Friend believes her catfisher.

mrsconn23 · April 2019

Dear Prudence,

My friend recently met a man on an online dating site. He showered her with compliments, told her he was in love with her after only a few weeks, and asked her to be his girlfriend after a month. Although they’ve video chatted, they have never met in person; he has a chronically ill family member he cares for, as well as a classified job that involves long hours and a nondisclosure agreement, and keeps canceling their dates. Now he claims he’s being deployed overseas on very short notice. I’ve told her my concerns and listed some of the red flags I see, but my friend believes he’s who he says he is. I can’t make her see the truth, and I’ve reluctantly accepted that. My question is: How do I support my friend? Her emotional distress is legitimate, even if he is a liar, but I don’t know how much I can listen to her sing her “boyfriend’s” praises while putting her dating life on hold for a man she will likely never meet. What can I say that would draw a firm boundary but is still supportive? Or do I just focus on saying neutral yet supportive things, change the subject, and hope that she sees the light before she gets in too deep?

—Friend Being Catfished

banana468 · April 2019

"I hope for your sake that this is a real person but until you actually introduce me to him face to face I think that this person is trying to swindle you."

Depending on the person I may continue to ask questions to try to get her to understand that she's being fed a string of lies but there comes a time that you just get to say to a person that you have said your feelings and you hope she makes smart choices.

STARMOON44 · April 2019

“Ive been pretty clear that I don’t believe a word this guy says. I don’t want to fight about it with you and I hope I am wrong and he makes you happy, but I can’t talk about him with you.” And then when she brings him up again “you know how I feel about this let’s change the subject.”

charlotte989875 · April 2019

Sorry LW but you don’t get to decide if your friend is being swindled or not, or if they’re acting appropriately or not.

If you want don’t want to hear about your friends relationship anymore then tell them and be firm. But this sounds pretty condescending to me. It definitely sucks if she’s being catfishes and if she gets hurt. But presumably she’s a grown adult and can make decisions on her own. The LW has decided that catfishing is the truth and it sounds like is being just as stubborn about that as the friend is about the bf being real.

climbingsingle · April 2019

This dude is definitely married.

banana468 · April 2019

charlotte989875 said:

Sorry LW but you don’t get to decide if your friend is being swindled or not, or if they’re acting appropriately or not.

If you want don’t want to hear about your friends relationship anymore then tell them and be firm. But this sounds pretty condescending to me. It definitely sucks if she’s being catfishes and if she gets hurt. But presumably she’s a grown adult and can make decisions on her own. The LW has decided that catfishing is the truth and it sounds like is being just as stubborn about that as the friend is about the bf being real.

Meh - I deal with grown adults all the time who make me shake my head in the things that they believe. Sometimes grown adults also fall for something that feels good.

I had a friend years ago who fell in love with a guy who was about to be divorced. But there were tons of reasons that the divorce didn't work, his soon to be ex continued to spin stories and I told her, "Look - maybe he's telling you the truth but there's a lot to this story that isn't adding up." Long story short they broke up and he wasn't divorced when they did and his story didn't add up.

I didn't do an "I told you so" dance but I think those on the outside often see things more clearly than those smitten.

short+sassy · April 2019

If the friend is asking for advice, the LW should give it. To an extent. But if the LW keeps giving the friend the same advice and it is getting ignored, I'd start tiring of the conversations also and leave it at, "You know my feelings. I don't want to hear anymore about this guy because I think you're wasting your time."

Because really, catfish or not, a guy she's never met is moving overseas. Mmmm...Wonder what's happening to the chronically ill family member (you mean your wife or g/f?). I'm also curious if he supposedly lives near them. That is my impression because the LW mentions he "keeps cancelling dates". Which would make this whole thing even more outlandish. Like, the guy "loves you" and wants you to wait for him while he goes overseas, but can't even meet you for dinner? Really?

But, as frustrating as it is to see a close friend making an obvious huge mistake, there's really not much to do except try to give good advice (when asked) and be supportive when it falls apart.

charlotte989875 · April 2019

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Sorry LW but you don’t get to decide if your friend is being swindled or not, or if they’re acting appropriately or not.

If you want don’t want to hear about your friends relationship anymore then tell them and be firm. But this sounds pretty condescending to me. It definitely sucks if she’s being catfishes and if she gets hurt. But presumably she’s a grown adult and can make decisions on her own. The LW has decided that catfishing is the truth and it sounds like is being just as stubborn about that as the friend is about the bf being real.

Meh - I deal with grown adults all the time who make me shake my head in the things that they believe. Sometimes grown adults also fall for something that feels good.

I had a friend years ago who fell in love with a guy who was about to be divorced. But there were tons of reasons that the divorce didn't work, his soon to be ex continued to spin stories and I told her, "Look - maybe he's telling you the truth but there's a lot to this story that isn't adding up." Long story short they broke up and he wasn't divorced when they did and his story didn't add up.

I didn't do an "I told you so" dance but I think those on the outside often see things more clearly than those smitten.

Fair enough. People make really bad choices all the time because they feel good or want so bad for something to be true.

