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Wedding Woes
mrsconn23
member
If she doesn't like the option, she can get a hotel. (Also maybe some grief counseling, LW.)
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,
My father died last year after a long illness, and my mother immediately moved on to a new beau. It was hard to see, but my sister and I acknowledge that our mother did much of her grieving before our father died. My sister is hosting Thanksgiving this year. Her in-laws are staying over, so my mother and her new boyfriend are staying with me. My guest room has twin beds. This is “unacceptable” for adults—my mother is demanding she get my room. The thought of my mother having sex with her boyfriend in my bed makes me want to vomit. I don’t want to be the one responsible for ruining the holiday here. I am the only one still grieving for my dad. Sometimes I stop and cry because something reminds me of him. My sister is focused on her family, while my mother has been constantly traveling with her new boyfriend. I don’t want to be the drag, but I can’t deal with this. Why is my guest room not acceptable? Can you help me?
—Sleeping Arrangements
My father died last year after a long illness, and my mother immediately moved on to a new beau. It was hard to see, but my sister and I acknowledge that our mother did much of her grieving before our father died. My sister is hosting Thanksgiving this year. Her in-laws are staying over, so my mother and her new boyfriend are staying with me. My guest room has twin beds. This is “unacceptable” for adults—my mother is demanding she get my room. The thought of my mother having sex with her boyfriend in my bed makes me want to vomit. I don’t want to be the one responsible for ruining the holiday here. I am the only one still grieving for my dad. Sometimes I stop and cry because something reminds me of him. My sister is focused on her family, while my mother has been constantly traveling with her new boyfriend. I don’t want to be the drag, but I can’t deal with this. Why is my guest room not acceptable? Can you help me?
—Sleeping Arrangements
Re: If she doesn't like the option, she can get a hotel. (Also maybe some grief counseling, LW.)
I'll never understand how so many people feel the need to demand shit and tell people their shit isn't good enough when these people are opening their damned homes to you. For free.
I honestly can only imagine very few scenarios where I'd give up my bed to someone. My parents used to do it for mom's BFF after her stroke when she visited, b/c parents bedroom was on 1st floor and guest room was on 2nd. THAT'S a reason, not you don't want the guest room.
i never move out out of my own room in my own home. To me, as an adult in my own house, that is a stand I get to take unapologetically.
But mom is being a straight up rude asshole with demanding to sleep in LW's bed. I remember MIL used to give up her bed to FIL's aunt and uncle and sleep either in the guest room or living room and I always found it odd. I don't think they demanded it.
No one gets to sleep in my bed. Even if I had a house-sitter or something, I'd tell them DefConn's bed has clean sheets and ensure his room was 'guest' ready.
Who in their right mind demands that a host vacate their own room to accommodate a guest??
When we were in a 1 bedroom apartment, my in laws slept on the couch and/or futon pad on the floor that they brought. My bed is a pretty personal space for me and it totally weirds me out to think of other people in it.
H and I visited a friend after her husband died. She INSISTED that we stay in her room and she stay in the guest room. I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
Mom is out of line though. A simple, "Mom if you don't like the proposed arrangements then let me get you the number of the local Hilton," is fine.
If I was to give up my room for someone there better be a damn good reason for it. And this isn't it.
Also agree with the grief counseling since LW feels they’re the “only one still grieving”. Grief is personal, who knows how the mom and sister feel? They may feel stuck in a grief rut, talking to a professional may help.
It is almost the same problem of the person who lives in a beachside resort town and her sister got pissy because it was twin beds and not a Queen in the guest room.
The only thing I would caution the LW about is to not even bring up that it "icks" her to think of her mom and the b/f, sleeping in her bed. Because then it becomes about the LW's "ick" and disapproval, which is a red herring. It's totally reasonable to just say, "No, I sleep in my own bed, in my own house." Live with it. Or bring a queen air mattress. Or get a hotel. Or, if the LW is willing, the mom can replace the twin beds with a Queen mattress...at her own cost. It would probably be even cheaper than a hotel room for a few days.
I'd also point out to Mom that part of being an adult is being able to roll with the punches when things aren't optimal. As someone who was displaced from a natural disaster and my H and I spent two months having to sleep in two different twin beds, I find her "high horse" attitude about a slight inconvenience for a few days especially petty. There are a lot of people in CA right now who would love to have twin beds, or any beds to sleep in, so she can seriously just STFU.
I don't mean to come off harsh. It's also perfectly fine for the Mom to decide that she and her b/f don't want to have even one night where they sleep in different beds. But then the proper response is, "Thanks so much for the offer, LW! But B/F and I wouldn't like sleeping apart in twin beds and will stay in a hotel instead."
"Mom as you know, you raised me not to dictate the terms of a sleeping arrangement to the hostess. My bed is not up for grabs and you and your beau are welcome to sleep in that room. If that doesn't work for you then I'll have the coffee brewed when you and Sheldon come in from the hotel."
Grief sucks and the holidays don't help. That others aren't talking about it also does not mean that they don't feel it. LW needs to either seek therapy or a different outlet so she can converse about her sadness and come up with methods to cope.
Yea - SNS - LW needs to exercise some adulthood and as PP mentioned "Recommending a hotel is not being the bad guy if the sleeping arrangements at your place are unacceptable by the guest!"... OR - Mom - if you don't like the guest room sleeping arrangements offer to purchase a bunk bed with a lower queen size mattress for daughter for Christmas or stay at the local hotel like the rest of the world would do...