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Omfg Dear Prudie

redwoodoriginalredwoodoriginal member
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in Wedding Woes
Omg guys. Look at this letter to Prudie from her chat on Monday... where the fuck do these people come from?? 

Wedding planning woes: My fiancée and I are getting married this summer and have a wedding budget of $30,000 for 175 guests, which is below average for our state (and we live in the largest metropolitan area). My father is a stingy multimillionaire who has refused to provide more than $7,500 because he thinks, on principle, that each parent should pay for a quarter of the wedding. My mom is a public servant who took an entry-level job following their divorce, and my fiancée’s parents are also in solidly middle-class jobs. My mom has found the money; my fiancée’s parents are still trying. We can afford to put in some money ourselves, but it would be a sizable chunk of the money we are saving to buy a home.What do we do here? Should we disinvite people? Should we just cancel the wedding and elope? (We would lose about $5,000 in deposits.) Should we put in the money ourselves and refuse to do father-daughter things like walking down the aisle, first dance, etc.? I am really angry with my dad for his inflexibility and stinginess. I am also angry with myself and my fiancée for proceeding with a wedding the size we want (even though we have been fairly frugal in our other choices) when finances were unclear.

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Re: Omfg Dear Prudie

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
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    Yeah sounds like they planned and put deposits down KNOWING they didn’t have the money.  What was unclear about the savings you had (or didn’t have)? LW, you’re lucky to get anything from any parent!   

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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    What spoiled brats. 


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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    edited April 2019
    "Unless the money is in your bank account it doesn't exist - plan your wedding accordingly!"..  Lose the $5k or adjust the event to "Cake & Punch" at an appropriate time...  

    The entitlement runs strong in this one...
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    edited April 2019
    You should never plan a wedding (or any event for that matter) without knowing your budget and by budget I mean how much money you actually have NOT how much you need.

    edited for clarity
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    You don’t get to spend other people’s money, no matter how much or how t little they have
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    So, I gotta admit that my first thought was slightly, SLIGHTLY sympathetic towards LW. The entitled tone and the lack of seeing this as her own fault are obnoxious, but I did kind of feel like, "Well, if my dad was rolling in cash, I'd probably be hoping for a little more too". 

    But then the more I thought about it, yeah, no. Like, so, $7,500 to this guy is probably like $75 or even $7.50 to my family. None of our four parents contributed a dime to our wedding and we never expected them to and I never even really thought about it unless it came up in conversation. I've never been the least bit upset or bitter about it, so that wouldn't change when there's more money involved.

    So, yeah, I agree with you guys. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    levioosa said:
    What spoiled brats. 
    Yep. 
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    At least I know my kids won’t live me for my money. We have none. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    A lot of people like to think that weddings change people. They don't. If the bride's father has always been stingy, a wedding isn't going to make him suddenly generous.  If that's what the couple was expecting to happen, that was pretty naive of them.

    This is exactly why I always say you need to plan a wedding you can afford on your own. It's not fair to expect other people to pay for your wedding, no matter how much money they have.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Here's the deal: They never did have a budget.   If you're counting on money no one is spending then that's not fair.

    And what her father thinks is bullshit.   He gets to contribute or not contribute.    He doesn't get to say that he's going to divide by 4 and that's his contribution and others need to pay what he thinks. 

    All of this could have been helped if they budgeted better.   It's a PITA and I got married in an area of the country where $30,000 doesn't go that far but you work within your means. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    Sounds like this couple was originally not planning on contributing any of their money for THEIR wedding.  They assumed the LW's father was going to give all/most of the money needed.

    I'm also assuming this was a discussion had with the dad in the beginning.  Before STDs or invites went out.  Yet, they still proceeded with their large guest list and I guess figured they would strong-arm the LW's mother and the FI's parents into a large contribution that none of those people can easily afford.  Awesome//s.

    This couple needs to call off the wedding completely until they're mature enough to understand that their own financial security (house down payment) and especially their parents' financial security trumps a one-day gala.  1000x over.  And grown adults need to pay for their own stuff.
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
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    Not cool on the dad for assuming that each parent is going to pay equally and he is just going to pay his "fair share".  Was it a dig at his ex-wife because he knew she couldn't afford it? And not cool on the couple for planning a wedding and just assuming that other people were going to pay.  I don't quite understand people like this, but then, I really like to make sure things are solid and I have money in hand before I buy something.  I didn't expect anything from any parents come my wedding day, and it just made life easier.

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    kerbohl said:
    Not cool on the dad for assuming that each parent is going to pay equally and he is just going to pay his "fair share".  Was it a dig at his ex-wife because he knew she couldn't afford it? And not cool on the couple for planning a wedding and just assuming that other people were going to pay.  I don't quite understand people like this, but then, I really like to make sure things are solid and I have money in hand before I buy something.  I didn't expect anything from any parents come my wedding day, and it just made life easier.
    That's a good point also.  The couple was so egregious in their expectations that I didn't catch what was possibly a jerk move and subtle dig at his ex, by the dad.  It's one thing to say, "Sorry, you're grown adults, pay for your own wedding."  Or, "Sure!  I'd be happy to give you all (insert amount)."

    But to limit what he's giving to 25% of the total cost, I dunno.  It could be that's what strikes him as fair.  However, I could also see ulterior motives of trying to belittle the mom and make her look cheap.  Because it sounds like that's kinda what happened.  Daddy Warbucks picks up his spare change and makes $7500 rain down and tells them to get the other portion from the "bride's half", from the mother.  Who, and I quote, "finds the money".  Implying it was neither easy nor readily available.

    I'm picturing the voluntold conversation.  "Mom, Dad said he'd give us $7500 for the wedding and you need to give us $7500 to."  
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    short+sassy said:
    kerbohl said:
    Not cool on the dad for assuming that each parent is going to pay equally and he is just going to pay his "fair share".  Was it a dig at his ex-wife because he knew she couldn't afford it? And not cool on the couple for planning a wedding and just assuming that other people were going to pay.  I don't quite understand people like this, but then, I really like to make sure things are solid and I have money in hand before I buy something.  I didn't expect anything from any parents come my wedding day, and it just made life easier.
    That's a good point also.  The couple was so egregious in their expectations that I didn't catch what was possibly a jerk move and subtle dig at his ex, by the dad.  It's one thing to say, "Sorry, you're grown adults, pay for your own wedding."  Or, "Sure!  I'd be happy to give you all (insert amount)."

    But to limit what he's giving to 25% of the total cost, I dunno.  It could be that's what strikes him as fair.  However, I could also see ulterior motives of trying to belittle the mom and make her look cheap.  Because it sounds like that's kinda what happened.  Daddy Warbucks picks up his spare change and makes $7500 rain down and tells them to get the other portion from the "bride's half", from the mother.  Who, and I quote, "finds the money".  Implying it was neither easy nor readily available.

    I'm picturing the voluntold conversation.  "Mom, Dad said he'd give us $7500 for the wedding and you need to give us $7500 to."  
    It sounds like no one here really knows how to talk to each other or budget.

    I don't think dad's wrong for giving what he feels like giving.   But Dad should give what he feels like giving with no ulterior motive.   It doesn't matter what your ex can give or what the parents of the groom will give.   It's about what you feel like giving.  

    I'd love to know how they arrived at the figure that they did so dad came up with that amount though.   
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    banana468 said:
    short+sassy said:
    kerbohl said:
    Not cool on the dad for assuming that each parent is going to pay equally and he is just going to pay his "fair share".  Was it a dig at his ex-wife because he knew she couldn't afford it? And not cool on the couple for planning a wedding and just assuming that other people were going to pay.  I don't quite understand people like this, but then, I really like to make sure things are solid and I have money in hand before I buy something.  I didn't expect anything from any parents come my wedding day, and it just made life easier.
    That's a good point also.  The couple was so egregious in their expectations that I didn't catch what was possibly a jerk move and subtle dig at his ex, by the dad.  It's one thing to say, "Sorry, you're grown adults, pay for your own wedding."  Or, "Sure!  I'd be happy to give you all (insert amount)."

    But to limit what he's giving to 25% of the total cost, I dunno.  It could be that's what strikes him as fair.  However, I could also see ulterior motives of trying to belittle the mom and make her look cheap.  Because it sounds like that's kinda what happened.  Daddy Warbucks picks up his spare change and makes $7500 rain down and tells them to get the other portion from the "bride's half", from the mother.  Who, and I quote, "finds the money".  Implying it was neither easy nor readily available.

    I'm picturing the voluntold conversation.  "Mom, Dad said he'd give us $7500 for the wedding and you need to give us $7500 to."  
    It sounds like no one here really knows how to talk to each other or budget.

    I don't think dad's wrong for giving what he feels like giving.   But Dad should give what he feels like giving with no ulterior motive.   It doesn't matter what your ex can give or what the parents of the groom will give.   It's about what you feel like giving.  

    I'd love to know how they arrived at the figure that they did so dad came up with that amount though.   
    My guess is their venue is all-inclusive then cost of the dress...
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    MesmrEwe said:
    banana468 said:
    short+sassy said:
    kerbohl said:
    Not cool on the dad for assuming that each parent is going to pay equally and he is just going to pay his "fair share".  Was it a dig at his ex-wife because he knew she couldn't afford it? And not cool on the couple for planning a wedding and just assuming that other people were going to pay.  I don't quite understand people like this, but then, I really like to make sure things are solid and I have money in hand before I buy something.  I didn't expect anything from any parents come my wedding day, and it just made life easier.
    That's a good point also.  The couple was so egregious in their expectations that I didn't catch what was possibly a jerk move and subtle dig at his ex, by the dad.  It's one thing to say, "Sorry, you're grown adults, pay for your own wedding."  Or, "Sure!  I'd be happy to give you all (insert amount)."

    But to limit what he's giving to 25% of the total cost, I dunno.  It could be that's what strikes him as fair.  However, I could also see ulterior motives of trying to belittle the mom and make her look cheap.  Because it sounds like that's kinda what happened.  Daddy Warbucks picks up his spare change and makes $7500 rain down and tells them to get the other portion from the "bride's half", from the mother.  Who, and I quote, "finds the money".  Implying it was neither easy nor readily available.

    I'm picturing the voluntold conversation.  "Mom, Dad said he'd give us $7500 for the wedding and you need to give us $7500 to."  
    It sounds like no one here really knows how to talk to each other or budget.

    I don't think dad's wrong for giving what he feels like giving.   But Dad should give what he feels like giving with no ulterior motive.   It doesn't matter what your ex can give or what the parents of the groom will give.   It's about what you feel like giving.  

    I'd love to know how they arrived at the figure that they did so dad came up with that amount though.   
    My guess is their venue is all-inclusive then cost of the dress...
    My point is that you don't pick a venue until you have a budget.  

    So did they walk into a venue and just pick?  Did dear old Dad say that he'd spend $7500 and then they multiplied by 4?  

    They went about all of this ass backwards.  And now they realize that when you make a budget, you need to know how much you're working with first - not last.  So if all parents didn't say, "I will spend this amount," then WTH were they doing?  


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  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
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    i don't think the dad is stingy or wrong. I also think it is unfair to say what he SHOULD have done - and wrong to assume he had an ulterior motive. dad probably was always like this. people don't generally change that much, only the situations change. so what dad has money. DAD has money. adult children should be able to support themselves. its not up to adult children to tell dad how he should spend his money and what  terms dad should give when he gives out gifts. sheesh, thank dad for the $7500 or tell him no thank you, it isn't enough so we will pay for this even ourselves.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:
    i don't think the dad is stingy or wrong. I also think it is unfair to say what he SHOULD have done - and wrong to assume he had an ulterior motive. dad probably was always like this. people don't generally change that much, only the situations change. so what dad has money. DAD has money. adult children should be able to support themselves. its not up to adult children to tell dad how he should spend his money and what  terms dad should give when he gives out gifts. sheesh, thank dad for the $7500 or tell him no thank you, it isn't enough so we will pay for this even ourselves.
    Dad saying what he was going to give isn't the problem.   Dad saying what he thinks OTHERS need to give is the problem. 
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