We've been together 14 years, this January he proposed. The next morning we went to tell our families. After figuring that venue were too expensive, and after his parents offered a couple of times, we decided to do the whole thing on their back deck(huge) and backyard (not much bigger than the deck tbh).
The guest list started at 30. His mom decided it needed to be closer to 60. Then it went down to 20. Then 32. Now it's back up to about 44. My family is 4x the size of his, so since his side went up to 20 so did mine. Well, the reason it was down so far is that we decided (for cost and basically we're antisocial) we only wanted to invite people WE ACTUALLY TALK TO. Specifically within the last year. By doing this we left out his mom's siblings (whom she had already invited and neither of us has spoken to in two or three years and last time was at a funeral), as well as most of MY SIBLINGS. (half-siblings, 20 years old than me who im not close to)
All last year we've been talking about what we wanted and didn't before we were technically engaged. He wanted me and him at a courthouse. I wanted my close family. It took me months to convince him his parents should even come to a courthouse wedding. I now have learned I should have kept my mouth shut.
Long story short, I don't want this wedding. Two weeks after the engagement I was done with the whole thing. He doesn't want to talk about the wedding, and when i do he's annoyed. He doesn't know what he wants when I ask him, he only knows he wants to do what is "expected". Not because it'll make him happy, but because its the right thing to do. We don't have our own home, and because he insists on buying some fancy tables he found we're spending 800$ just on tables! Let alone everything else.
We can't afford this, the stress is quite literally killing me, can't sleep panic attacks, my period was late and i'll bet it was from the stress of it all, I can't focus on school, I ended up rage quitting my job, literally its too much and I feel alone in this whole thing. Its june 20 and the wedding is supposed to be sep 14 and i havent sent out one invitation, because Im just hoping everyone will forget about it, and it'll all just pass over. I've tried to convince him to just have a couple people (we have 2 couple from out of town that have already made flight etc) and a small dinner and move on with life, but he wants to proceed as planned as to not let people down.
Im at the point of, how do I cancel this wedding, without losing my relationship?
P.S. he probably sounds like trash from this rant, but is honestly the best guy in every other aspect.