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Today's Dear Abby....yikes.

downtondivadowntondiva member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes
TW: Bullying and suicide attempts

This disturbed me on so many levels. 

DEAR ABBY: I am a 37-year-old man who is getting married for the first time. My fiancee, "Holly," and I went to middle school and high school together, but never really got to know each other until a few years ago. I love her more than words can describe, and I'm happy to be getting ready to spend my life with her.

Growing up, I was socially awkward, partly due to having Asperger's, which made me a target for bullies. Holly and I are now choosing our wedding party. My sister will be one of her bridesmaids. Holly is an only child, so she doesn't have a brother who could be one of my groomsmen. She has expressed that she would like her cousin "Gerald" to be one of my groomsmen, so someone from her family is in our wedding party.

The problem is, Gerald was my main tormentor from eighth grade all through high school. At one point in 10th grade, his cruelty led to my attempting suicide. I carry the scar from the attempt on my right wrist.

I understand that people change and mature as they grow older, and I'm OK with Gerald attending the wedding. But the idea of him standing next to me on the biggest day of my life, along with my best friend and two closest cousins, triggers too many awful memories. How can I plead this to Holly without hurting her feelings or looking shallow and petty? -- NERVOUS GROOM-TO-BE

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Re: Today's Dear Abby....yikes.

  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    LW does not say whether Holly is aware of Gerald's history with FI.  There is NOTHING shallow or petty about FI's concerns.  If Holly cannot understand why FI must decline the suggestion that Gerald be in the wedding party, then FI has a bigger problem.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Yeah - LW needs to have a conversation with the FI.   And Gerald may not realize how his actions had such an impact on the LW but he needs to be made aware of this conflict and ideally the FI needs to be aware of this and completely back the LW otherwise there is no wedding to be had. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    MobKaz said:
    LW does not say whether Holly is aware of Gerald's history with FI.  There is NOTHING shallow or petty about FI's concerns.  If Holly cannot understand why FI must decline the suggestion that Gerald be in the wedding party, then FI has a bigger problem.
    If she does know, it's pretty horrible of her to ask LW to do this. If she doesn't know, I find it worrying that LW doesn't feel like he can tell her without seeming "shallow and petty." There's nothing petty about not wanting to make nice with someone who drove you to a suicide attempt! 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    On the most minor note, I find it weird his FI wants her cousin in his WP to represent "her side", since she doesn't have any brothers.  It's almost makes it sound like she is just filling in a slot.

    I'm trying to give the FI the benefit of the doubt and assume she doesn't know most/all of this info about Gerald.  If she doesn't, the LW should tell her.  Or at least tell her as much as he is comfortable telling her.

    I don't know very much about Asperger's.  But I almost wonder if he is second-guessing himself that his feelings are valid.  Hopefully Dear Abby's answer or if he confided in a friend, will reassure him that this is completely a HARD NO.  And there is nothing shallow or petty about his feelings.
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