Pre-wedding Parties

Need Advice ASAP

Hey all, 

I need advice about my current situation, as it’s keeping me up at night... literally.
One of my best friends is getting married and as much as I love her, she is not a considerate bride. The talk about her bachelorette has started, and she wants a destination bachelorette. Mind you, she’s already having a destination wedding. Neither her or her MOH have asked any of us where our budgets are for any of this. She wants flights to PHX, AirbNb with pool, etc and just her bachelorette party alone will put me in the hole $1,100. Also, she’s forgotten that there is me and another bridesmaid who’s husbands are in the wedding party as well. The groom also wants a destination bachelor party estimating about $1,500 to LA. This obviously doesn’t include dresses, tux, alterations, shoes, bridal shower, wedding accommodations, etc. Her expectation is roughly $3k for my husband and I to be a part of their day, and quite frankly I’m not sure I can justify the money. It makes me feel like a bad friend. And it’s not that I don’t want to be there at her bachelorette (even though she’s my only friend out of the bunch, so there’s that). I just find it quite selfish that the expectation is so high and that no one has cared about our finances. When I got married last year, we put our wedding party first. This bride was in my wedding party, and had a pink bridesmaid dress in one of the colors I was thinking about from a previous wedding. I ended up choosing the pink that she already had a dress in so she wouldn’t have to buy another dress. I felt like that would make me an asshole to choose the other light pink shade. I asked all my bridesmaids what their budgets were and we worked around that for the bachelorette. I wanted a beach weekend in like Santa Cruz or Monterey and ended up forgoing a weekend and having 1 night out locally like 10 minutes from my house in order to accommodate my friends and not put them in a financial strain to celebrate my day. I bought all my own bachelorette decorations, games, and prizes. I chose and booked the hotel. I even pitched in for the Uber rides and a pole dancing class that they dropped the ball on and couldn’t book. My mom bought snacks and champagne for the room. My bridesmaids in total spent $150 on my bachelorette party per person, bought a dress, alterations, and spent money on wedding accommodations, which many of them split 4 ways and shared rooms. This bride didn’t help with my shower, showed up late even, DIYs, and didn’t even show up early enough the day before my wedding to help set up anything. She waltz in when we were all done setting up the reception. Like I said, I truly love her, but I guess it’s really hard for me because I wouldn’t and didn’t ask my bridesmaids to do any of the things she’s asking us to do and so therefore, I find it selfish and hurtful that she or her MOH haven’t cared at all about being considerate towards the group. 

Help! I don’t want to back out of the bachelorette, I don’t want drama, but I want her to know how I feel, what it’s truly going to cost, and hopefully enlighten her. I feel bad that I’m kinda wishing that this whole destination bachelorette falls apart and we stay more local. 

