/he needs to decide that for themselves and I don't think Prudie can help. 

    If LW wants to keep being friends with Wife, a simple, "Hey I know your husband is getting out soon and I'm happy for you, but I need you to know that I'm not willing to be friends with him anymore and I will not be spending time with him". 

    Years ago, I decided to no longer interact with someone in my group of friends. She did something I couldn't get over while everyone else believed it was an accident. I ended up losing touch with everyone else and honestly lost a ton of respect for them that they overlooked obvious abuse that led to the death of an infant. I may not have those 15 friends, but IDGAF. I'm able to look myself in the mirror. 
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    baconsmom said:
    See, I would wait until I'm at said social situation, and then LOUDLY talk about why I'm leaving. 

    But I'm a bitch, and I like to shame evil people. 
    And this is why I like you. I didn't even realize I was trying to be all diplomatic and non-confrontational and you come in with a "Fuck these people". I love it and I like your answer way better than mine.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I'd be clear with the friend from the start, "I understand that he may be out of prison but I do not wish to socialize with him.   Please know that if I run into I promise to be quite clear regarding why I think he shouldn't be there." 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    What is it with people always trying to defend child predators? Fuck this guy, and fuck the wife for ignoring and minimizing something so heinous. 


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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    They don't mention having kids, but if any of them do then I would think it will be against the law for him to go anywhere they may be. I'm sure he would have to register and stay away from anywhere kids are. Her defending him would have already been my deal breaker for the friendship.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    ShesSoCold said:
    baconsmom said:
    See, I would wait until I'm at said social situation, and then LOUDLY talk about why I'm leaving. 

    But I'm a bitch, and I like to shame evil people. 
    And this is why I like you. I didn't even realize I was trying to be all diplomatic and non-confrontational and you come in with a "Fuck these people". I love it and I like your answer way better than mine.

    I like both your all's answers!

    @ShesSoCold, your personal story was really compelling in how you handled a similar situation.

    I could be wrong.  Though I hope I'm not.  But I suspect Wife will be the one finding herself and her H "persona(s) non grata" in the friend group.  And "bumping into them" at events won't be a worry for LW.

    With that said, I agree with all the PPs.  I think it is the courteous thing to do, to at least give the friend a heads up that either a) I cannot be friends with you and your H anymore because of his heinous crime or b) I still value our friendship, but cannot stand to be around your H because of his heinous crime.  Depending on how the LW feels about even staying friends with this woman.

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Leave. And tell everyone why you’re leaving. And then tell the friend that’s what you’ll be doing anytime she tries to bring him around soocially. 

    Eff social niceties when children are abused. GTFO. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I would tell the friend, "It is not possible for me to be friends with your husband or socialize with him anymore. I will not be inviting him to social events that I host and if he shows up at one where I am a guest, I will leave." And I'd follow through. I would decline any invitations from her where he is present as well.
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Be proactive- "This is difficult,  but what your husband did was intentional and unforgivable. Therefore I am unable to socialise, or be in the same space as him. I hope you can appreciate that this is a firm boundary. I would still like to continue our friendship, but I hope you can respect my boundaries."

    I would also be talking to close friends in the group and hear what their perspectives are (not to gossip, more only with close friends). Just because you don't want to be in a situation where you are at a dinner party and he walks in. Of course, that won't be your fault, and I would get up and leave. But it would be nice to get a heads up about what allies you have in this. 
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  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Wow. I've had some friends whose spouses I didn't like or respect, but this takes the cake. Arrogant snob? Okay, sure. Know-it-all? Yeah, maybe. But CHILD PORNOGRAPHER? Nope. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Drunkenness and depression are not excuses for something as heinous as child pornography. This creep would no longer be welcome in my life, nor would his wife if she keeps defending him or acting like it's not a big deal. 
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