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Etiquette

Is it okay to not have grandparents at a ceremony?

My finace and I are getting married at a venue that only allows 20 people (including me, my fiance, photographer, and officiator). I have 4 siblings with 2 of them having significant others, and i have 4 parents also. My fiance has 2 siblings with one of them having a significant other and he has 2 parents joining. So we have met our 20 person limit with just parents and siblings. Is it rude of us to not invite grandparents when we will be having a reception that they can celebrate with us at? My mom is having a hard time accepting the fact that my grandpa is not invited. She's not understanding the rule of only 20 people and wants my grandpa to sit at the top of the hill and watch us get married if he can't join down where we'll be. I just need other thought on this. 

Best Answers

Re: Is it okay to not have grandparents at a ceremony?

  • ALSO, my mom has it in her mind that if her fiance steps down, my grandpa can take his spot so we don't exceed the count. I tried explaining that I can't invite one grandparent and not have the others go. It's not fair. 
  • our venue is paid for, that's not an option
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My finace and I are getting married at a venue that only allows 20 people (including me, my fiance, photographer, and officiator). I have 4 siblings with 2 of them having significant others, and i have 4 parents also. My fiance has 2 siblings with one of them having a significant other and he has 2 parents joining. So we have met our 20 person limit with just parents and siblings. Is it rude of us to not invite grandparents when we will be having a reception that they can celebrate with us at? My mom is having a hard time accepting the fact that my grandpa is not invited. She's not understanding the rule of only 20 people and wants my grandpa to sit at the top of the hill and watch us get married if he can't join down where we'll be. I just need other thought on this. 
    ALSO, my mom has it in her mind that if her fiance steps down, my grandpa can take his spot so we don't exceed the count. I tried explaining that I can't invite one grandparent and not have the others go. It's not fair. 
    our venue is paid for, that's not an option
    JIC 


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    MesmrEwe
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You suck it up and accept your payment is lost while you find a new venue that will allow everyone to be invited to your ceremony and reception.  No one cares if they have to sit at their dinner table to watch you get married instead of having a second venue for a private ceremony.  So problem solved since you're having a wedding reception where everyone is invited including ALL of the grandparents!  

    Booking a venue before making a basic VIP guest count, yes, it's rude not to invite your living grandparents unless there's a viable legitimate reason.  Because you're limited to 20 people is not a viable, legitimate reason!  (My grandfather was the only living grandparent when I got married - he and I hadn't spoken in YEARS at that point because of legitimate reasons, he was still invited just as all of the rest of our guest list was invited.) 

    Next, excluding people from the ceremony and inviting them to a reception is B-listing people and also extremely rude!  People are there to see you get married and will attend the wedding ceremony and skip the reception long before they'll go to the reception and skip the wedding.  It comes across as gift grabby and impersonal to not invite people to the ceremony!  
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  • Aside from the fact that your grandparents will be hurt they’re not invited, it sounds like your mother will also be upset they’re not invited. 

    We don't know the dynamics of your family, and you’re free to invite anyone/not invite anyone, you want but I’d caution you to think about the consequences of your decision here. I would have given anything to have any of my grandparents (or Hs grandparents) at our wedding. For me no venue would be more important than having them there. 
    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • Technically, it isn't rude to not give grandparents an invitation to a wedding.  However, it would be rude to then invite them to the reception.  For any guest, it's both or none.  Because the purpose of a reception is to thank the guest for attending the ceremony.

    With that said, it sounds like there will be a lot of fall out if you all don't invite grandparents.  Your choices are to eat the deposit and pick a new venue that can fit everyone.  Or keep the venue, don't invite the grandparents to either the ceremony or reception, and accept there will be fall out and bad feelings.

    To be fair, I don't know the relationship you or your FI have with your respective grandparents, so I'm not going to judge.  If it isn't that close and it's NBD to you all if they aren't there, then keep the current venue and keep rinsing/repeating to your mom something like, "I know you're disappointed I'm not inviting my grandparents. But we are only inviting parents/siblings." 
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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I truly don't understand why you would choose a venue like this. My brother is getting married this weekend, and my gma passed away recently. I would do anything to have her there. It's the first big event in our family without her. Another vote for you'll regret this. 

    Also, you should not be hosting a reception for people you excluded from the ceremony. You reception is a thank you to your guests for attending you ceremony. 

    OurWildKingdomMesmrEwecharlotte989875aisfora86
  • WERE HAVING A CIVIL CEREMONY. & I had stated in my first post that unfortunately I do have a lot of siblings and my parents are divorced which means even more parents combined with him. Unfortunately parents and siblings take priority over trying to accommodate grandparents. We don't have much money for a real wedding ceremony so we're doing a small Civil Service to get married. The reception is an I DO BBQ that we'll be doing with ppl to celebrate the fact that we got married. Everyone on this post is acting like I'm putting friends above my grandparent. FYI people do get eloped and have small ceremonies without grandparents and aunts and uncles, so I was seeing if I was the only one with the predicament and how to deal with it. The reason we choose our spot is because it has meaning to our relationship and it was this spot or Vegas. It is a city order that only 20 people can attend. This count also includes me, my fiancé, the officiator,  and photographer. So 4 people already with siblings and parents.... little hard to squeeze 6 grandparents in as well. A lot of people on this site are EXTREMELY rude.
  • hmmm, do you come from money to accept a lost on payment?
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    hmmm, do you come from money to accept a lost on payment?
    You already have the reception venue large enough for everyone and you, your siblings, officiant, photographer, all sets of parents, AND Grandparents, AND All of the remaining guests you are originally planning to B-list. 

    Use the "significant to you" venue that you're limited to 20 people for with only you, FI, and the photographer for "special" pictures...  It's not unusual for Brides & Grooms to pay for a place to have a private photo shoot!  So you don't have to eat the cost without ever using the space, it just won't be the site of your ceremony because "IT'S A CIVIL CEREMONY" is still rude to not invite everyone, so have your civil ceremony at your reception venue with all of your guests!
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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    WERE HAVING A CIVIL CEREMONY. & I had stated in my first post that unfortunately I do have a lot of siblings and my parents are divorced which means even more parents combined with him. Unfortunately parents and siblings take priority over trying to accommodate grandparents. We don't have much money for a real wedding ceremony so we're doing a small Civil Service to get married. The reception is an I DO BBQ that we'll be doing with ppl to celebrate the fact that we got married. Everyone on this post is acting like I'm putting friends above my grandparent. FYI people do get eloped and have small ceremonies without grandparents and aunts and uncles, so I was seeing if I was the only one with the predicament and how to deal with it. The reason we choose our spot is because it has meaning to our relationship and it was this spot or Vegas. It is a city order that only 20 people can attend. This count also includes me, my fiancé, the officiator,  and photographer. So 4 people already with siblings and parents.... little hard to squeeze 6 grandparents in as well. A lot of people on this site are EXTREMELY rude.
    hmmm, do you come from money to accept a lost on payment?
    Once again, it’s not rude to get answers that you don’t like. It sounds like your vision of this spot is more important to you than having everyone there. Then own your decision. But don’t be surprised when there are hurt feelings and when you regret it in the long run. 


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Why did you book this venue without checking to see if it could hold everyone you wanted to invite?

    I would also cancel the booking and eat the lost deposit.
    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Simple. Get married at your reception. Fixed.
    BUT BUT - BRIDAL BLINDER VISION!!!  
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