Dear Prudence,
My husband has a close female friend. I don’t mind that he’s friends with other women, but I don’t like her. Recently I learned she’d been talking to him about “sugaring” (an alternative to bikini waxing), and I don’t like that she’s talking like that with my husband. It led to our first big fight, and we’ve been married for two years without really quarreling. I told him he needs boundaries with her. He was against my confronting her, saying, “That’s just how she is.” But if she really was his friend, it shouldn’t be a big deal to respect boundaries. Which leads me to think she must talk this way to him all the time. We fought for a week, and finally he said he would stop being friends with her. But they go to meetups together, and he’s not going to be able to avoid her. I don’t even know if I believe he would stop being friends with her after putting up such a fight.
I contacted her to tell her I thought what she said was inappropriate, but I’d like to get to know her better since she’s my husband’s best friend. My husband didn’t seem happy that we made plans, but we went out for drinks anyways. I don’t really get why he likes her. She’s the total opposite of me. She’s very high maintenance, and I just can’t find any common ground with her. She has no interest in trying to be friends with me. At this point I’m trying to ignore her existence, and I told my husband never to mention her name to me. This is a thorn in the side of our marriage that will soon cause an infection. I brought up couples therapy, but I think he thinks that’s a last resort for failing couples. I brought up getting my own therapist who can help me cope with this. I’ve talked to friends and family who have taken my side. I love him and don’t want him to see me as somebody who is controlling. But I want my feelings validated, and I can’t ignore this. If I’m wrong and dealing with this in the wrong way, that’s fine. I think talking to somebody and getting help will help me better deal with the situation and grow from this experience and to be a better person for us. I also think he’s afraid that somebody will tell him he’s wrong. He told one of his buddies what happened in our fight, and I heard it from his wife and that wasn’t the story at all. So either my husband lied about it, or his buddy was downplaying it. I’m really at wits’ end and emotional and upset. I know this is a lot.
—Inappropriate Best Friend