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my bridal party is turning into an episode of Jerry Springer

knottiece143b4d5a7c4881knottiece143b4d5a7c4881 member
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edited March 2019 in Wedding Party
My FI has had the same best friends since he has been in elementary school and all of them are in the wedding and have been super close for years. The one groomsmen "Steve" (names have been changed since...well you never know! lol) dated one of our bridesmaids "Kim" since middle school and have two children together. They recently (2 months ago) went through a bad break up and are currently fighting over custody of their 2 children. Safe to say wedding planning has become more challenging as "Steve has not been cooperative with her still being in the wedding (we don't want to throw anyone out of the wedding because we don't want friendships to end and my FI really wants all of his friends to be a part of our big day). He approached me and even got nasty saying "she is not to be in the wedding" and has been harassing my bridesmaid over participating in and attending wedding party activities that we planned on having in hopes of helping everyone get to know each other better(which are all now up in the air). We had asked Steve if getting along with her would be an issue and he reassures us that it won't be but he has been telling the other groomsmen that he does not want to be in the wedding or wants to deal with his ex and is just upset that we did not kick her out of the wedding. Since this has started he has been picking fights with other members of the wedding party to the point that nobody wants to be around him because he makes everyone uncomfortable (he made inappropriate comments about my best friend and wanting to sleep with her, and just has been full blown rude to everyone). Thus far "Kim" has been supportive and not responding to his combative behaviors and continues to be supportive of me and my FI. We legit do not know the right or wrong way to handle this situation as we don't want to lose friends over this and want to be supportive of my FI's good friend going through a hard time, but it is causing both of us a great deal of stress. And i have been doing everything in my power to not get mad and lose patience but I am getting close to my breaking point lol.  Has anyone else dealt with similar issues? I feel like a fresh pair of eyes on this matter would help us out greatly! 
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Re: my bridal party is turning into an episode of Jerry Springer

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    knottiece143b4d5a7c4881knottiece143b4d5a7c4881 member
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    Our wedding is in October so we still have time! That is what we were thinking too! They have court for a custody decision in August so we are hoping that things will at least start to clear up by then! 
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    knottiece143b4d5a7c4881knottiece143b4d5a7c4881 member
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    Oh yeah! we really don't want to kick anyone out, to be honest I really like both of them (The guys play cards every weekend so we see them more any anyone else). Yep!  We have been trying to just stay out of things and be completely neutural (Steve's ex is also in my FI's friends group and have been friends with them since they were little too). There kids are great and they are really good parents he's has just been trying to split the group and cause unnecessary problems latley
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    You or your FI should stop Steve in his tracks (or your friend) if he starts badmouthing your BM or says something inappropriate.  Something like, "Steve, I know things are hard right now between you and BM.  But she's our friend also.  We're not picking sides and won't tolerate the rude/mean/negative things you say about her (or anyone else)."  Keep rinsing and repeating that and end the conversation, when he gets out of line.

    I think a CTJ talk between Steve and your FI might be helpful also.  Sympathetic/kind/worried...but also pointing out how much his behavior has changed and it is pushing people away.  It will probably just make him angrier.  Initially.  But hopefully that is the kernel of truth that will help him see the light when he calms down and starts seeing things more reasonably. 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I do have a similar story, though not as intense and serious.

    I was in a fairly new relationship and my then-b/f (David) was a groomsmen in a wedding where his ex-g/f was in the bridal party.  They had gone out for two years and he had recently broken up with her.  She was especially livid that we started dating within only about 2 months of them breaking up.

    She demanded to her friend (the bride) that they tell David he couldn't bring me to the wedding.  To give the bride credit, even though she had only met me once at that point, she told the ex to "go pound sand".

    The first time I met the ex was at the co-ed bridal shower.  We had to arrive about 30 minutes late, due to a class David was taking.  So the party was in full swing and there were about 25 people in the living room when we arrived.  OMG, it was like something out of a movie (eek!).  In a milli-second, all conversation suddenly stopped and you could hear a pin drop, while everyone stared at us.  The bride broke the silence by popping up to warmly greet us (the groom was outside).  That was an awkward day, but the entrance was the worst part.  David and his ex mostly just avoided each other.  So no yelling/fighting at least!

    At the wedding, they also behaved themselves.  Other than the ex making a few snarky comments to me, but I didn't let her get a rise out of me.  I still remember one of them, lol.  During cocktail hour, I was milling around with a small plate of fruits and veggies.  Including a handful of black olives.  She came up to me and said something like, "You should be careful with those olives.  They are high in fat and calories and you really can't afford that."  I practically had to bite my lip to keep from lmao.  I managed a "bless your heart" smile and replied, "It IS terrible olives have so many calories.  But they are delicious and full of antioxidants." 

    I don't know if olives actually are full of antioxidants, but it sounded good at the time, lol.  Oh goodness.  That incident happened many years ago and it still cracks me up!
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    maine7mobmaine7mob member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You have some time, but keep an eye on this situation. As the date gets closer, ask yourself who is acting like a civilized adult and who isn't? If Steve is still disturbing everyone, making threats, causing drama, well, there's your answer. In such an extreme case, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking him to step down, but I hope this will blow over and everyone will get to enjoy the day.
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    maine7mobmaine7mob member
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    edited March 2019
    @short+sassy You and the bride handled everything very graciously. I hope it goes as well for the OP.
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    OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    @short+sassy, olives do have antioxidants. Check this out: https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/foods/olives#section1

    All kidding aside, my heart goes out to you, OP. PPs have covered it. 
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