I just find the “I can’t make her see the truth” part a little annoying. It doesn’t sound like LW is worried about their friend, or what happens if/when friend finds out he’s not for real; it sounds like LW knows they’re right and want the friend to acknowledge it.

If she really wants to help her friend, she should be supportive, ask questions that might poke holes in the story, but the outright “here are all the red flags you have to see the light” approach, IMO, rarely leads to the person 1) actually seeing the light nor 2) feeling like they can come to you when the stuff hits the fan.

sparklepants41 · April 2019

climbingwife said:

This dude is definitely married.

My thoughts exactly.

banana468 · April 2019

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Sorry LW but you don’t get to decide if your friend is being swindled or not, or if they’re acting appropriately or not.

If you want don’t want to hear about your friends relationship anymore then tell them and be firm. But this sounds pretty condescending to me. It definitely sucks if she’s being catfishes and if she gets hurt. But presumably she’s a grown adult and can make decisions on her own. The LW has decided that catfishing is the truth and it sounds like is being just as stubborn about that as the friend is about the bf being real.

Meh - I deal with grown adults all the time who make me shake my head in the things that they believe. Sometimes grown adults also fall for something that feels good.

I had a friend years ago who fell in love with a guy who was about to be divorced. But there were tons of reasons that the divorce didn't work, his soon to be ex continued to spin stories and I told her, "Look - maybe he's telling you the truth but there's a lot to this story that isn't adding up." Long story short they broke up and he wasn't divorced when they did and his story didn't add up.

I didn't do an "I told you so" dance but I think those on the outside often see things more clearly than those smitten.

Fair enough. People make really bad choices all the time because they feel good or want so bad for something to be true.

I just find the “I can’t make her see the truth” part a little annoying. It doesn’t sound like LW is worried about their friend, or what happens if/when friend finds out he’s not for real; it sounds like LW knows they’re right and want the friend to acknowledge it.

If she really wants to help her friend, she should be supportive, ask questions that might poke holes in the story, but the outright “here are all the red flags you have to see the light” approach, IMO, rarely leads to the person 1) actually seeing the light nor 2) feeling like they can come to you when the stuff hits the fan.

I agree with that.

As humans I think we don't often do a great job at persuasive speech. There are nuances between demonstrating how you are correct vs. helping someone to see your perspective.

In this instance I see the LW as riled up and worried for the friend. The friend has rose-colored glasses on. The LW needs to have different tactics for breaking through that situation.

mrsconn23 · April 2019

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Sorry LW but you don’t get to decide if your friend is being swindled or not, or if they’re acting appropriately or not.

If you want don’t want to hear about your friends relationship anymore then tell them and be firm. But this sounds pretty condescending to me. It definitely sucks if she’s being catfishes and if she gets hurt. But presumably she’s a grown adult and can make decisions on her own. The LW has decided that catfishing is the truth and it sounds like is being just as stubborn about that as the friend is about the bf being real.

Meh - I deal with grown adults all the time who make me shake my head in the things that they believe. Sometimes grown adults also fall for something that feels good.

I had a friend years ago who fell in love with a guy who was about to be divorced. But there were tons of reasons that the divorce didn't work, his soon to be ex continued to spin stories and I told her, "Look - maybe he's telling you the truth but there's a lot to this story that isn't adding up." Long story short they broke up and he wasn't divorced when they did and his story didn't add up.

I didn't do an "I told you so" dance but I think those on the outside often see things more clearly than those smitten.

Fair enough. People make really bad choices all the time because they feel good or want so bad for something to be true.

I just find the “I can’t make her see the truth” part a little annoying. It doesn’t sound like LW is worried about their friend, or what happens if/when friend finds out he’s not for real; it sounds like LW knows they’re right and want the friend to acknowledge it.

If she really wants to help her friend, she should be supportive, ask questions that might poke holes in the story, but the outright “here are all the red flags you have to see the light” approach, IMO, rarely leads to the person 1) actually seeing the light nor 2) feeling like they can come to you when the stuff hits the fan.

I agree with that.

As humans I think we don't often do a great job at persuasive speech. There are nuances between demonstrating how you are correct vs. helping someone to see your perspective.

In this instance I see the LW as riled up and worried for the friend. The friend has rose-colored glasses on. The LW needs to have different tactics for breaking through that situation.

Yep. It's called "killing the messenger" for a reason.

You can be correct about a situation, but also be an asshole. If the friendship means something, then LW should not be an asshole.

banana468 · April 2019

mrsconn23 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Sorry LW but you don’t get to decide if your friend is being swindled or not, or if they’re acting appropriately or not.

If you want don’t want to hear about your friends relationship anymore then tell them and be firm. But this sounds pretty condescending to me. It definitely sucks if she’s being catfishes and if she gets hurt. But presumably she’s a grown adult and can make decisions on her own. The LW has decided that catfishing is the truth and it sounds like is being just as stubborn about that as the friend is about the bf being real.

Meh - I deal with grown adults all the time who make me shake my head in the things that they believe. Sometimes grown adults also fall for something that feels good.

I had a friend years ago who fell in love with a guy who was about to be divorced. But there were tons of reasons that the divorce didn't work, his soon to be ex continued to spin stories and I told her, "Look - maybe he's telling you the truth but there's a lot to this story that isn't adding up." Long story short they broke up and he wasn't divorced when they did and his story didn't add up.

I didn't do an "I told you so" dance but I think those on the outside often see things more clearly than those smitten.

Fair enough. People make really bad choices all the time because they feel good or want so bad for something to be true.

I just find the “I can’t make her see the truth” part a little annoying. It doesn’t sound like LW is worried about their friend, or what happens if/when friend finds out he’s not for real; it sounds like LW knows they’re right and want the friend to acknowledge it.

If she really wants to help her friend, she should be supportive, ask questions that might poke holes in the story, but the outright “here are all the red flags you have to see the light” approach, IMO, rarely leads to the person 1) actually seeing the light nor 2) feeling like they can come to you when the stuff hits the fan.

I agree with that.

As humans I think we don't often do a great job at persuasive speech. There are nuances between demonstrating how you are correct vs. helping someone to see your perspective.

In this instance I see the LW as riled up and worried for the friend. The friend has rose-colored glasses on. The LW needs to have different tactics for breaking through that situation.

Yep. It's called "killing the messenger" for a reason.

You can be correct about a situation, but also be an asshole. If the friendship means something, then LW should not be an asshole.

Exactly.

Sometimes rather than say, "Honey there's no way this guy is real" you can say, "So did he tell you where he will be stationed? Did you get an address where you can send him letters? When does he think he will be back?"

Oh - none of that? Oh ok. Then ask more questions.

The friend will already see through that in this situation. But sometimes it helps those who are normally intelligent to use their own critical thinking skills to realize that they were the victims of a con job.

charlotte989875 · April 2019

banana468 said:

mrsconn23 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Sorry LW but you don’t get to decide if your friend is being swindled or not, or if they’re acting appropriately or not.

If you want don’t want to hear about your friends relationship anymore then tell them and be firm. But this sounds pretty condescending to me. It definitely sucks if she’s being catfishes and if she gets hurt. But presumably she’s a grown adult and can make decisions on her own. The LW has decided that catfishing is the truth and it sounds like is being just as stubborn about that as the friend is about the bf being real.

Meh - I deal with grown adults all the time who make me shake my head in the things that they believe. Sometimes grown adults also fall for something that feels good.

I had a friend years ago who fell in love with a guy who was about to be divorced. But there were tons of reasons that the divorce didn't work, his soon to be ex continued to spin stories and I told her, "Look - maybe he's telling you the truth but there's a lot to this story that isn't adding up." Long story short they broke up and he wasn't divorced when they did and his story didn't add up.

I didn't do an "I told you so" dance but I think those on the outside often see things more clearly than those smitten.

Fair enough. People make really bad choices all the time because they feel good or want so bad for something to be true.

I just find the “I can’t make her see the truth” part a little annoying. It doesn’t sound like LW is worried about their friend, or what happens if/when friend finds out he’s not for real; it sounds like LW knows they’re right and want the friend to acknowledge it.

If she really wants to help her friend, she should be supportive, ask questions that might poke holes in the story, but the outright “here are all the red flags you have to see the light” approach, IMO, rarely leads to the person 1) actually seeing the light nor 2) feeling like they can come to you when the stuff hits the fan.

I agree with that.

As humans I think we don't often do a great job at persuasive speech. There are nuances between demonstrating how you are correct vs. helping someone to see your perspective.

In this instance I see the LW as riled up and worried for the friend. The friend has rose-colored glasses on. The LW needs to have different tactics for breaking through that situation.

Yep. It's called "killing the messenger" for a reason.

You can be correct about a situation, but also be an asshole. If the friendship means something, then LW should not be an asshole.

Exactly.

Sometimes rather than say, "Honey there's no way this guy is real" you can say, "So did he tell you where he will be stationed? Did you get an address where you can send him letters? When does he think he will be back?"

Oh - none of that? Oh ok. Then ask more questions.

The friend will already see through that in this situation. But sometimes it helps those who are normally intelligent to use their own critical thinking skills to realize that they were the victims of a con job.

Yes, this.

Being all “you’re going to meet him” and “you’re putting your dating life on hold” sucks and, IMO, makes you a jerk. Whether or not those things are true.

MNNEBride · April 2019

A woman I used to work with was in this type of "relationship". Most of the rest of us could see all the red flags but of course she wouldn't. We collected a few bucks among ourselves and asked her if we could run his name through one of those online background checks. She agreed. Of course we did not come up with the same information he had given her and found out he was using information and pictures from several different Facebook profiles (thanks Catfish TV for showing us that trick!) in addition to other lies. She confronted him with the information (over the phone of course) and she never heard from him again. It was sad that her heart was broken, but I'm sure we saved her thousands of dollars in the long run as he was starting to ask her for money.

Friend believes her catfisher.

Re: Friend believes her catfisher.

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