My sister's wet-blanket boyfriend

mrsconn23 · October 2018

Dear Prudence,

I am married, and my sister is dating a guy named “Dan.” We are all in our mid-20s. Dan is a buzzkill. He is boring: He hates sports, bars, restaurants (but he doesn’t cook), and movies, and he thinks pets are “unsanitary.” He never offers a suggestion for an outing and just sits like a bump on a log if we do anything as a group. Conversations with him are minimal. My sister is fun—she cosplays at conventions, is always willing to try something new, and she wants to get a dog once she can find a place with a yard. My sister wants my approval, but I don’t know what to say. Dan isn’t a bad guy—just beige. I don’t see my lovely, lively sister being happy with him. Should I say anything to her? If so, what? I have tried the “If he makes you happy” standby, but my sister knows that is a dodge.

—Buzzkill

banana468 · October 2018

Then just start asking questions. "He seems nice. What do you two do for fun? "

Rather than share an opinion, try to get sis to open up about what she sees in him.

ShesSoCold · October 2018

banana468 said:

Then just start asking questions. "He seems nice. What do you two do for fun? "

Rather than share an opinion, try to get sis to open up about what she sees in him.

This.

This letter could be written by one of my friends' sister. She is currently on her way to a convention in Oregon with another friend because her "Dan" doesn't like to do that shit. He doesn't like to do a whole lot of anything. But they're happy. She does all of the things she wants to do and so does he. They occasionally do things together but she's fine doing them alone or with friends.

I guess my H is somewhat similar too. He doesn't often go to games, he doesn't like bars and never goes on any of the pub crawls or parties my one group of friends has. I bet they see him as boring and lame. But I think he's pretty freaking great and IDGAF what anyone else thinks.

bubblylove · October 2018

I would just try to get to know him and what he does like. My husband is very quiet and I am not. He likes tractors and engines etc and I do not. We do some things together but also have separate friends and it's amazing.

missJeanLouise · October 2018

I bet Dan is a rockstar in the sack.

short+sassy · October 2018

Especially for someone close, ie her sister, I don't think there is anything wrong with gently leveling with her. Something like, "Dan seems very nice and I like that he treats you well. But I'm worried that he seems a lot more reserved/more of a homebody than you are (insert examples)." Basically, open up a dialogue with sis. Maybe the sister secretly has some of these same concerns and will think more about them. Or maybe the sister will excitedly rattle on about all the things she loves about and does with Dan. How happy she is. And assuage the LW's worry.

charlotte989875 · October 2018

Try asking your sister about what they do, or better yet ask Dan what he’s into! Just because he’s not your cup of tea doesn’t mean he doesn’t make your sister happy.

ei34 · October 2018

Why does LW’s approval matter so much to her sister? If not for “my sister wants my approval” and the last sentence, I’d be telling LW that they shouldn’t be so judgy, maybe Dan is everything the sister wants, but it does seem a bit like LW is looking for a tactful way to tell the sister. Certainly the way someone treats you is more important than their likes and dislikes matching yours.

banana468 · October 2018

missJeanLouise said:

I bet Dan is a rockstar in the sack.

This is my immediate thought:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtSx6cPJLfk 

Casadena · October 2018

If the sister is asking for her opinion I think it's fine to give it. That doesn't mean being rude but if you have a good enough relationship that you hang out a lot and she wants your approval I think it's totally fine to give it. You can be honest without calling him "beige" or a "buzzkill".

downtondiva · October 2018

banana468 said:

Then just start asking questions. "He seems nice. What do you two do for fun? "

Rather than share an opinion, try to get sis to open up about what she sees in him.

Yes. LW should try to understand her sister and the boyfriend better rather than rushing to judgment.

Also, Dan may not like cosplay or anything adventurous, but he may also be perfectly fine letting LW's sister do these things on her own while he stays home. Some couples are totally happy having their time together and then each doing their own thing and pursuing their own interest without their partner getting involved.

If it reaches a point where Dan is isolating LW's sister from doing what she loves or from the friends she does those things with, then LW should be concerned. But I don't see any indication that that's happened at this point.

MesmrEwe · October 2018

As long as the sister works out things such that if the relationship were to progress she still gets to go do her thing and not be smothered and expected to "settle down" and become a homebody, it'll work. That said - I know a lot of Husband-wife team entertainers that the wife is the gregarious one and the husband the quiet one and the relationship works because they each have their niche and compliment eachother incredibly well!

kerbohl · October 2018

My H doesn't travel and I do. I've had people raise their eyes at this when I jet off to Europe without him, but hey - he's not getting as much out of it as I am, so he's happier at home. And it makes the trips where he does come with me all the more special. LW might see this guy as a "wet blanket", but sister might not, and that's the important thing. But I do agree that if the sister stops doing what she loves because of Dan, that might be a time to say something.

MyNameIsNot · October 2018

The fact that the sister is asking for approval is what gives me pause here. LW is not writing out of concern about the beige guy, she's asking how to answer her sister about the beige guy. Maybe the sister is always insecure and always looks for approval about her dates. In that case, redirecting questions about why she likes him would help.

If this isn't normal for the sister, I suspect it's a case that she has her own questions about the relationship, but feels guilty about not liking a perfectly nice guy for being boring, and is looking for some validation of her feelings. I still don't think calling him beige is the solution, but maybe LW can ask the right questions to help her sister think through her own feelings.

short+sassy · October 2018

MyNameIsNot said:

The fact that the sister is asking for approval is what gives me pause here. LW is not writing out of concern about the beige guy, she's asking how to answer her sister about the beige guy. Maybe the sister is always insecure and always looks for approval about her dates. In that case, redirecting questions about why she likes him would help.

If this isn't normal for the sister, I suspect it's a case that she has her own questions about the relationship, but feels guilty about not liking a perfectly nice guy for being boring, and is looking for some validation of her feelings. I still don't think calling him beige is the solution, but maybe LW can ask the right questions to help her sister think through her own feelings.

Exactly! My response would have been different if the LW wanted to tell her sister that the b/f wasn't right for her, out of nowhere. But the sister is looking for the LW's opinion. And the LW should give her honest opinion, albeit I think she should watch her word choice and keep it on the gentler side.

My sister's wet-blanket boyfriend

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