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If you can't make her see it, you're going to have to drop it...or her.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I was dating a transgender guy for a while (I’m a trans guy too), until we broke up, and now she has gone back to using female pronouns and her birth name in order to be accepted by her evangelical family. Before that, they’d been estranged for a year and a half. I respect her choice and use those pronouns for her, but I have a problem with her returning to a group of people who threw her out when she needed them the most, just for being trans. Whenever she used to tell stories of how they treated her (sometimes as if they were funny anecdotes), it sounded controlling and abusive, but she got upset with me for saying so. I don’t feel like I can be honest with her, and I’m beginning to regret being her friend. Her behavior seems really self-destructive, even though she tries to put a positive spin on it. She’s an evangelical, and I’m an atheist, and she claims that it’s just our different worldviews, but I seriously doubt that. Am I nuts? What should I do?

—Regretting Friendship With Ex

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Re: If you can't make her see it, you're going to have to drop it...or her.

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    climbingwife said:
    It's an ex. You don't have to be friends. Move on. 
    This. Ex friendships can totally work but only if the conditions are right. The conditions are pretty stormy here, so find new friends. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    charlotte989875 said:
    Sometimes ex’s are ex’s for a reason. 

    She had clearly made choices you dont agree with, and that’s fine you don’t have to agree with them. She knows her family and her situation and has made her choice. You need to respect that. And if you can’t then maybe a close friendship isn’t the right thing right now. 

    Id be worried about a friend going back to an abusive  family, but you can’t force them to do things how you want. Support them from a distance and be there if they need you, but I’d drop the topic from here on out. 
    I really concur with this.  I also think the LW needs to start distancing himself from her, since he is starting to regret their friendship.

    However, if he is up to it, it would be great for him to stay at least casual friends and keep a lifeline open, if she needs it.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    VarunaTT said:
    I get why he wants to stay in her life, probably because he fears for her.  But that's not his job.  It is okay for him to step back from their friendship for his own health, but leave a door open if she ever needs him.
    Yep.  And I understand in this situation that LW is clinging to holding on to this relationship because LW and their ex share something that not many other people do...or at least they did, since their ex's identity has gotten very murky.   However, LW needs to realize that trying to change their ex's mind may be to LW's detriment. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2019
    You can't control another adult's decisions, no matter how much you may hate the choices they're making. I understand why LW has a problem with all this, but the ex has her reasons for going back to her family, and he has to respect her decision and quit arguing with her on it unless he wants to completely end the relationship.

    That being said, you can remain friendly and on good terms with someone without being really close friends. If being too close of friends with his ex is this stressful, it's okay to create some distance while remaining friendly enough that the ex can come to him if things go badly with her evangelical family/community again. 


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