Re: Need Advice ASAP

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hey all, 

    I need advice about my current situation, as it’s keeping me up at night... literally.
    One of my best friends is getting married and as much as I love her, she is not a considerate bride. The talk about her bachelorette has started, and she wants a destination bachelorette. Mind you, she’s already having a destination wedding. Neither her or her MOH have asked any of us where our budgets are for any of this. She wants flights to PHX, AirbNb with pool, etc and just her bachelorette party alone will put me in the hole $1,100. Also, she’s forgotten that there is me and another bridesmaid who’s husbands are in the wedding party as well. The groom also wants a destination bachelor party estimating about $1,500 to LA. This obviously doesn’t include dresses, tux, alterations, shoes, bridal shower, wedding accommodations, etc. Her expectation is roughly $3k for my husband and I to be a part of their day, and quite frankly I’m not sure I can justify the money. It makes me feel like a bad friend. And it’s not that I don’t want to be there at her bachelorette (even though she’s my only friend out of the bunch, so there’s that). I just find it quite selfish that the expectation is so high and that no one has cared about our finances. When I got married last year, we put our wedding party first. This bride was in my wedding party, and had a pink bridesmaid dress in one of the colors I was thinking about from a previous wedding. I ended up choosing the pink that she already had a dress in so she wouldn’t have to buy another dress. I felt like that would make me an asshole to choose the other light pink shade. I asked all my bridesmaids what their budgets were and we worked around that for the bachelorette. I wanted a beach weekend in like Santa Cruz or Monterey and ended up forgoing a weekend and having 1 night out locally like 10 minutes from my house in order to accommodate my friends and not put them in a financial strain to celebrate my day. I bought all my own bachelorette decorations, games, and prizes. I chose and booked the hotel. I even pitched in for the Uber rides and a pole dancing class that they dropped the ball on and couldn’t book. My mom bought snacks and champagne for the room. My bridesmaids in total spent $150 on my bachelorette party per person, bought a dress, alterations, and spent money on wedding accommodations, which many of them split 4 ways and shared rooms. This bride didn’t help with my shower, showed up late even, DIYs, and didn’t even show up early enough the day before my wedding to help set up anything. She waltz in when we were all done setting up the reception. Like I said, I truly love her, but I guess it’s really hard for me because I wouldn’t and didn’t ask my bridesmaids to do any of the things she’s asking us to do and so therefore, I find it selfish and hurtful that she or her MOH haven’t cared at all about being considerate towards the group. 

    Help! I don’t want to back out of the bachelorette, I don’t want drama, but I want her to know how I feel, what it’s truly going to cost, and hopefully enlighten her. I feel bad that I’m kinda wishing that this whole destination bachelorette falls apart and we stay more local. 
    Respectfully, what you did or did not do for your own wedding does not factor in to this situation.  You made choices, and now friend is making choices. 

    Her desires for these pre-wedding events are NOT mandatory.  You are under NO obligation to attend these events, or spend beyond your means.  You have no choice but be honest.  The decision is whether you choose to be honest with yourself or friend.  I would rather be honest with myself and husband, and tell friend you cannot attend bachelorette as planned because the finances are too extreme.  The other option is to move forward with friend's plans, spend a fortune, and harbor resentment.  You already harbor some from your own wedding.  I would not add to it.  Drama will occur regardless, so make the choice that doesn't break your bank and add to your resentment. 

    Some people will never be open to "enlightenment."
    short+sassyei34
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Another vote for leaving your wedding out of this. Yes, you did the right thing by asking your friends for a budget. However, your bridal party are in no way obligated to help you set up for your wedding! You expecting this of your BP is way out of line, and you should not be holding this against your friend. 

    Tell you friend that you won't be able to afford the bach party. You're not obligated to attend. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. 

    banana468MyNameIsNotcharlotte989875ei34
  • It's ok to say no.  Just tell the bride you cannot swing the weekend trip, but would love to take her out for drinks locally (if that's something you want to do). You could also just decline the invitation when it arrives.  

    If/when you talk to the bride, do not bring up your own wedding at all.  

    short+sassyei34
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited July 2019
    Nobody gets to reach into my pocket and spend my money!  Well, sometimes the government, lol.

    But that's the same feeling you and your H need to have.  Sure the trips sounds fun!  Sure you all would like to go and, yes, your respective friends want you all to go also.  However, wants are not needs and there is nothing wrong at all with saying, "Friend(s), as much as we'd like to go to your bach. party(ies).  A destination bach. party, especially on top of the destination wedding, is just way out of our budget/financial comfort zone."

    And you all shouldn't feel any guilt about that either.  Hopefully, even if they are disappointed, your all's friends will understand that.  But, if they don't and/or get mad...weeellll, that would be exceedingly sh***y of them and I'd start looking at that friendship with different eyes.

    Think about it this way.  If you and your H wanted to blow over $2500 on a vacation, would you all rather a) go to these separate parties at a destination of your friend(s) choosing or b) go on a romantic trip together to a fab destination of your all's choosing?  That would be a really easy decision for me to make, lol.

    Or anything else you all would rather do with $2500.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Casadenaei34
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd just tell her that unfortunately, anything beyond $X is outside your budget and leave it at that.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards