Removing a bridesmaid

knottie538896dd28970d1f · August 2019

HELP! So we are 88 days out from my wedding and I am really having issues with one of my bridesmaids. She was at my proposal, so it was just kind of unspoken that she would also be a bm.. I have only known for her about a year and a half. I'm at a total loss. It genuinely feels like she's only continued to be my friend because of this wedding. She puts down or finds something wrong with every single one of my ideas which is very frustrating. She can be very self-involved and if something isn't how she wants it she definitley makes it known (often to one of my other bridesmaids whom I've known 10+ years, so she obviously tells me). We had my bachelorette party last weekend and she would just try and make every topic about her or would complain about stuff that didn't even matter. It was almost uncomfortable for me and felt forced to have her there. I feel like we are just majorly growing apart, and as I said I don't think we would still have much of a relationship if it weren't for the wedding. The whole thing is just making me sick and I genuinely don't know if I should just stick it out or ask her to step down. I don't want someone temporary in all of my wedding photos and up there with me on my big day.

banana468 · August 2019

knottie538896dd28970d1f said:

HELP! So we are 88 days out from my wedding and I am really having issues with one of my bridesmaids. She was at my proposal, so it was just kind of unspoken that she would also be a bm.. I have only known for her about a year and a half. I'm at a total loss. It genuinely feels like she's only continued to be my friend because of this wedding. She puts down or finds something wrong with every single one of my ideas which is very frustrating. She can be very self-involved and if something isn't how she wants it she definitley makes it known (often to one of my other bridesmaids whom I've known 10+ years, so she obviously tells me). We had my bachelorette party last weekend and she would just try and make every topic about her or would complain about stuff that didn't even matter. It was almost uncomfortable for me and felt forced to have her there. I feel like we are just majorly growing apart, and as I said I don't think we would still have much of a relationship if it weren't for the wedding. The whole thing is just making me sick and I genuinely don't know if I should just stick it out or ask her to step down. I don't want someone temporary in all of my wedding photos and up there with me on my big day.

Have you talked to this person about the friendship and possibly any issues that you two are having?

IMO, if you want to not have this BM in you need to know that removing her removes the friendship and then that burden is on you that you'd bear the responsibility of ending it. Furthermore, should you end it, you would owe her for any expenses she's incurred thus far such as any clothing or jewelry purchased and any nonrefundable deposits made (such as if there's something booked or a hotel).

IMO, this is a last resort and shouldn't be because at nearly 3 months from your wedding you think that there's a strain on the friendship. And don't do it because you are not sure how you want your wedding photos to be. Both are pretty shallow answers.

climbingsingle · August 2019

knottie538896dd28970d1f said:

HELP! So we are 88 days out from my wedding and I am really having issues with one of my bridesmaids. She was at my proposal, so it was just kind of unspoken that she would also be a bm.. I have only known for her about a year and a half. I'm at a total loss. It genuinely feels like she's only continued to be my friend because of this wedding. She puts down or finds something wrong with every single one of my ideas which is very frustrating. She can be very self-involved and if something isn't how she wants it she definitley makes it known (often to one of my other bridesmaids whom I've known 10+ years, so she obviously tells me). We had my bachelorette party last weekend and she would just try and make every topic about her or would complain about stuff that didn't even matter. It was almost uncomfortable for me and felt forced to have her there. I feel like we are just majorly growing apart, and as I said I don't think we would still have much of a relationship if it weren't for the wedding. The whole thing is just making me sick and I genuinely don't know if I should just stick it out or ask her to step down. I don't want someone temporary in all of my wedding photos and up there with me on my big day.

So, just because someone was at your proposal doesn't automatically mean they have to be in your wedding party. Especially if it's someone you don't know very well.

Removing her from your BP will most definitely end the friendship. Are you prepared for that?

