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You said it, you're an enabler. Only you can change that.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,
After my divorce, I began dating a friend of a friend who happened to be down on his luck—divorce, bankruptcy, unemployment. I let him move in because he was otherwise homeless. When he contributed minimally to expenses, I understood his circumstances. We agreed numerous times that he would contribute more as he got back on his feet. We’ve been together for 10 years now, and he still contributes less than one-third of expenses. I make probably a third more than he does, but his dodging makes me feel used and exploited. His monthly rent is equal to what my 23-year-old niece pays with three roommates! How do I get him to understand that he has an obligation to earn his own livelihood?
—Frustrated Enabler
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Re: You said it, you're an enabler. Only you can change that.

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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Lol you don’t. You’ve taught him he doesn’t need to pay bills. Break up and good luck getting him out of your home. 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You’ve lived with this situation for 10 years, which IMO is about 9.5 years too long. If he hasn’t realized he needs to pay for his obligations in that time, it’s unlilely he’s going to wake up and suddenly be completely prepared to split the costs. 

    So, time to decide if it’s worth it or not. 
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    ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    Lol you don’t. You’ve taught him he doesn’t need to pay bills. Break up and good luck getting him out of your home. 
    Ditto, especially if you’re in a state with common law marriage.  
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    You START by understanding that this guy wasn't "down on his luck" when you started dating him.   I'm no detective but my theory is that he was in that position a decade ago based on a pattern of behavior and poor choices.   He's now in a new position where he gets to eat his cake and have it too.  Why should he change?  

    LW, YOU need to be the one to change.    
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2019
    I'm really curious if they are still a romantic couple or if he has just been her roommate for most of this 10 years.  The term "been together" implies it is a romance.  But still, it would also work for a roommate situation.

    If they are a romantic couple, then I worry she may have mainly stayed with this guy because she feels "stuck" with him anyway.

    Either way, she needs a firm CTJ talk with this guy that includes an ultimatum.  That she's very resentful she pays the majority of the bills and is no longer tolerating the situation.  If he doesn't want to leave, then they should go over his budget and decide a mutually agreeable amount for their living situation.  Or the FIRM date he will move out.  And to be mentally prepared to serve him with a Notice to Vacate, if she's not seeing progress or the firm date passes and he is still there.

    Edited to add: that last paragraph will probably ruin the romance, if it is one, but the only other choice is to accept what it is if he won't change.  
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I hate when TK doesn't work and I can't Love people's posts, so many spot on posts in this one!

    I can't believe LW put up with this for 10 YEARS!  I had to make sure I read the timeframe correctly!

    LW knows they are an enabler.  What does writing into Prudie help with?  Is this one of those letters where LW just needs to hear the words "Kick him out" from an internet stranger to do what's needed to be done 9.5 years ago?

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    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    OliveOilsMom said:

    I hate when TK doesn't work and I can't Love people's posts, so many spot on posts in this one!

    I can't believe LW put up with this for 10 YEARS!  I had to make sure I read the timeframe correctly!

    LW knows they are an enabler.  What does writing into Prudie help with?  Is this one of those letters where LW just needs to hear the words "Kick him out" from an internet stranger to do what's needed to be done 9.5 years ago?

    I looked for you in the secret squirrel spam queue that people sometimes get randomly locked in but nothing! I have no idea how/why the love its aren't working for you! :( 

    I did rescue MrsMack from there, though. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ShesSoCold said:
    OliveOilsMom said:

    I hate when TK doesn't work and I can't Love people's posts, so many spot on posts in this one!

    I can't believe LW put up with this for 10 YEARS!  I had to make sure I read the timeframe correctly!

    LW knows they are an enabler.  What does writing into Prudie help with?  Is this one of those letters where LW just needs to hear the words "Kick him out" from an internet stranger to do what's needed to be done 9.5 years ago?

    I looked for you in the secret squirrel spam queue that people sometimes get randomly locked in but nothing! I have no idea how/why the love its aren't working for you! :( 

    I did rescue MrsMack from there, though. 


    Thanks for looking!  But I think it has more to do with my web browser being out of date.  My error message says something about Java, I think. 

    I will have to come back while I'm at home and see if I can "Love" things from there!

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    kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I bet she has a CTJ talk with him, and he proposes to her a few days later.  Wouldn't he love to combine finances so it isn't "his" and "her" money but "our" money ... 

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    downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2019
    mrsconn23 said:
    Dear Prudence,
    After my divorce, I began dating a friend of a friend who happened to be down on his luck—divorce, bankruptcy, unemployment. I let him move in because he was otherwise homeless. When he contributed minimally to expenses, I understood his circumstances. We agreed numerous times that he would contribute more as he got back on his feet. We’ve been together for 10 years now, and he still contributes less than one-third of expenses. I make probably a third more than he does, but his dodging makes me feel used and exploited. His monthly rent is equal to what my 23-year-old niece pays with three roommates! How do I get him to understand that he has an obligation to earn his own livelihood?
    —Frustrated Enabler
    You break up with him and make him find someplace else to live. He will NEVER accept anything other than the status quo in this relationship now, not after 10 years of being allowed to mooch.
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