Wedding Woes

I can't fake it 'til I make it.

Dear Prudence,

I really dislike hugging my parents and family and have no idea how to tell them that it makes me very uncomfortable and anxious. When I was younger, my mother was especially distant and rarely hugged me or told me “I love you.” My father was more open but was not around as much because of work commitments. Since they’ve gotten older, they seem to think this was not the case and that we have a close relationship (including lots of hugging), which simply does not exist for me. We’ve never been antagonistic toward each other, simply cold. I left at 18, joined the military, and have never lived with them again or been financially beholden to them. At most we text or talk every four or five months and see each other annually.

I don’t want to be cruel, but when we do see each other in person, it’s exhausting to fake these feelings of affection in my 40s. How do I tell them that I do not have the same desire for physical interaction that they seem to have developed in recent years and would prefer to keep a physical distance with a handshake or just polite conversation?

—No Hugs, Please

Re: I can't fake it 'til I make it.

  • You need to talk to your parents.   Either advise them that you're not an affectionate person or talk to them about how you are still harboring feelings of how you were treated in your youth.

    My guess is that if you're in your 40s your parents are probably at least in their 60s if not older and either don't remember things the same way or are now seeing a desire to remedy things.

    If there's anything that I've seen, it's that a lot of parents may have had the best of intentions and just didn't know how to go about figuring that out.   It doesn't make them bad but it does mean that there should be some discussion and understanding.  

    Before LW talks to parents I recommend a good therapist to try to figure this out.   Clearly there are some unresolved issues that should be addressed. 
  • I’m not a hugger myself.  And most people sense that from me because I don’t get a lot of hugs from friends and coworkers.  I dunno - family is different.  But to each their own. They can’t read minds (or maybe they can... I don’t know them) so you’re going to have to use your words LW.

  • Eh I've tried to tell my mom that I don't want to be hugged or kissed and she either ignores me or acts incredibly hurt.  She was never that affectionate when I was a child so I'm not sure why she is now that I'm an adult but it makes me very uncomfortable because it doesn't feel sincere. Sometimes talking and using your words just doesn't work.
  • Bodily autonomy and all that - don't hug anyone you don't' want to and don't let anyone touch you if you really don't want them to. 

    That being said,  I just feel like this is huge overreaction to a one, maybe two hugs per year (assuming typical behavior of a hug hello and a hug goodbye).  You can't take 8 seconds per year to hug your parents?  That seems way too extreme to me.

  • Casadena said:

    Bodily autonomy and all that - don't hug anyone you don't' want to and don't let anyone touch you if you really don't want them to. 

    That being said,  I just feel like this is huge overreaction to a one, maybe two hugs per year (assuming typical behavior of a hug hello and a hug goodbye).  You can't take 8 seconds per year to hug your parents?  That seems way too extreme to me.

    I really dislike this take on it. It's the same thing people say when they force little kids to hug relatives. If you don't want to touch someone, you shouldn't be forced or guilted into it. Even if it's your parents, even if it's only 8 seconds per year. Not wanting to hug or be hugged is valid, and I don't think we shouldn't minimize those feelings.

    I don't think there's any benefit for LW to try to explain the feelings to the parents. Maybe the distaste for hugs is born from a cool childhood, but the parents don't remember it that way and aren't going to be suddenly understanding. Instead, LW can just say that they don't like hugging and offer a handshake or whatever LW prefers. Sure, the parents may be assholes about it, but I don't see how explaining the source of the feelings is going to change how they react. 
  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    LW could take a lesson from my 2 y/o and scream "don't touch me" if they come near. 

    Otherwise, LW could tell the parents that they're not really into hugging but I don't know if it would stop someone. I'm not a hugger and honestly can't think of too many times I've hugged my parents as an adult. I have no idea why I dont, it is just weird (we have a great relationship). 
  • Preempt the hug by reaching out your hand to shake as soon as you approach them. 
  • Casadena said:

    Bodily autonomy and all that - don't hug anyone you don't' want to and don't let anyone touch you if you really don't want them to. 

    That being said,  I just feel like this is huge overreaction to a one, maybe two hugs per year (assuming typical behavior of a hug hello and a hug goodbye).  You can't take 8 seconds per year to hug your parents?  That seems way too extreme to me.

    I really dislike this take on it. It's the same thing people say when they force little kids to hug relatives. If you don't want to touch someone, you shouldn't be forced or guilted into it. Even if it's your parents, even if it's only 8 seconds per year. Not wanting to hug or be hugged is valid, and I don't think we shouldn't minimize those feelings.

    I don't think there's any benefit for LW to try to explain the feelings to the parents. Maybe the distaste for hugs is born from a cool childhood, but the parents don't remember it that way and aren't going to be suddenly understanding. Instead, LW can just say that they don't like hugging and offer a handshake or whatever LW prefers. Sure, the parents may be assholes about it, but I don't see how explaining the source of the feelings is going to change how they react. 

    in my mind, it's totally different from teaching little kids to decline hugs, etc. if they do not wish to be touched.  With children you're trying to teach them bodily autonomy and presumably prevent inappropriate touching.  I'm super supportive of that. 

    I just feel like in the case of this adult, it seems way more extreme than LW indicates in his letter.  He/she has a fine, if distant relationship with the parents.  He/she does not indicate that they were cruel or abusive or that he/she has this trepidation with others.  To me it seems more "they didn't do this when I was a kid, so I don't' want them to now" in a foot-stomping, almost pouty kind of way.  At least that's the way I read it.  And I think that's a little ridiculous for a 40 year old.  I may not be right, but that was my take.

  • Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Bodily autonomy and all that - don't hug anyone you don't' want to and don't let anyone touch you if you really don't want them to. 

    That being said,  I just feel like this is huge overreaction to a one, maybe two hugs per year (assuming typical behavior of a hug hello and a hug goodbye).  You can't take 8 seconds per year to hug your parents?  That seems way too extreme to me.

    I really dislike this take on it. It's the same thing people say when they force little kids to hug relatives. If you don't want to touch someone, you shouldn't be forced or guilted into it. Even if it's your parents, even if it's only 8 seconds per year. Not wanting to hug or be hugged is valid, and I don't think we shouldn't minimize those feelings.

    I don't think there's any benefit for LW to try to explain the feelings to the parents. Maybe the distaste for hugs is born from a cool childhood, but the parents don't remember it that way and aren't going to be suddenly understanding. Instead, LW can just say that they don't like hugging and offer a handshake or whatever LW prefers. Sure, the parents may be assholes about it, but I don't see how explaining the source of the feelings is going to change how they react. 

    in my mind, it's totally different from teaching little kids to decline hugs, etc. if they do not wish to be touched.  With children you're trying to teach them bodily autonomy and presumably prevent inappropriate touching.  I'm super supportive of that. 

    I just feel like in the case of this adult, it seems way more extreme than LW indicates in his letter.  He/she has a fine, if distant relationship with the parents.  He/she does not indicate that they were cruel or abusive or that he/she has this trepidation with others.  To me it seems more "they didn't do this when I was a kid, so I don't' want them to now" in a foot-stomping, almost pouty kind of way.  At least that's the way I read it.  And I think that's a little ridiculous for a 40 year old.  I may not be right, but that was my take.

    But anyone, regardless of the reason, has a right not to be touched in ways they don’t want. Full stop.

    It may mean uncomfortable conversations, or awkward exchanges but no one has to put up with touching they don’t want. 
  • Then LW need to use their words and tell the parents not to hug them, offer a hand shake and refuse a hug, or don't visit.  Mostly I just think this is such a non-issue i'm surprised it warranted a letter. 
  • Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Bodily autonomy and all that - don't hug anyone you don't' want to and don't let anyone touch you if you really don't want them to. 

    That being said,  I just feel like this is huge overreaction to a one, maybe two hugs per year (assuming typical behavior of a hug hello and a hug goodbye).  You can't take 8 seconds per year to hug your parents?  That seems way too extreme to me.

    I really dislike this take on it. It's the same thing people say when they force little kids to hug relatives. If you don't want to touch someone, you shouldn't be forced or guilted into it. Even if it's your parents, even if it's only 8 seconds per year. Not wanting to hug or be hugged is valid, and I don't think we shouldn't minimize those feelings.

    I don't think there's any benefit for LW to try to explain the feelings to the parents. Maybe the distaste for hugs is born from a cool childhood, but the parents don't remember it that way and aren't going to be suddenly understanding. Instead, LW can just say that they don't like hugging and offer a handshake or whatever LW prefers. Sure, the parents may be assholes about it, but I don't see how explaining the source of the feelings is going to change how they react. 

    in my mind, it's totally different from teaching little kids to decline hugs, etc. if they do not wish to be touched.  With children you're trying to teach them bodily autonomy and presumably prevent inappropriate touching.  I'm super supportive of that. 

    I just feel like in the case of this adult, it seems way more extreme than LW indicates in his letter.  He/she has a fine, if distant relationship with the parents.  He/she does not indicate that they were cruel or abusive or that he/she has this trepidation with others.  To me it seems more "they didn't do this when I was a kid, so I don't' want them to now" in a foot-stomping, almost pouty kind of way.  At least that's the way I read it.  And I think that's a little ridiculous for a 40 year old.  I may not be right, but that was my take.

    But that's exactly what I'm talking about. We teach children body autonomy so that they'll be adults with body autonomy.

    Not wanting to be hugged is valid. For anyone, for any reason. It's not for you or me or Prudie or the parents or anyone to say LW's feelings about not wanting to hug are too extreme or that their reasons are not good enough. 
  • Then don't hug them, this is not a difficult problem to solve.
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