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Wedding Woes

Tell Bro to pay for his own wedding

Since I'm spending my lunch hour reading Prudie anyway, I figured I'd post!


I make a good living and spend pretty frugally. I bought two homes by the time I was 30 (I rent one out) and drive the same car I had in college. I’ve been very lucky—and I haven’t dated since I was 19. I work like a dog. There are trade-offs. Four years ago, my stepfather had a heart attack while my stepsister was engaged. I paid for half of her wedding and her honeymoon (around $10,000). It was a gift, and I didn’t want my parents stressing out over anything more than my stepfather getting better. I am also close to my stepsister.

My half-brother is much younger than me and getting married to a girl he knew from high school. I don’t know either of them well. At a welcome brunch, his fiancée wanted to know how much I was going to give them for the wedding. My brother attempted to hush her, but this girl pushed on to tell the entire table I “owed” her a honeymoon and reception because I did the same for our sister. I was the “rich sister,” after all, and didn’t have a family of my own. She shut up after her own mother told her to be quiet, but it was an uncomfortable brunch.

Both my brother and the mother of the bride have personally apologized to me. I would be willing to let this go, but both my brother and his bride-to-be have obliquely begged for money on social media and via email. We used to talk once or twice a year, but since that brunch he has called me 10 times wanting to “catch up” (really to complain about wedding costs). I am not sure what to do. They haven’t straight-out asked me yet, but I am not giving either of them a red cent after that brunch. I will buy something on the registry, but the sister of the groom has no obligation to pay for the wedding (the bride’s family does). I know that her parents can’t afford this (my hometown is pretty poor), but I am never going to spend money on a spoiled brat who thinks I owe her a dream wedding. Should I play dumb? How should I proceed?
—Not a Fairy Godmother 

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Re: Tell Bro to pay for his own wedding

  • Oh I’d definitely play dumb. FSIL sounds super entitled are you’re under zero obligation to indulge her. 

    I’d forgive the brother because he seems embarrassed and did apologize, but I also wouldn’t be giving them anything other than what you’d normally give your sibling on their wedding. 
    short+sassylevioosaOurWildKingdomVarunaTT
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Bride's family doesn't owe them a wedding either LW - if they're old and responsible enough to get married, they're old and responsible to figure out how to pay for a wedding...

    Yea, I'd buy the mixer off the registry or a gift card for something on their honeymoon, but that's all that sibling is getting...  Her money, her choice in how she spends or doesn't spend it.  The FSSIL needs some lessons in tact and growing up time.  That said, LW is not obligated to help them out the same way and if anything have the adult mentoring conversation with her Brother PRIVATELY (without FSSIL) with no one else around that the situations are entirely different and let her feelings be known that she's not Sister's Bank & Trust and how off-putting it was because the Brother may really need a lesson in wealth accumulation to change his own situation for the future.  
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    short+sassyInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Good lord people are entitled.  Keep playing dumb, give them a gift of your choice and never speak of it again.
    MesmrEweei34
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You can keep bean dipping, play dumb OR just be truthful.   The only wrong thing to do is feel like your choices are the financial responsibility of others. 
    ei34
  • As an aside, the first thing Prudie's response called out was the LW's assumption that a bride's parents are responsible for her wedding.

    When the brother complains about the weddings costs, the LW should give him helpful financial advice on "ways to save"/"ways to cut costs".  With a special focus on just keeping their expenses down to what they can comfortably afford.  That the day will be just as happy without a champagne fountain and release of a 100 doves, lol.

    Don't go into debt/stress for a 1-day party.  And if that means a cake and punch reception at 2PM and/or a smaller, more intimate guest list, then so be it.

    All good advice anyway.  With the strong implication that LW is NOT contributing to this event.

    I wish I could say I'm shocked with the b.s., entitled attitudes some people have to the wallets of others.  But sadly, it's way too common.

    And the LW herself needs to stop with the "I've been very lucky" s**t.  No!!!!!  Hard work and sacrifice is hard work and sacrifice.  Not luck.  And calling it "luck", actually just a little bit plays back into that "oh the rich sister, she can afford it because she's been so blessed" attitude.

    I've occasionally had someone tell me I'm "lucky", in regards to what I've built up for myself in my personal and business life.  I know they mean it as a compliment, but I nicely and with a smile tell them, "Thank you, but it's not luck (haha)!  It's been a lot of blood, sweat and tears (insert a couple examples)."
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    OurWildKingdom
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I already see a divorce in brother’s future. 


    image
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    levioosa said:
    I already see a divorce in brother’s future. 
    As long as someone else will pay for the lawyer. 
    charlotte989875levioosaei34
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    As someone who choose not have have kids and lives a frugal lifestyle, I've had siblings make comments of me being rich.  I'm not looking forward to any entitlement when nephews and nieces grow up if this is any indication.  Just because people don't have a "family of their own" doesn't mean they have money to throw around.
    imageimage
    short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • kerbohl said:
    As someone who choose not have have kids and lives a frugal lifestyle, I've had siblings make comments of me being rich.  I'm not looking forward to any entitlement when nephews and nieces grow up if this is any indication.  Just because people don't have a "family of their own" doesn't mean they have money to throw around.
    Or they do have money to throw around...on themselves, lol ;)

    But seriously, I live frugally with a few luxuries thrown in because I'm just as happy living that way.  My big "eye on the prize" is building my real estate business large enough, that I can retire early from working for other people.  Because "time" is more valuable to me than "stuff".
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    ILoveBeachMusickerbohlOurWildKingdom
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    As an aside, the first thing Prudie's response called out was the LW's assumption that a bride's parents are responsible for her wedding.

    When the brother complains about the weddings costs, the LW should give him helpful financial advice on "ways to save"/"ways to cut costs".  With a special focus on just keeping their expenses down to what they can comfortably afford.  That the day will be just as happy without a champagne fountain and release of a 100 doves, lol.

    Don't go into debt/stress for a 1-day party.  And if that means a cake and punch reception at 2PM and/or a smaller, more intimate guest list, then so be it.

    All good advice anyway.  With the strong implication that LW is NOT contributing to this event.

    I wish I could say I'm shocked with the b.s., entitled attitudes some people have to the wallets of others.  But sadly, it's way too common.

    And the LW herself needs to stop with the "I've been very lucky" s**t.  No!!!!!  Hard work and sacrifice is hard work and sacrifice.  Not luck.  And calling it "luck", actually just a little bit plays back into that "oh the rich sister, she can afford it because she's been so blessed" attitude.

    I've occasionally had someone tell me I'm "lucky", in regards to what I've built up for myself in my personal and business life.  I know they mean it as a compliment, but I nicely and with a smile tell them, "Thank you, but it's not luck (haha)!  It's been a lot of blood, sweat and tears (insert a couple examples)."
    I actually love the saying "The harder and smarter I work the luckier I get!"...
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    short+sassy
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    kerbohl said:
    As someone who choose not have have kids and lives a frugal lifestyle, I've had siblings make comments of me being rich.  I'm not looking forward to any entitlement when nephews and nieces grow up if this is any indication.  Just because people don't have a "family of their own" doesn't mean they have money to throw around.
    Or they do have money to throw around...on themselves, lol ;)

    But seriously, I live frugally with a few luxuries thrown in because I'm just as happy living that way.  My big "eye on the prize" is building my real estate business large enough, that I can retire early from working for other people.  Because "time" is more valuable to me than "stuff".
    Yes!  Totally agree.  My plan is to switch to a part time job that is more fun, but generally the same kind of thing.  I've never really been big on stuff.
    imageimage
    short+sassy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    banana468 said:
    levioosa said:
    I already see a divorce in brother’s future. 
    As long as someone else will pay for the lawyer. 
    Pro bono
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