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Vent - Fiance GOLF addiction

knottie32abd9f086926d03knottie32abd9f086926d03 member
First Comment
edited September 2019 in Chit Chat
Normally, I wouldn't vent on a forum, but I'm super frustrated.
I work a crazy work schedule, alternate between 12 hour day shifts and night shifts weekly (6a-6p, 6p-6a).  We also have 3 kids from our previous marriages that we share 50/50 custody with our exes.  I'm only off 2 weekends a month.  Fiance has a super flexible job, so he usually plays golf before work or leaves around 1:00 or 2:00 to play golf nearly every day.  He also plays EVERY Saturday or Sunday (sometimes both). 
SO, in saying all of that, fiance and I really only have about 2 evenings just the two of us, we only have 2 weekends to spend time together and with the kids so any evening I'm off (Especially kid free) it's important to me that we spend time together, reconnect, bc life is crazy.  
I get off this evening at 6:00, no kids!, and instead of asking me to go to the range (I also love to play) or dinner or really anything, he asked if I cared if he played a round of golf this evening with a friend. 
YES. I. CARE.  I think it's selfish.  Most guys have their girlfriends/wives home every evening and weekend, he doesnt.  But he uses this one evening to go play?  Tell me I'm not crazy.
Or tell me I'm being a controlling psycho.  Either way, I just needed to vent.  :(
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Re: Vent - Fiance GOLF addiction

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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    knottie32abd9f086926d03 said:
    Normally, I wouldn't vent on a forum, but I'm super frustrated.
    I work a crazy work schedule, alternate between 12 hour day shifts and night shifts weekly (6a-6p, 6p-6a).  We also have 3 kids from our previous marriages that we share 50/50 custody with our exes.  I'm only off 2 weekends a month.  Fiance has a super flexible job, so he usually plays golf before work or leaves around 1:00 or 2:00 to play golf nearly every day.  He also plays EVERY Saturday or Sunday (sometimes both). 
    SO, in saying all of that, fiance and I really only have about 2 evenings just the two of us, we only have 2 weekends to spend time together and with the kids so any evening I'm off (Especially kid free) it's important to me that we spend time together, reconnect, bc life is crazy.  
    I get off this evening at 6:00, no kids!, and instead of asking me to go to the range (I also love to play) or dinner or really anything, he asked if I cared if he played a round of golf this evening with a friend. 
    YES. I. CARE.  I think it's selfish.  Most guys have their girlfriends/wives home every evening and weekend, he doesnt.  But he uses this one evening to go play?  Tell me I'm not crazy.
    Or tell me I'm being a controlling psycho.  Either way, I just needed to vent.  :(
    Your response to HIM, since he asked, is "Yes.  I care.  Let's go to the range together tonight and end with dinner out."  Was he aware you were free this evening?  Is there a reason you have to wait for him to ask YOU?  Can you not remind him in the morning that you have the evening off and look forward to doing something with him?

    I would also discuss how you would like to prioritize your free time.  If your FI plays golf every weekend, including the weekends you work, I will assume babysitting is not an issue.  Explain that on your free weekends and nights, you hope and expect that those days will be spent with each other. 
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    knottie32abd9f086926d03knottie32abd9f086926d03 member
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    edited September 2019
    He knows when I get off, which is why he asked if I cared. My response was “you’re really going to go play the one evening in weeks I’m off without kids?” 
    I told him I wish he would’ve just asked if I wanted to go play when I got off and he said he wished I would’ve just been cool about it. And it was stupid to even discuss bc they were only playing 9 holes and he’d be home around the same time as me. 
    I said “then why even ask?!” He either was testing me or changed it to just 9 holes when he realized I was hurt. 
    But this isn’t new. I usually don’t complain about him playing bc he needs his hobbies, but I feel like there’s so much time he has away from me he can play, why use the little time we DO have? 
    He just says he didn’t think of it like that every time and gets defensive, makes me out to be controlling or something. 
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    knottie32abd9f086926d03 said:
    He knows when I get off, which is why he asked if I cared. My response was “you’re really going to go play the one evening in weeks I’m off without kids?” 
    I told him I wish he would’ve just asked if I wanted to go play when I got off and he said he wished I would’ve just been cool about it. And it was stupid to even discuss bc they were only playing 9 holes and he’d be home around the same time as me. 
    I said “then why even ask?!” He either was testing me or changed it to just 9 holes when he realized I was hurt. 
    But this isn’t new. I usually don’t complain about him playing bc he needs his hobbies, but I feel like there’s so much time he has away from me he can play, why use the little time we DO have? 
    He just says he didn’t think of it like that every time and gets defensive, makes me out to be controlling or something. 
    You need to learn to talk to each other. Your sarcastic response wasn't healthy, but neither is his need to prioritize a hobby over spending time with his partner and try to make you out as controlling for asserting your needs. It sounds like you two have a lot of resentment for each other. 

    I would suggest having a calm conversation about this, outside of the moment. You should lay out your needs, and he should be receptive to them. 
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    knottie32abd9f086926d03knottie32abd9f086926d03 member
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    We do, we've built up a lot of resentment and the last few months since our engagement in June has been hell. 

    We're both lashing out in the wrong ways, I know.  We're in therapy, have only had one session and two solo sessions so far.  I think I'm really just checked out. 

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    levioosalevioosa member
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    knottie32abd9f086926d03 said:

    We do, we've built up a lot of resentment and the last few months since our engagement in June has been hell. 

    We're both lashing out in the wrong ways, I know.  We're in therapy, have only had one session and two solo sessions so far.  I think I'm really just checked out. 

    I would hold the horses on planning. I would be really frustrated, but you have to communicate and feeling “checked out” is a terrible way to enter a marriage. 


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    knottie32abd9f086926d03knottie32abd9f086926d03 member
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    We've actually already planned our Destination Wedding, and some family has already booked. 
    It breaks my heart, I'm ashamed and I feel horrible, but I really don't think I can go through with it.  I don't know if we can get past the bitterness.  I feel like he only proposed because he felt like he needed to.
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    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottie32abd9f086926d03 said:
    We've actually already planned our Destination Wedding, and some family has already booked. 
    It breaks my heart, I'm ashamed and I feel horrible, but I really don't think I can go through with it.  I don't know if we can get past the bitterness.  I feel like he only proposed because he felt like he needed to.
    Your lives are complicated.  You have both experienced divorce and are no stranger to the hardships and stress that brought.  There is no reason to feel ashamed.  Regret, however, is preventable.  Stop the process now until you both can gain some clarity on what it is you want in your future.  You can postpone the wedding.  It does not mean the relationship is over; it only ends the wedding planning for the moment.
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    maine7mobmaine7mob member
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    This isn't about the golf. It's about the fact that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with you. It does sound like you have ceased to be a priority to him. Calling off a wedding is hard and expensive, but as you know, it's a lot less expensive and painful than divorce.

    If I were you, I'd work with the therapist to discover whether there is anything that can be salvaged, but I'd take the wedding out of the equation for now.
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    The golf is not the problem...  
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