Wedding Woes


We've been together 14 years, this January he proposed. The next morning we went to tell our families. After figuring that venue were too expensive, and after his parents offered a couple of times, we decided to do the whole thing on their back deck(huge) and backyard (not much bigger than the deck tbh).

The guest list started at 30. His mom decided it needed to be closer to 60. Then it went down to 20. Then 32. Now it's back up to about 44. My family is 4x the size of his, so since his side went up to 20 so did mine. Well, the reason it was down so far is that we decided (for cost and basically we're antisocial) we only wanted to invite people WE ACTUALLY TALK TO. Specifically within the last year. By doing this we left out his mom's siblings (whom she had already invited and neither of us has spoken to in two or three years and last time was at a funeral), as well as most of MY SIBLINGS. (half-siblings, 20 years old than me who im not close to)

All last year we've been talking about what we wanted and didn't before we were technically engaged. He wanted me and him at a courthouse. I wanted my close family. It took me months to convince him his parents should even come to a courthouse wedding. I now have learned I should have kept my mouth shut.

Long story short, I don't want this wedding. Two weeks after the engagement I was done with the whole thing. He doesn't want to talk about the wedding, and when i do he's annoyed. He doesn't know what he wants when I ask him, he only knows he wants to do what is "expected". Not because it'll make him happy, but because its the right thing to do. We don't have our own home, and because he insists on buying some fancy tables he found we're spending 800$ just on tables! Let alone everything else. 

We can't afford this, the stress is quite literally killing me, can't sleep panic attacks, my period was late and i'll bet it was from the stress of it all, I can't focus on school, I ended up rage quitting my job, literally its too much and I feel alone in this whole thing. Its june 20 and the wedding is supposed to be sep 14 and i havent sent out one invitation, because Im just hoping everyone will forget about it, and it'll all just pass over.  I've tried to convince him to just have a couple people (we have 2 couple from out of town that have already made flight etc) and a small dinner and move on with life, but he wants to proceed as planned as to not let people down.

Im at the point of, how do I cancel this wedding, without losing my relationship?

P.S. he probably sounds like trash from this rant, but is honestly the best guy in every other aspect.


  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2019
      STEP AWAY FROM THE WEDDING PLANNING!  Have a well worth every bite cupcake and beverage and step away from all that is planning this wedding and take the bridal blinders off for a while.  

    First - remember, people plan full fledged funerals in three days using many of the same vendors.  An event for 20, go to a local restaurant.  Many Perkins Restaurants even have a separate room, there's bound to be one in your local area.  The best part, you get to cap the time the reception will last this way and, you can keep the budget in check because if 20 people order the most expensive thing on the menu, you're out maybe $20 each.  AND, no dance, no DJ, cake, etc. that you need to arrange.  There are other restaurants in your area that you can book out a space for 20-60 without breaking the bank and you won't have to lift a finger in the planning other than telling them your budget for the meal and let them take it from there.  The local Rotary meets somewhere, and every place that a group like that will meet offers a budget friendly option with dessert.  But also, there are a lot of logistical issues with having it at someone's house vs. renting the hotel breakfast room at the local hotel for a Cake & Punch Reception (i.e. during a non-meal time and done before a meal time)..  Or, have it catered by Domino's or Pizza Hut or Famous Dave's or Jimmy John's or your local grocery store deli.  Even our local Chinese Restaurant has "Catered event for 40, 60, 100 people" options. You're overcomplicating something that you can delegate 100% out.  You don't need fancy nor expensive to have a great time even if you're "anti-social"That doesn't mean your wedding has to turn into the family reunion, it just means that you're overthinking how much a Nesco with some ham/turkey and buns with a veggie tray, cake from Sam's or Costco, and some coolers of beverages is going to cost to feed 60.  "Open House" doesn't mean you have to have a fully catered french meal, people just need a place to be free from the elements if it rains or is oppressively hot to sit with a plate of (proper for the time of day i.e. a meal at meal time) food.  

    My point is, you're trying to do things yourself that is stressing you the heck out instead of focusing on the one thing you really do need to be focusing on, and that is the planning the MARRIAGE.  With all couples on here, we HIGHLY recommend marriage prep classes/sessions with a Marriage and Family Counselor (most offer this as a package and of ANY money you spend on getting married is probably the best investment of it all!) or if you/your family is linked with a faith community they will often offer this service to couples getting married even not in the parish/etc..  The reason being, think of the planning process as a metaphor for marriage.  You are going to have far more difficult things to decide in life than sides being equal instead of realizing it's not tit for tat on how many guests each "side" gets.  If your family is 4x bigger, you draw your line (Aunts/Uncles/First Cousins, Aunts/Uncles only, etc.) for both families.  Invites don't need to go out until August for an event mid-September (4-6 weeks before for a casual event).  Also, just print them on a folded 8.5x11 folded sheet of paper (you'll be out all of $30 after materials and postage for something that all but 4-6 will be tossed in the trash). The phone works both ways, you can communicate with these people, sometimes in families funerals are the only time everyone gets together until someone finally says "enough of this we're having a cousin's reunion at the local park shelter every other year or every third year."  But really, you and your FI NEED to do some premarital counseling because you have different methods of discussing/decision making on things like this that will become heck on earth if you don't find common ground BEFORE getting married.  This WILL leech into other areas from housekeeping to replacing a vehicle or water heater.  Having/not having kids, how you believe parenting should be done if you do have kids (or even pets), etc.  Every cent in premarital counseling will come back to you multi-fold later on!

    ETA: We did a full service 2-meat buffet meal with dessert buffet without skipping anything linen service/centerpieces from Sam's Club, etc. for 60 for a total budget of <$3000 for my parent's 50th Anniversary.  Nice and relaxing doesn't have to be expensive!  
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  • Thank you all for the advice. It is really really appreciated

    We had a budget, we had a list, we had a plan we were happy with. The problem was when we started to share with people who were so excited to know and started to take too much advice, care about too many feelings, and let too many people influence me. He stands his ground, I'm the people pleaser. I should have just let him exclude his family from the wedding to start with and it would have been so much easier. live and learn

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