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MIL question ... opinions welcome!

kerbohlkerbohl member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes
Hey WW!  I have a question.  My MIL wants to attend a funeral for someone she worked with.  The funeral is going to be at my church, and I am within walking distance of my church.  She seems to really want to go ... and I'm more than willing to attend a stranger's funeral with her because she seems reluctant to go alone.  HOWEVER ... I suspect that if I offer to go with her, she will ask that I drive her, rather than just meeting me there.  So if I offer, I would probably have to pick her up, and then go back to her place and drop her off, which is going to take a good chunk out of an already busy Saturday.
Do I offer?  Or do I just let her adult and go to the funeral alone?  OR, since SIL lives with her, expect SIL to go with and drive her?  Because that would be the easier, but I doubt SIL will offer. 

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Re: MIL question ... opinions welcome!

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Can she not drive to your house?  That would be the first offer I'd make.

    Honestly, how I'd handle it depends on so many factors including my desire to spend extended time with my MIL and our overall relationship.  


    I live 5 min from the ILs so it's different but we often offer to pick them up and drive places that are far away and joint destinations - but it's not out of the way for us to do it.  

    I would be more hesitant to do it if I felt like I was constantly being asked to do something and rarely felt it was reciprocated. 
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    Can she not drive to your house?  That would be the first offer I'd make.

    Honestly, how I'd handle it depends on so many factors including my desire to spend extended time with my MIL and our overall relationship.  


    I live 5 min from the ILs so it's different but we often offer to pick them up and drive places that are far away and joint destinations - but it's not out of the way for us to do it.  

    I would be more hesitant to do it if I felt like I was constantly being asked to do something and rarely felt it was reciprocated. 
    That is sort of where I am at.  I've been at my house for four years, and I think she has visited us here about 3 times.  It would be great if she would come by for a visit and then we could go to the funeral together, but she won't do it.  I already know the answer to offering that ... and then she'll expect me to go pick her up since I already offered to go the funeral with her.  It makes me not want to offer at all ...

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    kerbohl said:
    banana468 said:
    Can she not drive to your house?  That would be the first offer I'd make.

    Honestly, how I'd handle it depends on so many factors including my desire to spend extended time with my MIL and our overall relationship.  


    I live 5 min from the ILs so it's different but we often offer to pick them up and drive places that are far away and joint destinations - but it's not out of the way for us to do it.  

    I would be more hesitant to do it if I felt like I was constantly being asked to do something and rarely felt it was reciprocated. 
    That is sort of where I am at.  I've been at my house for four years, and I think she has visited us here about 3 times.  It would be great if she would come by for a visit and then we could go to the funeral together, but she won't do it.  I already know the answer to offering that ... and then she'll expect me to go pick her up since I already offered to go the funeral with her.  It makes me not want to offer at all ...
    I was initially going to say that you should offer, but make it very clear she needs to drive/find her own way to your house since you are already walking distance.

    But, if you already know that won't be an acceptable answer for her, whelp...then I wouldn't even offer to go to the funeral with her.

    At least that's my attitude, lol.  Even for close friends and family members, if they keep wanting to "expand" favors I offer, then I stop offering those favors.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    short+sassy said:
    kerbohl said:
    banana468 said:
    Can she not drive to your house?  That would be the first offer I'd make.

    Honestly, how I'd handle it depends on so many factors including my desire to spend extended time with my MIL and our overall relationship.  


    I live 5 min from the ILs so it's different but we often offer to pick them up and drive places that are far away and joint destinations - but it's not out of the way for us to do it.  

    I would be more hesitant to do it if I felt like I was constantly being asked to do something and rarely felt it was reciprocated. 
    That is sort of where I am at.  I've been at my house for four years, and I think she has visited us here about 3 times.  It would be great if she would come by for a visit and then we could go to the funeral together, but she won't do it.  I already know the answer to offering that ... and then she'll expect me to go pick her up since I already offered to go the funeral with her.  It makes me not want to offer at all ...
    I was initially going to say that you should offer, but make it very clear she needs to drive/find her own way to your house since you are already walking distance.

    But, if you already know that won't be an acceptable answer for her, whelp...then I wouldn't even offer to go to the funeral with her.

    At least that's my attitude, lol.  Even for close friends and family members, if they keep wanting to "expand" favors I offer, then I stop offering those favors.
    That's sort of where I am too. 

    It's one thing if I thought there was a fear of driving/agoraphobia but if this isn't her thing and it's a favor to her then she needs to accept the terms of the offer or turn it down. "Oh it's not going to work for me to pick you up however I will be free by X time and if you come over I'll drive us to it." 

    It doesn't rescind the offer - just puts some teeth in the plan.  
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    VarunaTT said:
    I'd offer in such a way that the ask can't happen.  "I can make time in the day to meet you at the church at X time if you want the support."

    Then you've already set up the declination if necessary.
    That sounds like a good way of wording it.  I think I will try that. We already have plans later in the day as well, so I am on a time crunch as it is.

    @short+sassy She has been "expanding" favours for a while, which is why I'm leery of this one.  I've tried to do the whole shutting it down, but she knows how to emotionally manipulate my hubby at those times, and the hit to his self esteem sometimes isn't worth not doing the extended favour.  Though I laugh when she asks him to do stuff for him that only I can do ... like, I see what you're doing, you know I'll say no so you'll find a way to get him to ask me.  

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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    So I told her what @VarunaTT suggested ... and then it turns out she had her dates wrong and the funeral isn't until this upcoming Saturday.  She basically replied with "I'll talk to you later this week to figure things out".  So this is ongoing - we shall see!  I'll update as it comes!  Usually when she says "we'll figure things out" it is because she hasn't accepted the answer and is coming up with a new way to ask again.  

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