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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Is it okay to not have grandparents at a ceremony?
My finace and I are getting married at a venue that only allows 20 people (including me, my fiance, photographer, and officiator). I have 4 siblings with 2 of them having significant others, and i have 4 parents also. My fiance has 2 siblings with one of them having a significant other and he has 2 parents joining. So we have met our 20 person limit with just parents and siblings. Is it rude of us to not invite grandparents when we will be having a reception that they can celebrate with us at? My mom is having a hard time accepting the fact that my grandpa is not invited. She's not understanding the rule of only 20 people and wants my grandpa to sit at the top of the hill and watch us get married if he can't join down where we'll be. I just need other thought on this.
Best Answers
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OurWildKingdom
member
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MobKaz
member
Why would you select and pay for a venue BEFORE thinking about your guest list?
Personally, I would find it rude and hurtful. My thought is that you have no choice and trying to get strangers to help you justify your mistake would not soothe the feelings of your mother or grandparents. To answer your question, it would NOT be OK with me.
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levioosa
member
knottied554887ace1d2dc4 said:WERE HAVING A CIVIL CEREMONY. & I had stated in my first post that unfortunately I do have a lot of siblings and my parents are divorced which means even more parents combined with him. Unfortunately parents and siblings take priority over trying to accommodate grandparents. We don't have much money for a real wedding ceremony so we're doing a small Civil Service to get married. The reception is an I DO BBQ that we'll be doing with ppl to celebrate the fact that we got married. Everyone on this post is acting like I'm putting friends above my grandparent. FYI people do get eloped and have small ceremonies without grandparents and aunts and uncles, so I was seeing if I was the only one with the predicament and how to deal with it. The reason we choose our spot is because it has meaning to our relationship and it was this spot or Vegas. It is a city order that only 20 people can attend. This count also includes me, my fiancé, the officiator, and photographer. So 4 people already with siblings and parents.... little hard to squeeze 6 grandparents in as well. A lot of people on this site are EXTREMELY rude.
You asked a question. Just because you don’t like the answers doesn’t mean we’re the rude ones. If you’re prioritizing the location over your family then own up to it. Why didn’t you think about your VIPs before you booked the venue? This all could have been avoided. If I was your grandparents, I would be hurt, and “watching from a distance” would be insulting. If you’re at all close I would change your plans. If you’re not, then move on. I personally don’t give a hoot if my paternal grandmother attends my wedding, but I definitely want my maternal grandparents are there and I would completely regret shutting them out for a pretty location.knottied554887ace1d2dc4 said:hmmm, do you come from money to accept a lost on payment?
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charlotte989875
member
It’s totally fine to elope; it’s totally fine to invite only a few people; it’s fine not to invite certain people. You get to decide who you invite to your wedding.
You asked for perspectives and many people here gave you theirs; you don’t have to agree, you can and should do what is right for you and your FI. What a lot of people are saying though is to consider the ramifications of those choices. You can do whatever you want to, but your family can also feel however they want to about that choice and that might not be how you want them to feel.
Re: Is it okay to not have grandparents at a ceremony?
But like I said, everyone's relationships are different. If you don't really care about your grandparents and don't have a relationship with them, you're free to tell your mother no and not invite them. I just wouldn't expect that they'd be willing to show up to a party after the fact.
Booking a venue before making a basic VIP guest count, yes, it's rude not to invite your living grandparents unless there's a viable legitimate reason. Because you're limited to 20 people is not a viable, legitimate reason! (My grandfather was the only living grandparent when I got married - he and I hadn't spoken in YEARS at that point because of legitimate reasons, he was still invited just as all of the rest of our guest list was invited.)
Next, excluding people from the ceremony and inviting them to a reception is B-listing people and also extremely rude! People are there to see you get married and will attend the wedding ceremony and skip the reception long before they'll go to the reception and skip the wedding. It comes across as gift grabby and impersonal to not invite people to the ceremony!
We don't know the dynamics of your family, and you’re free to invite anyone/not invite anyone, you want but I’d caution you to think about the consequences of your decision here. I would have given anything to have any of my grandparents (or Hs grandparents) at our wedding. For me no venue would be more important than having them there.
With that said, it sounds like there will be a lot of fall out if you all don't invite grandparents. Your choices are to eat the deposit and pick a new venue that can fit everyone. Or keep the venue, don't invite the grandparents to either the ceremony or reception, and accept there will be fall out and bad feelings.
To be fair, I don't know the relationship you or your FI have with your respective grandparents, so I'm not going to judge. If it isn't that close and it's NBD to you all if they aren't there, then keep the current venue and keep rinsing/repeating to your mom something like, "I know you're disappointed I'm not inviting my grandparents. But we are only inviting parents/siblings."
Also, you should not be hosting a reception for people you excluded from the ceremony. You reception is a thank you to your guests for attending you ceremony.
Use the "significant to you" venue that you're limited to 20 people for with only you, FI, and the photographer for "special" pictures... It's not unusual for Brides & Grooms to pay for a place to have a private photo shoot! So you don't have to eat the cost without ever using the space, it just won't be the site of your ceremony because "IT'S A CIVIL CEREMONY" is still rude to not invite everyone, so have your civil ceremony at your reception venue with all of your guests!
First: people elope, they don't GET eloped. Second: eloping is getting married in a secret ceremony - aka - only you and your fiancé know it's happening and attend. Typically followed by marriage announcements.
Just a pet peeve of mine when people think elope=small wedding and want to clarify for others who may be reading.
I would also cancel the booking and eat the lost deposit.
People can do what they want at their own wedding, but their decisions have consequences.