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Oh sweet LW, self-protection is OK.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I am a bisexual woman in a good relationship with a cis man, and I am comfortably out with my friends. But I wonder how much I need to put myself on the line for the cause. My mother is homophobic. Though I try to engage her in constructive conversations regarding sexuality, even by posing “hypotheticals” about myself, I have never come out to her. I know my mom loves me, but I expect coming out to her to be uncomfortable and hurtful. Do you think coming out to her could potentially help with a perspective shift? Would it just be opening an unnecessary can of worms since I’m in a straight relationship right now? Am I a “bad” bisexual for not using my privilege to push these difficult conversations in my own sphere? I do feel guilty about this, but I am admittedly scared to rock the boat.

—Not Helping the Cause

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Re: Oh sweet LW, self-protection is OK.

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    There's a lot of baggage here, but I think it really comes down to this:

    You have to decide how much advocacy you want to do and how you want to do it, that's personal.  That advocacy level might raise questions and that's when the "do I or don't I come out" question will come up.  As far as how you answer that, I personally don't believe LW should be ashamed of not coming out to their mother; other advocates have reasons for not believing that.  But LW needs to live with themselves and consequences of whatever decision it is.   More than anything, LW needs validation that no, you're not a bad bisexual for not always being "on for gay" and it's okay to keep yourself generally safe.

    For me: my advocacy never raised questions for my parents; I was in theatre and politics, they knew I was fierce in my beliefs about supporting LGBTQ+ folx, my BFF was a gay man, and they just thought it was part of my passion.  Later, I found out they questioned one time if I were gay, but once I started dating exH, my parents who knew nothing of non-monosexuality, assumed I was straight.  I personally believe in pushing my privilege as far as it can go and do so all the time.  I try to do a call-in vs. call-out, but I also don't stop just b/c someone gets angry, defensive, or uncomfortable and I don't agree with "meet people where they are".  Realizing your privilege is going to make you angry, defensive, and uncomfortable, I still struggle with it all the time and have been called in/out myself.  But I don't believe everyone has to be like me; advocacy has plenty of room for plenty of approaches.
    �
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  • moira_rose_stanmoira_rose_stan member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    Question V. Can you give me a call in vs call out example/"template"? 

    I've been told I have a tendency to call out, but like you I don't believe in meeting people where they are or placating someone whose privilege gets them all in their feelings. Still, I'm sure there's room for improvement with my delivery and approach, so I'm curious as to how you structure a call in. 

    Thanks <3
    "Gossip is the devil's telephone, best to just hang up."
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2019
    moira_rose_stan said:
    Question V. Can you give me a call in vs call out example/"template"? 

    I've been told I have a tendency to call out, but like you I don't believe in meeting people where they are or placating someone whose privilege gets them all in their feelings. Still, I'm sure there's room for improvement with my delivery and approach, so I'm curious as to how you structure a call in. 

    Thanks <3
    The main difference in a call-in is that you're calling out the behavior and not the person.  It's usually reserved for someone you "know" in some form or another and you know they're working on it.  Call-out is calling both the person and behavior out.  There's a lot of conversation pro/con the call in/out movements.  I am one of the people who think they both have their places.  

    My main examples are I tend to try and call-in members of the LGBTQ+ community over bi and pan-phobia/erasure.  Depending on the straight person, they'll get a call-in over bi and pan phobia/erasure.  I will absolutely call-out any person with trans-phobia/erasure because transgender people are dying because of transphobia,;to me there's no room for "let me help you to this understanding" anymore (and not for some time).

    Actual template I just found, I hadn't seen this before:  http://www.racialequityvtnea.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Interrupting-Bias_-Calling-Out-vs.-Calling-In-REVISED-Aug-2018-1.pdf

    Everyday Feminism is where I first read about it awhile ago and I always love them as a resource:  https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/guide-to-calling-in/

    https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/03/calling-in-and-calling-out/






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  • moira_rose_stanmoira_rose_stan member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    Makes total sense, I appreciate the resources too :)
    "Gossip is the devil's telephone, best to just hang up."
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