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Etiquette

To Invite Or Not To Invite

dmc1013dmc1013 member
edited January 27 in Etiquette
What would you do?

I'm getting married in October and we are starting to finalize our guest list. We have stuck to immediate family, family friends, and our friends. 

I have my immediate family from my mom's, step dad's and dad's side. My step dad has generously offered to pay for our reception venue. It's more than I could ever ask for or pay back. He also gave me a maximum amount he would pay.

I asked my dad if there was anyone of his friends or anyone particular he would want to invite. I gave him a maximum of 5-10 people. He asked my stepmom and aunt and came back to me with a list of 33 people. This list includes 2nd cousins, people I haven't seen in years, or relatives I just don't talk too. My grandparents are no longer alive so he wants to sub in their siblings and their families. It would add on an additional $2500 . 

I told him there was absolutely no way I could add that amount on and then he said they were suggestions or he talks to them and to pick and choose then he would explain that those who are invited are people I keep up with. 

I don't feel right picking and choosing nor do I feel right inviting the people on his list because I'm not even inviting extended from my step dad's side. I feel like he put me in a really sticky spot. 
 
I've been advised to give him an ultimatum:
You want them there, you pay for them or
None of them get invited

Re: To Invite Or Not To Invite

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What would you do?

    I'm getting married in October and we are starting to finalize our guest list. We have stuck to immediate family, family friends, and our friends. 

    I have my immediate family from my mom's, step dad's and dad's side. My step dad has generously offered to pay for our reception venue. It's more than I could ever ask for or pay back. He also gave me a maximum amount he would pay.

    I asked my dad if there was anyone of his friends or anyone particular he would want to invite. I gave him a maximum of 5-10 people. He asked my stepmom and aunt and came back to me with a list of 33 people. This list includes 2nd cousins, people I haven't seen in years, or relatives I just don't talk too. My grandparents are no longer alive so he wants to sub in their siblings and their families. It would add on an additional $2500 . 

    I told him there was absolutely no way I could add that amount on and then he said they were suggestions or he talks to them and to pick and choose then he would explain that those who are invited are people I keep up with. 

    I don't feel right picking and choosing nor do I feel right inviting the people on his list because I'm not even inviting extended from my step dad's side. I feel like he put me in a really sticky spot. 
     
    I've been advised to give him an ultimatum:
    You want them there, you pay for them or
    None of them get invited

    Why don't you feel right picking and choosing? The hosts have the right to pick and choose the guest list. In this instance, that's either you or your step-dad. (Paying sometimes = hosting, but not always.)

    H and I made the guest list for our wedding. That included saying to MIL, "Actually, we're not going to invite FIL's cousins, but thanks for the suggestion." We made that choice. Your dad is being more reasonable about that than MIL was; he's suggesting that you are the person who should choose the people you actually want at your wedding. That's not an imposition, that's a grace.

    If you don't want to invite any of them because you don't care to see them, tell him that you don't keep up with these people. Then ask your dad if there are 5-6 people who would make his night better to have there; if he can't do that, you just won't invite any of them because you're not close with them.

    As to the bolded - if you're going to feel bad about inviting 5 people from his list since no extended family from your step-dad's side is being invited... why did you offer to let him invite anyone in the first place? I'm kind of confused by that one. Who did you expect to be on his list that would have been okay to invite?
    InLoveInQueensei34short+sassynightnerd
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Who advised you to give your dad an ultimatum?  Were you given permission by step dad (because he is paying and gave you a maximum) to extend that offer to your dad?  Why does the ultimatum now say all (at dad's expense) 
    or nothing?  
    You are making this harder than is necessary.  Take @flantastic's suggestion and select the 5-10 people from his list that you would enjoy seeing.  It does not/should not matter the relationship.  Or tell your dad that the choice is his and he needs to reduce the list.  Apologize if you were not clear when you first asked him to develop a guest list.  Finally, explain that if he does want to include them all on the guest list, that he will need to pay for those guests above and beyond the 5-10 he was originally allowed.  He should NOT have to pay for all 33 since you allowed him to invite 5-10 at what I assume was to be paid for by your step dad.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If the 33 people on your stepdad's list include 5-10 (with SOs) to whom you feel close enough to invite, then invite those people, do the math and show your stepdad that his $2,500 contribution  won't allow you to invite any more than those 5-10 of the people on the list.

    Then stop there. Don't give any ultimatums or mention your lack of closeness to these people. Since you asked your stepdad whom he wants to invite, those tactics won't go over well.



  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 28
    Another vote for pick 5-10 of the guests on his 33 person list.  I imagine you and FI have already done some narrowing down.  This is no different.

    ETA- I thought of this earlier and wanted to come back- an ultimatum to force him to pay isn’t only unnecessary, but it could also make things sticky.  If he’s suddenly contributing financially to your wedding, he may feel like gets say in more than just the guest list. (Technically he would- the giver can say “this money is to be used for ABC”, whereas the receiver doesn’t get to say “no your financial gift can only be used for XYZ”.)  Sometimes you dont want too many cooks in the kitchen, and if you make your father help pay, he’s technically a co-host.
    InLoveInQueens
  • Civilized functions don't need ultimatums. Go back to your dad and tell him to pick the 5-10 people that are in your stepdad's budget. Period.
    downtondivaInLoveInQueens
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I too am confused about why you even asked your dad who he wanted to invite and then said you didn't feel right about extending invites to them because you aren't inviting anyone from your step-dad's extended family.  

    I read that you told your dad to pick 5-10 people and he came back with a list of 33 after talking to step-mom and aunt.  Remind him you have room for 5-10 people and ask him to pare down his list and give you those names.  Don't give him an ultimatum.  Whoever gave you that advice was wrong.  

    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensdowntondiva
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Why would you give your dad and ultimatum? He is okay with you cutting his list. Whoever helped him with his list, made a wish list. Invite the people that you keep in touch with and be done with it. Or, if you want to be impartial, pick your dad's siblings and their spouses. 
                       
  • The ultimatum idea from whomever suggested it to you is being rather childish as an approach and rude AF.  My thought is your DAD made the list with the input of those individuals (Aunt and SM) with the thought that only 10 would show as opposed to all 33 will show up (how a lot of people write their guest lists though a bad idea).  $2500 for 23 extra seems like you've booked a venue that was more expensive than you can afford (as a rule of thumb on here we always tell Brides "never rely on gift money unless it's in your bank account!  Plan the event you can afford if the proverbial stuff hit the fan with their finances"). 

    That said, go through the list that your DAD told you to "pick and choose" from and start in circles which fit your current parameters of the rest of the guest list.  Then, you have an ADULT conversation, with ZERO expectations, but an adult discussion about how you came to those lines with your Dad about the potential add-ons and the cost of those 23 guests if they all attend.  You never know, he may offer to cover those extra guests attending or he will be in the loop communication wise at the very minimum when he talks with SM and Aunt (which he communicates with frequently if he's asking their input on this).  

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    MairePoppy
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