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Wedding Woes

People really, really don't want your life story in casual conversation.

Dear Prudence,

My middle-aged husband is unable to hold a full-time job because of depression problems related to traumatic childhood abuse. He is making progress in treatment. The good news is that I earn enough to support us both, and he is great at being a house husband. He walks dogs, runs errands, washes laundry and dishes, does repairs, and even brings me my morning coffee in bed. My problem is that when people ask that classic line, “What does he do for a living?” every reply leads down Awkward Street. We don’t have kids, so the expectation is that he should be out of the house. He’s not retired and not physically disabled, and I don’t want to embarrass him by blowing the whistle on his mental health. My remaining honest replies are, “None of your business” (harsh), “He’s my assistant” (“Like at an office or something?”), “Unemployed” (“What field? I’ve got leads!”), and “Taking a break” (“Oh, so you’re spoiling him!”). You’re good at scripts, so what’s my line?

—Explaining My Husband’s Depression-Related Unemployment

Re: People really, really don't want your life story in casual conversation.

  • People are making small talk, not asking for the details. 


    Right? People really assign a lot of depth to what people want to know about them.  No, they're just trying to not stand there awkwardly staring at you and saying nothing. 
  • Yeah, no one really cares to hear his background. It's a polite question. Just say he stays home. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    People are making small talk, not asking for the details. 


    Right? People really assign a lot of depth to what people want to know about them.  No, they're just trying to not stand there awkwardly staring at you and saying nothing. 


    THIS.  Why do people have such a hard time understanding this?  It seems very arrogant.

    It also makes me think that she maybe isn't really that ok with the situation as described.  If she's that worried about a simple question like "what does he do for a living" and feels unable to answer simply and honestly, it makes me feel like she's embarrassed, which sucks. 

  • Casadena said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    People are making small talk, not asking for the details. 


    Right? People really assign a lot of depth to what people want to know about them.  No, they're just trying to not stand there awkwardly staring at you and saying nothing. 


    THIS.  Why do people have such a hard time understanding this?  It seems very arrogant.

    It also makes me think that she maybe isn't really that ok with the situation as described.  If she's that worried about a simple question like "what does he do for a living" and feels unable to answer simply and honestly, it makes me feel like she's embarrassed, which sucks. 

    See, I read the letter as though LW doesn't know how to answer without people responding in an annoying way. 

    I get this kind of thing A LOT. Especially lately with our cross-country move and my tattoo removal. And I've always gotten it with the fact that I don't want children. More often than not, people respond by telling me that my own opinions are wrong and they seem to know more about my wants/life than I do. It's obnoxious. I have people telling me that I will change my mind because EVERYONE!!! wants kids. I have people who don't know one thing about tattoo removal telling me I'm getting ripped off. I have people who barely know me telling me that our move will fail and we're dumb for trying. Shit like that. 

    I'd be willing to bet that a lot of people don't respond as well as we'd like to think they do when LW simply says that he stays at home. It's condescending and sexist, but I'm sure it happens. Regularly. 
    I agree with this. When I was practicing law, DH was working as a bank teller. When people would ask what he did, they would always make comments about how I must be the breadwinner, sugar-mama, or worse. It's so sexist, but it's real.

    I would say LW needs a snappy comeback for rude responses rather than to reframe what she says. "Oh, so you're spoiling him." "With all he does, I'm the one who's spoiled."
  • Casadena said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    People are making small talk, not asking for the details. 


    Right? People really assign a lot of depth to what people want to know about them.  No, they're just trying to not stand there awkwardly staring at you and saying nothing. 


    THIS.  Why do people have such a hard time understanding this?  It seems very arrogant.

    It also makes me think that she maybe isn't really that ok with the situation as described.  If she's that worried about a simple question like "what does he do for a living" and feels unable to answer simply and honestly, it makes me feel like she's embarrassed, which sucks. 

    See, I read the letter as though LW doesn't know how to answer without people responding in an annoying way. 

    I get this kind of thing A LOT. Especially lately with our cross-country move and my tattoo removal. And I've always gotten it with the fact that I don't want children. More often than not, people respond by telling me that my own opinions are wrong and they seem to know more about my wants/life than I do. It's obnoxious. I have people telling me that I will change my mind because EVERYONE!!! wants kids. I have people who don't know one thing about tattoo removal telling me I'm getting ripped off. I have people who barely know me telling me that our move will fail and we're dumb for trying. Shit like that. 

