• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Etiquette

A friend is choosing the same venue and I don't know how to respond.

We got engaged at the first weekend in April. I had always known I wanted a spring wedding, so we planned for May 2020. We checked out a few venues and chose a beautiful farm with a historic greenhouse for the ceremony and reception in their main hall. It is my dream come true. On Easter Sunday a friend got engaged and she shortly afterward asked me where I had started in the wedding planning because she was overwhelmed. I innocently mentioned the venue we picked and now she is leaning toward picking it as well. We are in Columbus, OH and there are plenty of venue choices. I know I am not the first to have a wedding at this venue but I do not personally know anyone else who has had it there. They want to have a December wedding this year so their wedding will be first about 5 months prior to ours and I cant help but think everyone will think we copied. Plus I don't want to attend another wedding at my own venue while I am in the process of planning it, I know I will end up worrying about making sure ours is different in every way. I know it is not a competition and I am happy for her, but I am finding this to be a hard pill to swallow. I don't even know what to say back to her because I am somewhat heartbroken. I think it is a tacky thing to do and I would have never directly copied someone if they had told me they had theirs planned somewhere first. I just can't imagine what she is thinking, and I don't think I can attend their wedding if they have it there. 

Has anyone else encountered this situation? What did you do? Am I being immature? How should I respond?

Re: A friend is choosing the same venue and I don't know how to respond.

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We got engaged at the first weekend in April. I had always known I wanted a spring wedding, so we planned for May 2020. We checked out a few venues and chose a beautiful farm with a historic greenhouse for the ceremony and reception in their main hall. It is my dream come true. On Easter Sunday a friend got engaged and she shortly afterward asked me where I had started in the wedding planning because she was overwhelmed. I innocently mentioned the venue we picked and now she is leaning toward picking it as well. We are in Columbus, OH and there are plenty of venue choices. I know I am not the first to have a wedding at this venue but I do not personally know anyone else who has had it there. They want to have a December wedding this year so their wedding will be first about 5 months prior to ours and I cant help but think everyone will think we copied. Plus I don't want to attend another wedding at my own venue while I am in the process of planning it, I know I will end up worrying about making sure ours is different in every way. I know it is not a competition and I am happy for her, but I am finding this to be a hard pill to swallow. I don't even know what to say back to her because I am somewhat heartbroken. I think it is a tacky thing to do and I would have never directly copied someone if they had told me they had theirs planned somewhere first. I just can't imagine what she is thinking, and I don't think I can attend their wedding if they have it there. 

    Has anyone else encountered this situation? What did you do? Am I being immature? How should I respond?
    This is not tacky. You are indeed being immature. You tell her you can’t wait to celebrate with her and vice versa. This isn’t a competition. You get one day and she gets one day. I promise no one will even notice. Do not be petty about this. 


    image
    OurWildKingdomILoveBeachMusicMairePoppy
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We got engaged at the first weekend in April. I had always known I wanted a spring wedding, so we planned for May 2020. We checked out a few venues and chose a beautiful farm with a historic greenhouse for the ceremony and reception in their main hall. It is my dream come true. On Easter Sunday a friend got engaged and she shortly afterward asked me where I had started in the wedding planning because she was overwhelmed. I innocently mentioned the venue we picked and now she is leaning toward picking it as well. We are in Columbus, OH and there are plenty of venue choices. I know I am not the first to have a wedding at this venue but I do not personally know anyone else who has had it there. They want to have a December wedding this year so their wedding will be first about 5 months prior to ours and I cant help but think everyone will think we copied. Plus I don't want to attend another wedding at my own venue while I am in the process of planning it, I know I will end up worrying about making sure ours is different in every way. I know it is not a competition and I am happy for her, but I am finding this to be a hard pill to swallow. I don't even know what to say back to her because I am somewhat heartbroken. I think it is a tacky thing to do and I would have never directly copied someone if they had told me they had theirs planned somewhere first. I just can't imagine what she is thinking, and I don't think I can attend their wedding if they have it there. 

    Has anyone else encountered this situation? What did you do? Am I being immature? How should I respond?
    Yes, it's immature. There's not really all that unique about getting married. Your wedding will be different because it's you and your fiance and the people who care about you. Focus on making it a great wedding by hosting people well at this venue.

    Your friend has done nothing even remotely close to wrong.
    short+sassyOurWildKingdomdowntondiva
  • You need to find a way to let this go; she’s not doing anything wrong here. 

    Are you really willing to skip a friend’s wedding because it might be in the same building as your wedding? They’re two different events, at different times of the tears with different guests. 

    Wedding planning can be stressful and stressful situations can make people overreact to things; don’t let it. If you don’t want people to know what you’re doing for your wedding, simply tell them you haven’t decided yet and change the subject. 

