Dear Prudence,
I live in a two-bedroom apartment with another woman in her 30s. We’ve been here for a year and a half, we’re both clean and considerate and laid-back, and our modest-but-beautiful apartment is the first place that’s really felt like home. She recently told me that she’s miserable living here. It all started because she wanted to get a second cat. I’ve told her no in the past, but she keeps asking. We’re not even supposed to have any pets in the first place, and I think our place is too small for two animals. She asked if my answer was black-and-white, and I said yes. She said it was black-and-white for her too, because a second cat is apparently essential to her first cat’s well-being. I told her she should have considered all this when she adopted the cat in the first place.
Now she’s saying that she thinks people who live together have an obligation to engage at all times, which I do not. She says she is “existentially against human beings acting like islands.” We do talk regularly, but I’ll admit I prefer keeping to myself. I work in customer service and enjoy my alone time. She says that my attitude makes us fundamentally incompatible as roommates and she could not trust me and implied that I should move out. She said living with me is the worst living situation she’s been in since her ex-wife “ruined her life.” My roommate never previously communicated any of her expectations or problems with me. She said she’s been feeling like this for a whole year!
We are at a standstill because neither of us want to leave the apartment. I’ve never loved living with her, but it is definitely possible, and I could continue to do so. We are supposed to hash out who is leaving and when. We are both on the lease and split the deposit and broker fee 50/50, and I said I didn’t want to discuss who “deserves” to stay. She keeps talking about her recent difficulties and trying to interrogate me about my financial situation and my job. I’m sorry she’s unhappy, and I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable, but I love this apartment, I like our landlord, and she’s free to leave if she needs a more “emotionally present” roommate. What should I do?
—I Prefer Islands