    I'd be willing to bet that a lot of people don't respond as well as we'd like to think they do when LW simply says that he stays at home. It's condescending and sexist, but I'm sure it happens. Regularly. 

    I'm sure that they don't!  It definitely sucks, but if she's comfortable with arrangement and so is he, I don't really understand why other peoples responses are weighing on her THIS much. 

    We get this all the time about kids (we've been married 5 years and ppl think it's weird we don't have them), and we got a lot of questions/shocked responses when we got married then lived apart for ~2 years while I was in school. 

    I understand how it's slightly annoying, but more in a roll my eyes when I walk away bc they have no idea what they're talking about way.  Not a weighing on my soul, how should I respond better sort of way.   I can't control their responses but I can control my reaction.

    I guess it seems to me that she's worrying far to much about what people think of their situation, which makes me think she's not totally ok with it.

  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I’d probably go with “oh, he works from home, every day is something different for him”.  Unless LW has some crazy nosy people in her life, there can’t be that many of them asking for a follow up with precise details.  I have coworkers who I’ve known for years say “how are the kids?” in passing in the faculty room.  They don’t know how many I have or boy/girl breakdown, it’s just chit chat, a variation of “how are you/what’s up”.  So unless LW is surrounded by incredibly curious people, I agree with PP that maybe she’s not 100% okay with their situation, if the inquiring bugs her enough to ask Prudie.
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2019
    Casadena said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    People are making small talk, not asking for the details. 


    Right? People really assign a lot of depth to what people want to know about them.  No, they're just trying to not stand there awkwardly staring at you and saying nothing. 


    THIS.  Why do people have such a hard time understanding this?  It seems very arrogant.

    It also makes me think that she maybe isn't really that ok with the situation as described.  If she's that worried about a simple question like "what does he do for a living" and feels unable to answer simply and honestly, it makes me feel like she's embarrassed, which sucks. 

    See, I read the letter as though LW doesn't know how to answer without people responding in an annoying way. 

    I get this kind of thing A LOT. Especially lately with our cross-country move and my tattoo removal. And I've always gotten it with the fact that I don't want children. More often than not, people respond by telling me that my own opinions are wrong and they seem to know more about my wants/life than I do. It's obnoxious. I have people telling me that I will change my mind because EVERYONE!!! wants kids. I have people who don't know one thing about tattoo removal telling me I'm getting ripped off. I have people who barely know me telling me that our move will fail and we're dumb for trying. Shit like that. 

    I'd be willing to bet that a lot of people don't respond as well as we'd like to think they do when LW simply says that he stays at home. It's condescending and sexist, but I'm sure it happens. Regularly. 
    I agree with this. When I was practicing law, DH was working as a bank teller. When people would ask what he did, they would always make comments about how I must be the breadwinner, sugar-mama, or worse. It's so sexist, but it's real.

    I would say LW needs a snappy comeback for rude responses rather than to reframe what she says. "Oh, so you're spoiling him." "With all he does, I'm the one who's spoiled."
    This is exactly the response that popped into my head, lol.

    So sorry to hear about the experiences you had in your own life.  Not only is that incredibly obnoxious in its sexism.  But it's also acting like working a lower paying job is "easy" and NBD.

    With that said, I don't think the automatic assumption should be that people are going to side-eye that her H doesn't have a W-2 type job.  Definitely shut them down if they do.  And sadly, there are a lot of people like that out there.  But it isn't everyone.

    In fact, in the examples of the responses she gets, only the last one is inappropriate.  The first one is her just being rude and combative over a normal chit-chat question.  The middle two are confusing because HER response wasn't true to begin with.  The word "assistant", at least to me, implies someone who is helping her with her business or works at the same company she does.  And "unemployed" implies someone who is looking for work, but is not working.  So, yeah, people are trying to be helpful by asking about his field and what kind of work he is looking for.
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  • Casadena said:
    Casadena said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    People are making small talk, not asking for the details. 


    Right? People really assign a lot of depth to what people want to know about them.  No, they're just trying to not stand there awkwardly staring at you and saying nothing. 


    THIS.  Why do people have such a hard time understanding this?  It seems very arrogant.

    It also makes me think that she maybe isn't really that ok with the situation as described.  If she's that worried about a simple question like "what does he do for a living" and feels unable to answer simply and honestly, it makes me feel like she's embarrassed, which sucks. 

    See, I read the letter as though LW doesn't know how to answer without people responding in an annoying way. 

