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Yeah, I would never trust Tom again.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My husband, “Tom,” threw me out of the house after the results of a paternity test said he wasn’t the biological father of our newborn child. Tom is the only man I’ve slept with in almost 16 years; I knew the test results were wrong. I was really hurt when he asked for one, since I’ve never been unfaithful. Tom had an emotional affair around the time our child was conceived, though, and because we weren’t having sex that often, he doubted he was the father. I thought a paternity test would put his fears to rest. Before throwing our baby and me out, Tom raged at us. The things he said to me will haunt me for the rest of my life, and when I comforted our sobbing baby, he became truly unhinged. I convinced Tom to get several more paternity tests, and they all confirmed he’s the biological father. Tom is repentant and wants me to move back home. I want a divorce. Tom is upset I can’t see things from his point of view: He made a horrible mistake, but at the time he had “every reason” to believe I’d cheated on him. I’m exhausted and heartbroken. I will do all I can to ensure Tom and our baby have a relationship. But I don’t want to be his wife. Am I making a mistake?

—Bogus Paternity Test

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Re: Yeah, I would never trust Tom again.

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Find somewhere safe to stay with your baby and give yourself time to heal. Talk to a lawyer and a therapist and get some advice about what your options are. 

    But yeah I wouldn’t want to be Tom’s wife anymore either. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Asking her for a paternity test in the first place was a major dick move.

    But when it mistakenly came back that he wasn't the father, I could certainly understand why he was upset and assumed she had cheated on him.  With that said, it sounds like he was very cruel about it.  Perhaps even afraid of him, though she more implies that than says it.  Which is more Tom being a sh**ty person, especially considering he'd had an emotional affair around that same time.

    It is really sad that the end to this marriage started with an inaccurate paternity test.  But the LW seems pretty unequivocal that she no longer wants to be his wife.  So that's the answer and she isn't making a mistake.  She could counter to Tom that, while he may have felt he had "every reason" to believe she'd cheated on him, it was his terrifying behavior that was unforgivable and is a bell that cannot be unrung now.

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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Dear Tom. Fuck you. Fuck your dog. Fuck your mother. Fuck the horse you ride in on. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck.You. 

    There. Is no forgiveness. There is nothing he can do to make amends. He broke this beyond repairing. She's right to DTMFA.


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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    I agree with @short&sassy that he had a right to be pissed by the result of the paternity test.  

    BUT, asking for the test was a dick move, and the way he handled the result was a dick move that would push me beyond reconciliation.  Add in the fact that he had an affair - hell to the no. 

    Get out.

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  • ei34ei34 member
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    I don’t blame LW, I’d want a divorce too.  My only caveat would be maybe supervised visitation for Tom and the baby, at least in the beginning.  Not sure how I’d feel about a child too young to talk having one on one time with someone who threw out a new mother and infan, raged, became unhinged...there’s “my H got angry and yelled” but this is “he said things that will haunt me for the rest of my life”.  
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    Totally beside the point, but DH's name is Tom and all this "Fuck Tom!" stuff is cracking me up. 

    Also, I've never done a deep dive...but I wonder what the margin of error is on paternity tests?  I mean, my only real reference is Maury (boy, did LW and her H have quite the Maury moment).  But like with pregnancy tests, there's very little room for a false positive pregnancy test, but false negatives or inconclusive results are definitely a possibility. 
    I was curious about the same thing.

    It also reminded me of workplace drug tests.  Most places I've worked have them and for every single place that did, it was standard procedure that a second drug test was administered if an employee popped on the first one.  The second one had to come back positive before any repercussions were even mentioned.

    In a perfect world, that is how this should have played out.  Tom should have been upset and highly suspicious but, when his wife continued to swear that there was no one else, he should have reserved judgement and agreed to a second test before flying into a rage and throwing the cheating card at her.  (He shouldn't have flown into a rage anyway).
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    If she still had feelings for him, I'd say maybe therapy and living apart while they take things slow, but she seems done.  Tom doesn't seem worth it - an emotional affair and then accusing her of cheating?  Pot calling the kettle black ... He would have a lot of work to do to prove that he could be a decent spouse again, and even then the trust would probably never be there because of his reaction.
    As to the things being said that would haunt LW forever ... I've had things said to me that haunt me, but they weren't necessary the most horrible things anyone could ever say - they more hit a particular nerve and that's why they bother me.  I have no idea if that was the case with this LW as well, so I don't know if I would find Tom absolutely inexcusible for saying things in anger.  The emotional affair and then throwing his wife and newborn child out though ... yeah, that I find inexcusible.  

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:
    Totally beside the point, but DH's name is Tom and all this "Fuck Tom!" stuff is cracking me up. 

    Also, I've never done a deep dive...but I wonder what the margin of error is on paternity tests?  I mean, my only real reference is Maury (boy, did LW and her H have quite the Maury moment).  But like with pregnancy tests, there's very little room for a false positive pregnancy test, but false negatives or inconclusive results are definitely a possibility. 
    To the bolded: Ditto!
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    OliveOilsMom said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Totally beside the point, but DH's name is Tom and all this "Fuck Tom!" stuff is cracking me up. 

    Also, I've never done a deep dive...but I wonder what the margin of error is on paternity tests?  I mean, my only real reference is Maury (boy, did LW and her H have quite the Maury moment).  But like with pregnancy tests, there's very little room for a false positive pregnancy test, but false negatives or inconclusive results are definitely a possibility. 
    To the bolded: Ditto!
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    Well, that's why I'm have some issues believing the LW.  I checked that before anything and paternity test are 90-99% accurate.  It's all so convoluted that it also doesn't really pass a sniff test for me.

    So, the thing to look at is the emotional issues and yeah, that's pretty obviously a done deal.  


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  • kvrunskvruns member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This all seems so strange, I've never heard of a false paternity test although I suppose there is always a possibility. The issue for me would be the fact that he had the affair/emotional affair and then accused LW resulting in the need for a paternity test. Assuming LW truly has nothing to hide, that would make me lose a lot of faith in my partner. Then add in his reaction, nope nope nope. As difficult as it may feel to leave with a newborn/small infant, do it now, in the long run it will be best as she won't have to be wondering when the next blow up will occur. My hunch is this isn't the first time something like this has happened
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