Dear Prudence,My dad is very sick with lung cancer, has a compromised immune system because of chemo, and has terrible gout in his hand. He was recently diagnosed with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and is often exhausted. My mom has her own medical issues and, by awful coincidence, is having a terrible episode of knee pain that has reduced her mobility. My main worry is that my mom often says things like “Dad will be all right; he’s going to get through this.” My dad has occasionally talked about death and has started preparing me to take over his personal business (paying the bills, taking care of their estate and property, helping my mom out, etc.) if things take a turn. He also will comment to our mom a bit about death, to which my mom has replied, “I don’t want to hear that,” or “He’s going to be fine. I don’t want to hear him talk like that.” Both my dad and I are worried about what seems obvious: He’s very sick with cancer, may die from it, and is preparing himself mentally and emotionally for that possibility. Is it wrong of me to gently encourage my mom to develop a different coping mechanism to help my dad talk or think it through? Should I simply respect that she will have her own process, which may include a long period of denial (maybe never accepting death until it actually happens)?
—Mom in Denial