    As for what to tell your friend? Tell her you are happy for her and you can’t wait to celebrate with her and her FI. 
    OurWildKingdomMairePoppy
  • edited April 24
    The only tacky person in this is you, this is 100% a you problem, OP, and something you need to deal with yourself. If you really won't even attend this friend's wedding because they had the absolute nerve to like the same place you like, how much of a friend are you even?

    You should respond with nothing but "oh that's nice! can't wait" and maybe talk to a therapist about your issues. Do not say anything to this "friend" unless you just want to end the relationship entirely.

    No one except for other petty tacky people will think anything about you having a wedding at the same venue 5 months apart. No one cares nearly as much as you do about any of your wedding details, they're happy for you and your SO and will not notice the color of the table cloths or the flower arrangements. If they're properly hosted that's what matters. The where isn't important. Also, how much overlap do you honestly have? A handful of mutual friends? Maybe they'll say "oh, we were here for so-and-so's wedding, it was lovely" and that's the most thought they'll give to it, unless your friends are just immature children.


    This may seem harsh, but one day you're going to look back on this and regret it if you do anything other than be excited for your friend.
    short+sassyOurWildKingdomMyNameIsNot
  • MRDCleMRDCle member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Yes, it’s immature. If it’s the venue I think it might be in Columbus it’s a pretty popular venue so I can see your friend stumbling on it on her own even without you mentioning it. With that, said there’s A LOT you can do with the venue to make it your own. Be excited for your friend and move on. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • It sounds like you have a bit of the wedding blinders on right now ;).  I think and hope it's just a shock and disappointment for the moment.  And, in your heart of hearts, know there's nothing wrong if your friend chooses the same venue.  I doubt she sees any issue with it either.  Especially since you were the one who recommended the place.

    She just got engaged and just started looking.  It's very possible her and her FI won't choose this venue anyway.

    But, even if they do, don't let it tarnish your own excitement for this venue you love.  It's only something to have angst about, if you let it and let the resentment simmer.

    No one will think you copied her.  You don't have to lift a finger to make sure the weddings look/are different.  They WILL look and feel different because the "stars" of the show will be different.  The guest list will largely be different.  Even the time of year will make things look hugely different.  Their wedding will be a winter wonderland.  Possibly with snow on the ground and dark jewel toned flowers, like pointsettias.  Your all's wedding will have all the beauty of Spring, just like you've always pictured.  Sunshine and brightly colored flowers blossoming everywhere.  Probably the best time of year to see the greenhouse you mentioned.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875OurWildKingdomILoveBeachMusic
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your friend got engaged ONE WEEK ago.  She said she is leaning toward the idea of that venue.  

    I find it hard to believe they have already worked out their guest list and budget.  You BOTH need to simmer down a bit.  A winter wedding and a spring wedding will look completely different.  When my daughter toured her venue, it was decorated to accommodate a 13 year old girls bat mitzvah. The room was disco themed.  Needless to say, the day of my daughter's wedding there was not one hint of teenagers or disco! 
    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdomshort+sassynightnerd
  • Don't start off your wedding planning with the assumption that everything must be unique in order to be special. That's the wrong way to look at it.

    Even if your friend does have her wedding at the very same venue, she'll be having it in a totally different season. Her decorations will be completely different. A December wedding will likely include a lot of greenery and maybe some Christmas colors, and a lot of candles and what not. A May wedding will have fresh flowers in spring colors.

    Best of all, your guests will be there to see you get married, not to see how this particular venue puts on a special wedding.

    Don't start your new life by acting like a princess.
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875aisfora86InLoveInQueens
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I would have loved to gone to a wedding before mine at the same venue! You get a free dress rehearsal. You get to see what works, what doesn't work, what food is not nice, where the lags are, where people hang out etc. This is a good thing. 
    Agreed. We ended up just getting married in our backyard, but we had originally picked a gazebo at one of the local parks. I would have loved to see a wedding at that venue beforehand.
    charlotte989875
  • MRDCleMRDCle member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I would have loved to gone to a wedding before mine at the same venue! You get a free dress rehearsal. You get to see what works, what doesn't work, what food is not nice, where the lags are, where people hang out etc. This is a good thing. 
    Agreed. We ended up just getting married in our backyard, but we had originally picked a gazebo at one of the local parks. I would have loved to see a wedding at that venue beforehand.
    Completely unrelated but I see you’re local to me and now I’m wondering what gazebo 😂
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    MRDCle said:
    I would have loved to gone to a wedding before mine at the same venue! You get a free dress rehearsal. You get to see what works, what doesn't work, what food is not nice, where the lags are, where people hang out etc. This is a good thing. 
    Agreed. We ended up just getting married in our backyard, but we had originally picked a gazebo at one of the local parks. I would have loved to see a wedding at that venue beforehand.
    Completely unrelated but I see you’re local to me and now I’m wondering what gazebo 😂
    Lakewood Park. It’s absolutely gorgeous but I was freaking out about rain being predicted, and our old neighbors offered the use of a canopy if we moved it to the backyard. It didn’t rain until after we left the restaurant (Melissa in Rocky River) where we had our reception.
  • OP - you've got what we term around here called "Bridal Blinders" and you're standing close to the edge, stop, step back, have a cupcake and beverage of choice (mine would be milk, but some go for adult beverages).  Remember, when it comes to all things wedding to keep things in perspective, and also don't discuss details with other brides IRL because most of the time people think they're doing something unique to them and or that someone is copying their idea (though they aren't) when the reality is, your baker has made that style and flavor of cake 100 times, your venue will be used by other couples, other brides will choose the same BM dresses, your florist will create flowers for other weddings.  Even if you have the exact same dresses, orders and vendors for everything as your friend, your event will be unique because your personalities aren't Siamese twins and your guest lists do not 100% overlap, and, your event isn't the same exact day, they're months apart (people forget the details that may seem important to you!  Like linen colors!).  The one thing that all people remember from weddings are 1) If they had a great time, 2) they weren't shorted in the department of guest treatment.  Things like all guests treated equally (i.e. didn't run out of cake before they got to you, an appropriately hosted event for the formality and time of day, head table didn't have steak while you had hotdogs, place to sit, creature comforts such as working bathrooms and temperature control appropriate for the time of year, that the guests didn't need to open their wallets for things like parking or bar or an extravagant hotel during tourist season, beach wedding during a hurricane, etc.)

