Wedding Etiquette Forum

Inviting themselves

I'm so baffled by this, I don't even know where to start. 

My fiancé received a phone call yesterday from his dad's girlfriend.  He was at work, so he was unable to answer it, but she left a voicemail.  The voicemail asked him when she and her daughter would be receiving invitations to our wedding.  Our wedding is not until March of next year.  I haven't even ordered the invitations yet.  Save the dates went out back in August.  She was not included on the list because she wasn't dating my fiancé's dad at the time.

Just some background information.  They were dating last year and broke up right after Christmas. They got back together in September. We got engaged in February.  When my fiancé and I started working on the guest list, I asked his dad about inviting her. (they have been on again, off again before) He said he didn't care if she came or not.  My thought process was his dad is getting a plus one, so if they get back together she will come with him.  His dad is a ladies man.  We joke about it with him all the time.  Our fear with inviting her to the wedding was that they may break up again and he will invite another lady.  So we told his dad that he has a plus one and he can choose to bring her or someone else of his choosing. It doesn't matter to us.  We want him to be happy and comfortable at the wedding.

I have read a ton of discussions and my fiancé knows he has to respond to her. :) (Thank you fellow knotties) My concern is, if his dad tells us she is his plus one, do I have an obligation to invite her daughter and significant other?  Her daughter is around our age and does not live with her.

I will also add that my fiancé and I are the only ones paying for the wedding.

Thanks for the help :)

Re: Inviting themselves

  • As your FFILs SO she should be invited by name when invites go out, but IMO you have no obligation to invite her daughter. 
    techie03InLoveInQueensshort+sassyMairePoppy
  • We were waiting to find out his plus one before invites go out to make sure invitations are properly addressed.   I was just shocked that she called to see when she was getting an invitation.  It's rather rude imo. Thanks for responding :)
    MairePoppy
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2018
    If she is FFIL's significant other when invitations go out, then you have to invite her. FI should speak to his dad before sending invites out to see what's going on. 

    You do not need to invite her daughter. It was wrong of her to assume that you would.
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    short+sassyILoveBeachMusiccharlotte989875ahoywedding
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    techie03 said:

    I'm so baffled by this, I don't even know where to start. 

    My fiancé received a phone call yesterday from his dad's girlfriend.  He was at work, so he was unable to answer it, but she left a voicemail.  The voicemail asked him when she and her daughter would be receiving invitations to our wedding.  Our wedding is not until March of next year.  I haven't even ordered the invitations yet.  Save the dates went out back in August.  She was not included on the list because she wasn't dating my fiancé's dad at the time.

    Just some background information.  They were dating last year and broke up right after Christmas. They got back together in September. We got engaged in February.  When my fiancé and I started working on the guest list, I asked his dad about inviting her. (they have been on again, off again before) He said he didn't care if she came or not.  My thought process was his dad is getting a plus one, so if they get back together she will come with him.  His dad is a ladies man.  We joke about it with him all the time.  Our fear with inviting her to the wedding was that they may break up again and he will invite another lady.  So we told his dad that he has a plus one and he can choose to bring her or someone else of his choosing. It doesn't matter to us.  We want him to be happy and comfortable at the wedding.

    I have read a ton of discussions and my fiancé knows he has to respond to her. :) (Thank you fellow knotties) My concern is, if his dad tells us she is his plus one, do I have an obligation to invite her daughter and significant other?  Her daughter is around our age and does not live with her.

    I will also add that my fiancé and I are the only ones paying for the wedding.

    Thanks for the help :)

    Unrelated, but unless this woman called FI's work number, I have to wonder why she would even have his cell phone number?  For an on again/off again relationship, that seems a bit "intimate" from my POV.

    If I had the capability, I think I would text a response versus actually returning the phone call.  She was rude to even ask.  For that reason I would send a text versus a call so as to avoid any actual reciprocal conversation regarding the invitation.  I would use wording similar to what @athomerose suggests.  Personally, I would simply say invitations have yet to be ordered and leave it at that.
    ei34MairePoppy
  • @athomerose thank you for an idea on what to say. I will definitely tell my fiancé. We were just a little taken back by the boldness and didn’t even know how to respond.

    @downtondiva She will definitely be invited to the wedding as FFIL plus one if he picks her. It just don’t think it’s neccessary to give her an invitation addressed to her only.

    @MobKaz Funny you mention her having the cellphone number. I was just thinking how she even got them. She has mine as well. I can’t recall ever giving her my number and I know my fiancé didn’t give her ours. It must have been FFIL.  
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She sounds pretty rude, to call and ask for an invite. You are not obligated at all to invite her daughter. But yes, as others have said, if she is his SO by the time the invites go out, she should be included on the invite by name. 

    But you've handled this well so far. 

    ei34
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    techie03 said:
    @athomerose thank you for an idea on what to say. I will definitely tell my fiancé. We were just a little taken back by the boldness and didn’t even know how to respond.

    @downtondiva She will definitely be invited to the wedding as FFIL plus one if he picks her. It just don’t think it’s neccessary to give her an invitation addressed to her only.

    @MobKaz Funny you mention her having the cellphone number. I was just thinking how she even got them. She has mine as well. I can’t recall ever giving her my number and I know my fiancé didn’t give her ours. It must have been FFIL.  
    FI needs to have a chat with his father ASAP.  I never give out the phone number of anyone without their permission.  FFIL needs to learn a few basic boundaries.
    ILoveBeachMusicahoyweddingei34
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just read the part about the cell phone numbers - I'd be pissed! He should absolutely say something to his dad about that. 

    ei34
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2018
    I'm thinking "No wonder it's an on again/off again relationship!"...  Boundaries!

    O.k. how FI should respond is "Invitations have not even been ordered yet..  Those who are invited will be receiving their invitations approximately 6-8 weeks prior".  And yes, use those terms because she may or may not be invited given the relationship at this point.  If she is "on again" at that point of the invitations being sent, it'd be diplomatic to invite the daughter...
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Your father's GF has a lot of nerve. Ask FFIL how she got your numbers, she may have snooped in his phone. Your FFIL should tell his GF? that  he will let her know if she is included on his invitation and her daughter is definitely not invited. No need to be gentle with that type.
                       
    ILoveBeachMusicMobKazei34
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