    I get this kind of thing A LOT. Especially lately with our cross-country move and my tattoo removal. And I've always gotten it with the fact that I don't want children. More often than not, people respond by telling me that my own opinions are wrong and they seem to know more about my wants/life than I do. It's obnoxious. I have people telling me that I will change my mind because EVERYONE!!! wants kids. I have people who don't know one thing about tattoo removal telling me I'm getting ripped off. I have people who barely know me telling me that our move will fail and we're dumb for trying. Shit like that. 

    I'd be willing to bet that a lot of people don't respond as well as we'd like to think they do when LW simply says that he stays at home. It's condescending and sexist, but I'm sure it happens. Regularly. 

    I'm sure that they don't!  It definitely sucks, but if she's comfortable with arrangement and so is he, I don't really understand why other peoples responses are weighing on her THIS much. 

    We get this all the time about kids (we've been married 5 years and ppl think it's weird we don't have them), and we got a lot of questions/shocked responses when we got married then lived apart for ~2 years while I was in school. 

    I understand how it's slightly annoying, but more in a roll my eyes when I walk away bc they have no idea what they're talking about way.  Not a weighing on my soul, how should I respond better sort of way.   I can't control their responses but I can control my reaction.

    I guess it seems to me that she's worrying far to much about what people think of their situation, which makes me think she's not totally ok with it.

    You're absolutely right, especially with the bolded. I do let myself get more annoyed than I should and sounds like LW does too. 

    Which is sort of how I learned to adapt my response. Rather than "We don't want kids", I say "we're not having kids". That leaves less of a door open for people. Thankfully H's vasectomy is tomorrow (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so now I can shut people down even more, LOL.

    And I think my suggested response of something like, "Oh I am so lucky to not have to worry about the dogs or housework!" isn't rude or defensive right off the bat, but might still stop someone before they say something shitty about how a man should work. 
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  • Casadena said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    People are making small talk, not asking for the details. 


    Right? People really assign a lot of depth to what people want to know about them.  No, they're just trying to not stand there awkwardly staring at you and saying nothing. 


    THIS.  Why do people have such a hard time understanding this?  It seems very arrogant.

    It also makes me think that she maybe isn't really that ok with the situation as described.  If she's that worried about a simple question like "what does he do for a living" and feels unable to answer simply and honestly, it makes me feel like she's embarrassed, which sucks. 

    See, I read the letter as though LW doesn't know how to answer without people responding in an annoying way. 

    I get this kind of thing A LOT. Especially lately with our cross-country move and my tattoo removal. And I've always gotten it with the fact that I don't want children. More often than not, people respond by telling me that my own opinions are wrong and they seem to know more about my wants/life than I do. It's obnoxious. I have people telling me that I will change my mind because EVERYONE!!! wants kids. I have people who don't know one thing about tattoo removal telling me I'm getting ripped off. I have people who barely know me telling me that our move will fail and we're dumb for trying. Shit like that. 

    I'd be willing to bet that a lot of people don't respond as well as we'd like to think they do when LW simply says that he stays at home. It's condescending and sexist, but I'm sure it happens. Regularly. 
    I agree with this. When I was practicing law, DH was working as a bank teller. When people would ask what he did, so many would make comments about how I must be the breadwinner, sugar-mama, or worse. It's so sexist, but it's real.

    I would say LW needs a snappy comeback for rude responses rather than to reframe what she says. "Oh, so you're spoiling him." "With all he does, I'm the one who's spoiled."
  • Casadena said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    People are making small talk, not asking for the details. 


    Right? People really assign a lot of depth to what people want to know about them.  No, they're just trying to not stand there awkwardly staring at you and saying nothing. 


    THIS.  Why do people have such a hard time understanding this?  It seems very arrogant.

    It also makes me think that she maybe isn't really that ok with the situation as described.  If she's that worried about a simple question like "what does he do for a living" and feels unable to answer simply and honestly, it makes me feel like she's embarrassed, which sucks. 

    See, I read the letter as though LW doesn't know how to answer without people responding in an annoying way. 

    I get this kind of thing A LOT. Especially lately with our cross-country move and my tattoo removal. And I've always gotten it with the fact that I don't want children. More often than not, people respond by telling me that my own opinions are wrong and they seem to know more about my wants/life than I do. It's obnoxious. I have people telling me that I will change my mind because EVERYONE!!! wants kids. I have people who don't know one thing about tattoo removal telling me I'm getting ripped off. I have people who barely know me telling me that our move will fail and we're dumb for trying. Shit like that. 

