Wedding Woes

Bitter sister

Dear Prudence,

My sister has been divorced for a year. She has three kids with her ex. Her ex has informed her he is dating someone new and plans to introduce her to the kids after the holidays. The new girlfriend is a young, pretty Latina. My sister has not been taking the news well and has started to use ugly, racially charged words to vent about this woman.

I understand her anger but not where she is putting it. Her language makes me very uncomfortable, and I am afraid it is leaking over on the kids. My sister has already been officially chided by the courts for talking badly about her ex to the kids. He will take her to court again if this continues. I love my sister and would never have thought her capable of racism like this. I don’t know how to deal with her.

—Never Saw This Coming

Re: Bitter sister

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Time for a CTJ talk. Although to be honest, if she was so willing to use racist language like that, she’s always secretly thought it. 
  • Team CTJ!!!  

    1) Sis needs to grow TF up!  There's a reason she's now divorced and has no right to get PO'd because her ex is moving on to a new life without her in it.  Whether it's based in jealousy or whatever, she needs to grow up and be an adult and be a model in her kids' lives. 
    2) Sis needs to start some form of self-care/therapy STAT!  
    3) The kids will see the error in her behavior as they age and will ultimately pull away from her if she talks negatively about their father whether she likes him or not.  Parental alienation is toxic for kids as well as the adults in the long term and a very specific set of statistically significant behaviors can manifest in the kid's ability to adjust in social circumstances.
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  • Call out your sisters racist language. Being hurt in a divorce is zero excuse for being a racist. Full stop. And remind your sister that if she keeps it up ashes not only going alienate her children, but you as well. 
  • In addition to reminding her that her hateful, racist language can become grounds to limit her custody with her children, I would also correct whenever she uses this language in my presence.  EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

    I actually had a coworker at a previous job I had to be like that with.  She was my coworker, so I always kept my comments calm and professional.  But every time she used a racial slur or made a racist comment, I told her I was offended and don't use X word or make XYZ types of comments around me.

    To go on a soapbox for a sec.  And this is also one of the other really aggravating things I find with racist people.  They often won't make those comments in front of people from that race.  But "don't get" that it's STILL highly offensive to others!  
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