I agree that it's pretty mean/rude to remove a BP member because you just seem to not like her. Ultimately, you asked her to be a bridesmaid, and it doesn't seem like she's really done anything to warrant being kicked out.

downtondiva · August 2019

Since the wedding is so close, I suggest that you just stick it out and avoid the drama of removing her. Keep her strictly on a need-to-know basis with anything involving the wedding. Try your best to ignore her complaining and so forth. After the wedding, it's up to you whether you try to work on the friendship or start distancing yourself from her. If you remove her from the wedding party, that will most likely end the friendship once and for all, and you won't have those options.

As far as the photos go...I know this will sound harsh, but there's no guarantee that you'll be close with everyone in your bridal party for the rest of your life. No matter how close you are to someone at the time of your wedding, you may still find yourself saying "Whatever happened to them?" 20 years later. So the idea of having "someone temporary" in your wedding pictures is not a good reason to remove them.

charlotte989875 · August 2019

I guess it really depends on whether you ever want to be friends with this woman in the future. Kicking someone out is a big thing and pretty rude IMO, unless they’ve done something really horrible. If that’s the case then tell her she won’t be in the wedding and reimburse her for whatever costs she’s already paid.

But that seems like a lot of drama when yeah her behavior sounds annoying but she’s not exactly doing anything wrong. People grow apart, friendships change, people have habits and behaviors you find obnoxious; but it will likely be even more drama to kick her out than to just deal with it.

MobKaz · August 2019

Outside of wedding related events and wedding conversations, what have you done and/or chatted about with this friend since the proposal?

short+sassy · August 2019

I'm strongly agreeing with everything the other PPs have said.

Kicking her out of the WP is a harsh, friendship-ending move. And if there are any mutual friends, it could negatively affect your relationship with them also. You would also need to reimburse her for any monies she has already spent for your wedding.

And, perhaps this friendship has unfortunately run its course. But, even if that is the case, you'd be ending the friendship on bad terms instead of just letting it naturally peter-out.

If it were me, I'd leave things as they are. Stop sharing info about your wedding (unless it is related to her as a BM), so she can't give her hurtful opinions. And, if she's being a downer or monopolizing a conversation at other wedding-related events...I'm assuming there are maybe only two more, a bridal shower and the rehearsal dinner...be friendly, but spend the majority of your time with other people/conversations.

For the wedding reception, you'll hardly have time to hang out with the BMs you are still close to, so it's not really going to be an issue. Plus, one would hope she'll at least be in a positive and good mood on that day anyway. As for her being in the wedding pictures, it really doesn't matter.
I know every detail seems "huge" right now. But the reality is, you and your then-H will look at those pics a few times. Pick a few to frame. Usually ones with just you and him. And then pull them out once in a great while, throughout the years. She can even turn into a nice anecdote. Like, "Oh yeah! This is (or remember) Jane. We grew apart shortly after the wedding, but she was at the proposal, so that's kinda neat."

Jen4948 · August 2019

I wouldn't remove this person unless you want to end your friendship with her. (It's a valid choice, but that would be the consequence.) But probably, the proximity of the wedding is magnifying all causes, great and small, into drama that wouldn't otherwise exist or that you could otherwise handle.

From now until the wedding, consider putting some distance between her and yourself to allow the air to cool a bit and don't spend time with her other than when absolutely necessary. Also, don't discuss your wedding with her beyond what is absolutely necessary. If even at those times she tries to monopolize the conversations in her own favor, just excuse yourself to deal with everyone else involved.

ei34 · August 2019

MobKaz said:

Outside of wedding related events and wedding conversations, what have you done and/or chatted about with this friend since the proposal?

I'm here too. Your post is all about wedding stuff. What's going on in her life? Is there a new stressor related to her career, family, etc? If she's only annoying you when the topic is your wedding, stop discussing your wedding.
Someone being at the proposal automatically being in the wedding party is new to me...someone proposed to his gf at the last Mets game I was at and I haven't been asked to be a BM yet. But, you made that choice. I'd leave her in and then let the friendship phase out after. If you kick her out now you'll be the bad guy.

Removing a bridesmaid

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