Not making it a memorial service

futuremrs20 · April 2019

Hi all. I'll cut right to it. My Dad passed away from a sudden heart attack so will not be at my wedding. My Dad was the glue of our family and as the only girl out of four children, I was very close to him. As I plan my wedding I am realizing how hard it is to think of not having him there to walk me down the aisle, dance with me, plan with my Mom and I, etc. For the ceremony my two older brothers will be walking me down the aisle and a poem will be read in his honor. The thing I go back and forth on is the "father daughter dance." My mom would like me to do a dance with my three brothers, an idea that I truly love. However, the song we initially envisioned ("To Where You Are" by Josh Groban) is so freakin' sad. My sister in law pointed out that the day is going to be hard enough as it is without him there so a different song might be better. I was wondering if any of you have gone through something similar and what you did instead. I do want to do the song with my brothers but was thinking something more along the lines of "Lean on Me" or "What a Wonderful World." Thank you!

CharmedPam · April 2019

I like those options. I was at a wedding over the summer where the groom’s mom had passed last spring. He danced with his sister and it was beautiful. My H took pics of my friend (bride) looking on the brother/sister dance that the photographer didn't even get and she thanked me for those shots. I think they just danced to a song that meant something to the family. I do love lean on me.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2019

I am so very sorry for your loss. I think Lean on Me and What a Wonderful World are great options. Best wishes.

short+sassy · April 2019

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. It is a wise move to make sure your wedding is the celebratory and joyful occasion that it is.

My own father passed away at a relatively young age (49) though, by the time I got married, there had been many years in between. It was still hard and I thought of him throughout the day. I carved out some quiet time for myself that morning. I "talked" to him and told him I missed him. I told him about my FI and why I loved him. I laughed when I told him about some of the things he would frown upon with my FI, but that he'd like him. I let myself have a big cry after that, which was actually really cleansing. I got my sad cry out because he wasn't there, so that then I could smile for the rest of the day knowing he was with me in spirit and smiling down on all of us.

I know my story is a lot more than you bargained for asking about songs

. But I hope there are some thoughts and ideas in there that can help you also.

More specifically to your post. I kept my own tributes to him private and meaningful. For example, my H won't wear rings, but we wanted to use one for the ceremony. So we used my dad's wedding ring.

A bit of a long story, but we didn't have any spotlight dances. Which I was so relieved about because I'd always worried "what if I marry someone who wants a spotlight dance with his mom, I think that would cause a huge wave of grief for me". Turned out to be a moot point with my H.

Though that was me. I think dancing with your brothers for one spotlight song sounds great, since you love the idea. I agree with your SIL that...especially with brothers...it should be a fun and upbeat song. TBH, I really dislike both of those songs, lol. But don't mind me. I realize they are classics. Most people love them. And I am indeed, the oddball. I'm just setting the stage that it almost pains me to type I think "Lean on Me" is the better choice, lol. Seriously, though, I think it's better because it's more upbeat and the positive message behind the song makes sense for any kind of relationship.

OurWildKingdom · April 2019

I’m so sorry about your dad! I think the dance with your brothers is a lovely idea. “Lean On Me” is my first choice.

MesmrEwe · April 2019

There was a bride a while back who lost her Dad less than a month before her wedding. The advice is really the same, keep the tributes subtle, simple, and meaningful while not detracting and turning it into Memorial Service 2.0. Have your florist use one of his ties around the carrying portion of your bouquet for example (subtle "he's walking you down the aisle"). Put your parents and your wedding pictures in frames on the cake table (then when the cake is gone there's still something on the table - how you get yours is someone snaps a picture, sends it to a one-hour printer near you, picks it up on the way through on the way to the reception).. The sibling dance idea is a good one, but you could extend it so far as to be the family dance where your and FI's siblings/Mom/Son dance take place depending on the song. Reason being I'm NAF of bogging down the dance with too many tribute type dances. I know some families where they choose a sibling song that starts off serious but ends in a montage that gets the rest of the guests out on the dance floor.

OliveOilsMom · April 2019

FIL had passed before I even met my H. So it had been around 8 years, he was gone, by the time we married. We kept everything very subtle, especially since MIL is still very fragile about her loss. There was a special bouquet at the church to represent FIL and our grandparents, but only we knew what they were for. We did the wedding day photos too. At the point in mass when they pray the intersessions, we did have one specific to FIL - if that is something you would be interested in. We also mentioned our lost loved ones in the program.

My cousin was married last fall and lost his mom about 6 months before. I think they were going to skip a mother/son dance, but the bride did a dance with her mom instead of FOB or SFOB. At one point, MOB called over my cousin for a dance and it was a very beautiful moment.

As for you, since 2 brothers are walking you in, maybe the third can do the dance with you. It might make it flow a bit better? I like Lean on Me out of your two choices. Other possibilities: You've Got a Friend by James Taylor, Brothers & Sisters by Coldplay, I Don't Have to Change by John Legend, In My Life by The Beatles and Long & Winding Road by The Beatles

Lastly, I would carefully consider the poem that will be recited as well. It could go exactly as the Josh Groban song might.

After the wedding, I would also recommend going to visit your dad's resting place and leaving your bouquet.

MesmrEwe · April 2019

OliveOilsMom said:

FIL had passed before I even met my H. So it had been around 8 years, he was gone, by the time we married. We kept everything very subtle, especially since MIL is still very fragile about her loss. There was a special bouquet at the church to represent FIL and our grandparents, but only we knew what they were for. We did the wedding day photos too. At the point in mass when they pray the intersessions, we did have one specific to FIL - if that is something you would be interested in. We also mentioned our lost loved ones in the program.
My cousin was married last fall and lost his mom about 6 months before. I think they were going to skip a mother/son dance, but the bride did a dance with her mom instead of FOB or SFOB. At one point, MOB called over my cousin for a dance and it was a very beautiful moment.
As for you, since 2 brothers are walking you in, maybe the third can do the dance with you. It might make it flow a bit better? I like Lean on Me out of your two choices. Other possibilities: You've Got a Friend by James Taylor, Brothers & Sisters by Coldplay, I Don't Have to Change by John Legend, In My Life by The Beatles and Long & Winding Road by The Beatles
Lastly, I would carefully consider the poem that will be recited as well. It could go exactly as the Josh Groban song might.
After the wedding, I would also recommend going to visit your dad's resting place and leaving your bouquet.

I would NOT recommend doing this part - reason being my family is involved in the care of our local cemeteries for decades now... While it's "nice" to think about having done something like that out there... my uncle had a saying "Take the flowers with you - they are expensive and just make work for the mowers!" (often they have wires in them, the ribbon and other components blow in the wind, and ultimately it becomes something like a piece of litter out there that someone else has to go clean up.. It's another thing to do something more formal like planters that are pretty much put out for the season and stay put, but things like flowers, take them home and enjoy them, or take them to a nursing home for the residents to enjoy. No one is going to enjoy them at the cemetery!

futuremrs20 · April 2019

Thank you guys for all of the replies; I truly appreciate the input! My younger brother is serving as my Man of Honor and I do not want to leave him out of an important dance/it's important that all three of my brothers share this with me. Since we are getting married Father's Day Weekend and in my hometown, my siblings and I were going to visit my Dad's grave on Father's Day so I might not leave the entire bouquet (a friend wants to frame some of it for us as one of their wedding gifts) but might leave some part of it.

I do also love the idea of having a private conversation with my Dad before the wedding (possibly a day or two before) in order to get out all that emotion and sort of welcome it, so thank you for letting me know what you did there!

MesmrEwe · April 2019

knottie00fe2f54982b4d5d said:

Thank you guys for all of the replies; I truly appreciate the input! My younger brother is serving as my Man of Honor and I do not want to leave him out of an important dance/it's important that all three of my brothers share this with me. Since we are getting married Father's Day Weekend and in my hometown, my siblings and I were going to visit my Dad's grave on Father's Day so I might not leave the entire bouquet (a friend wants to frame some of it for us as one of their wedding gifts) but might leave some part of it.

I do also love the idea of having a private conversation with my Dad before the wedding (possibly a day or two before) in order to get out all that emotion and sort of welcome it, so thank you for letting me know what you did there!

Talk to your florist as they can design your bouquet to have a part that is organic (no wires nor ribbon) that will be able to detach to leave there without impacting how it dries for the framing...

Not making it a memorial service

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