    Relax, as others pointed out, a "dry run" of someone else's wedding months in advance of your own using the same vendors only works in your favor!  Just recently we had a bride on here that was using the same florist as her brother and the florist did a horrible job with several 3-4 months that the bride can now change vendors to work with someone who won't mess up the flowers.  It's little things like that which would work to your advantage by getting to have that test run if your friend decides to have their wedding there (or for that matter, if the venue is a S-show, you have 5 months to find someplace else!)...  Also, some vendors offer a referral discount to you for recommending other brides use them as well.  This works on all levels to your advantage OP, relax!!!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    ILoveBeachMusicOurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I totally agree that this isn't something to be concerned about. Also PPs have a point about going to a wedding at the same venue - you can see what works and what doesn't! That could prevent you from making mistakes in your choices for things like decoration, seating and lighting. DD had her wedding at her church. One week later a good friend had hers in the same church using the same wedding colors. However, the two weddings were totally different (they also had a lot of friend overlap). They had different officiants, different music and a different vibe. Don't stress over this!
    charlotte989875OurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Why is it a problem, let alone "heartbreaking,"  that someone close to you is thinking about being married at the same venue you are?

    If my close friend and I wanted to be married at the same venue or have other common elements in our weddings, I would just say, "Great minds think alike" and congratulate her on her choice. That's a far classier (and yes, mature) reaction to learning that we have the same taste in wedding venues or other wedding-related elements.
    OurWildKingdomaisfora86InLoveInQueenslevioosa
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes, you are being immature. 

    LondonLisa said:
    I would have loved to go to a wedding before mine at the same venue! You get a free dress rehearsal. You get to see what works, what doesn't work, what food is not nice, where the lags are, where people hang out etc. This is a good thing. 
    And yes, ditto this. This is actually a great thing. 

    Jen4948
  • It is not tacky of your friend to consider getting married - or to get married - at the same venue as you. People in the same social circle or even the same family get married at the same wedding venues all the time. Being "heartbroken" over this is immature and a complete waste of time and energy. 

    Focus on planning the wedding you want to have and stop worrying about how different or not it will be from your friend's. Just by virtue of the fact that she's getting married in the winter and you're getting married in the spring they could be very different events anyway. 
    image
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • I could see how you would feel that way. If it's a unique place, I would be a bit disappointed. Have you tried telling her how you feel and maybe have her pick her own unique place?
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    angiiieee said:
    I could see how you would feel that way. If it's a unique place, I would be a bit disappointed. Have you tried telling her how you feel and maybe have her pick her own unique place?
    No, this is terrible advise - for OP and any other brides reading this. Everyone is allowed to pick their own venue, regardless of if your friend/relative/whatever is throwing an event there too. You, in no way, can ask or tell someone to book another venue. 

    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    angiiieee said:
    I could see how you would feel that way. If it's a unique place, I would be a bit disappointed. Have you tried telling her how you feel and maybe have her pick her own unique place?
    This is a horrible suggestion! If OP is that insistent on having a unique place, she needs the one to move.

    OP has absolutely no right to tell the friend where she can and cannot get married. Trying to do so is a great way to ruin a relationship. 
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueens
  • angiiieee said:
    I could see how you would feel that way. If it's a unique place, I would be a bit disappointed. Have you tried telling her how you feel and maybe have her pick her own unique place?
    Oh girl, no, this is an OP problem and a no one else problem. OP doesn't get to tell someone else where to get married, and if she does that's basically saying "I care more about myself and my wedding venue than our friendship".
    OurWildKingdom
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards