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Someone invited themselves to our wedding and it’s a complicated situation.

knottiee6733e720e9a6b5eknottiee6733e720e9a6b5e member
Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Someone invited herself to our wedding and it’s sort of a complicated situation. I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else run into this?

My aunt is officiating our wedding. Today, her friend we will call “Stacy” asked me for the wedding venue’s address. She said she and someone else are going to come to support my aunt because my aunt is a bit nervous about officiating the ceremony (she’s never done it before). I was caught very off guard and didn’t really know what to say. Stacy said “oh don’t worry we won’t come to the reception, we just want to sit at the back of the ceremony.” Well, the reception is happening at the same place as the ceremony. And Stacy lives 2+ hours away from the wedding. So she’s really expecting to drive 2+ to come for a 20 min ceremony and then drive home? I’m thinking not.
So I told her ok. Like clearly uncomfortable.  And off guard. Because we were in the middle of a party and she just came by while I was talking to someone. Just quickly said what she wanted to say and then left. If I had a couple minutes to think or If she actually ASKED me, I would have explained and told her I don’t think it’s a good idea. 
She’s a really, really nice lady but we simply don’t have the room. We already invited more people than we wanted and we have already blown our wedding budget. We’re trying everything to cut costs right now. 
Also, I do not think my aunt knows Stacy did this. 
How can I undo this? Do I just let her come and when the day comes, not invite her to join for the reception? That’s going to be a very awkward situation for us AND my aunt. 

Also, I know it’s somewhat common for someone to invite themselves to the ceremony and not attend the reception. More common in my parents generation, though. I’d be totally fine with it If she lived in the area. But this is a different situation since I know she’s driving 2+ hours to attend the ceremony. And I feel I’ll be forced to invite her to join us at the reception. 

Thanks for any advice!!!!
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Re: Someone invited themselves to our wedding and it’s a complicated situation.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd first call your aunt and clarify whether she invited this woman. I'd also reassure her that you believe she'll do a good job and trust her good faith.

    I also assume that you are not marrying in a house of worship that is open to the entire congregation, because if that's the case, you can't place any restrictions on ceremony attendance.

    One question I have is whether your aunt is part of a social unit with this woman. Is she married or in a relationship with someone else? If she is, hopefully you invited them together. If the other person is this woman, then you need to accept her presence not only at the ceremony but also at the reception. And if the third person is part of a social unit with them, that person must also be included at the ceremony and reception. And even if your aunt is not part of a social unit, it would be a kindness to allow her to bring someone as her plus-one for the occasion (although this isn't required).

    Otherwise, you are not required to welcome Stacy or her friend at any part of your wedding. You can tell her, "I'm sorry, but only invited guests can be accommodated at the ceremony or the reception. Unfortunately, it is not possible for us to extend you and your friend an invitation."
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Definitely talk to your aunt. Maybe this is just a misunderstanding. You can tell her that you don't have room for them at the reception. If they want to drive 2+ hours for a 20 minute ceremony, that's on them and you don't have to worry about it.
    Personally, I would probably try to find space for them, but you don't have to.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What an awkward situation. I wonder if this friend understands that the wedding ceremony is at the same place the reception is at? Jen is right that if it were at a church, you wouldn't be able to stop her from coming. But that's not the case here. 

    I'd first have a conversation with the aunt to see if she knows her friend invited herself. And then I'd reach out to this friend to tell her that you won't have room for her at the reception. 
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  • knottiee6733e720e9a6b5eknottiee6733e720e9a6b5e member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    edited June 2019
    Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I seriously appreciate our thoughts. 
    @Jen4948 , yes you’re correct, it isn’t a house of worship. And my aunt is married with kids, and the whole family is invited.
    @missJeanLouise, thank you, that’s true, it’s her deal If she wants to do that. And yes, I want to make room for her, it feels so against my nature to say she can’t come to the reception. But at the same time, many more people have been added after the first guest list we made and gave to our vendors, and I want to draw a line. 
    Thank you, also, @climbingwife. Since all 3 of you suggested I talk to my aunt, I think I’ll do that. I think she’d want me to tell her Stacy is coming, anyway. I’ll think on this a bit more, though. If we have a lot of people who can’t come, it would be fine to offer a friendly invitation once she’s there. 

    Thanks again!! It’s good to hear different perspectives. 
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