    I'd be willing to bet that a lot of people don't respond as well as we'd like to think they do when LW simply says that he stays at home. It's condescending and sexist, but I'm sure it happens. Regularly. 

    I'm sure that they don't!  It definitely sucks, but if she's comfortable with arrangement and so is he, I don't really understand why other peoples responses are weighing on her THIS much. 

    We get this all the time about kids (we've been married 5 years and ppl think it's weird we don't have them), and we got a lot of questions/shocked responses when we got married then lived apart for ~2 years while I was in school. 

    I understand how it's slightly annoying, but more in a roll my eyes when I walk away bc they have no idea what they're talking about way.  Not a weighing on my soul, how should I respond better sort of way.   I can't control their responses but I can control my reaction. 

    It just seems to me from her tone that because she's so worried about how to tell people or answer that simple question that really she's not ok with it. 

  • Casadena said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    People are making small talk, not asking for the details. 


    Right? People really assign a lot of depth to what people want to know about them.  No, they're just trying to not stand there awkwardly staring at you and saying nothing. 


    THIS.  Why do people have such a hard time understanding this?  It seems very arrogant.

    It also makes me think that she maybe isn't really that ok with the situation as described.  If she's that worried about a simple question like "what does he do for a living" and feels unable to answer simply and honestly, it makes me feel like she's embarrassed, which sucks. 

    See, I read the letter as though LW doesn't know how to answer without people responding in an annoying way. 

    I get this kind of thing A LOT. Especially lately with our cross-country move and my tattoo removal. And I've always gotten it with the fact that I don't want children. More often than not, people respond by telling me that my own opinions are wrong and they seem to know more about my wants/life than I do. It's obnoxious. I have people telling me that I will change my mind because EVERYONE!!! wants kids. I have people who don't know one thing about tattoo removal telling me I'm getting ripped off. I have people who barely know me telling me that our move will fail and we're dumb for trying. Shit like that. 

    I'd be willing to bet that a lot of people don't respond as well as we'd like to think they do when LW simply says that he stays at home. It's condescending and sexist, but I'm sure it happens. Regularly. 
    I agree with this. When I was practicing law, DH was working as a bank teller. When people would ask what he did, so many would make comments about how I must be the breadwinner, sugar-mama, or worse. It's so sexist, but it's real.

    I would say LW needs a snappy comeback for rude responses rather than to reframe what she says. "Oh, so you're spoiling him." "With all he does, I'm the one who's spoiled."
  • Casadena said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    People are making small talk, not asking for the details. 


    Right? People really assign a lot of depth to what people want to know about them.  No, they're just trying to not stand there awkwardly staring at you and saying nothing. 


    THIS.  Why do people have such a hard time understanding this?  It seems very arrogant.

    It also makes me think that she maybe isn't really that ok with the situation as described.  If she's that worried about a simple question like "what does he do for a living" and feels unable to answer simply and honestly, it makes me feel like she's embarrassed, which sucks. 

    See, I read the letter as though LW doesn't know how to answer without people responding in an annoying way. 

    I get this kind of thing A LOT. Especially lately with our cross-country move and my tattoo removal. And I've always gotten it with the fact that I don't want children. More often than not, people respond by telling me that my own opinions are wrong and they seem to know more about my wants/life than I do. It's obnoxious. I have people telling me that I will change my mind because EVERYONE!!! wants kids. I have people who don't know one thing about tattoo removal telling me I'm getting ripped off. I have people who barely know me telling me that our move will fail and we're dumb for trying. Shit like that. 

    I'd be willing to bet that a lot of people don't respond as well as we'd like to think they do when LW simply says that he stays at home. It's condescending and sexist, but I'm sure it happens. Regularly. 

    I'm sure that they don't!  It definitely sucks, but if she's comfortable with arrangement and so is he, I don't really understand why other peoples responses are weighing on her THIS much. 

    We get this all the time about kids (we've been married 5 years and ppl think it's weird we don't have them), and we got a lot of questions/shocked responses when we got married then lived apart for ~2 years while I was in school. 

    I understand how it's slightly annoying, but more in a roll my eyes when I walk away bc they have no idea what they're talking about way.  Not a weighing on my soul, how should I respond better sort of way.   I can't control their responses but I can control my reaction. 

    It just seems to me from her tone that because she's so worried about how to tell people or answer that simple question that really she's not ok with it. 

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