Reasonable or Unreasonable?

tunafish1992 · February 2020

My fiancé and I got engaged last summer and shortly after booked a venue for the summer of this year (13 months later). We immediately spread the word to all our friends and family. Months later, my cousin got engaged, and he and his fiancée set their date for the weekend after ours. I am trying not to let this bother me, as I have little to no control over their date selection, but it has hurt me a bit that they would pick a date the very following weekend, so close to ours, instead of any other weekend that summer (or fall). Is this unreasonable? At this point, nothing can be done but to focus on my own wedding and make the most of my day, but it’s hard when all my family and relatives keep talking about their wedding around me, and the comparisons have already started (not to mention everything happening at the same time — theirs and our save-the-dates, paper invitations, websites, hers and my showers, etc). I’ve waited so long for this moment in my life (dated my now fiancé for four years and counting), and it’s hard to feel like the excitement I would have experienced from everyone else is being re-directed a bit, I guess it feels to me like the proverbial “stealing the thunder”. I don’t want to be selfish or petty, so I’m trying not to say anything to anyone else (least of all my cousin and their family), but my parents know how I feel. Is it normally acceptable to plan your wedding so close to that of a relative? That’s all I’m wondering, I guess! I’m soliciting advice on whether my feelings are unjustified, or if it is indeed a bit rude on their part. Not that anything can or will be done to change anything at this point, regardless! Thanks!

missJeanLouise · February 2020

tunafish1992 said:

My fiancé and I got engaged last summer and shortly after booked a venue for the summer of this year (13 months later). We immediately spread the word to all our friends and family. Months later, my cousin got engaged, and he and his fiancée set their date for the weekend after ours. I am trying not to let this bother me, as I have little to no control over their date selection, but it has hurt me a bit that they would pick a date the very following weekend, so close to ours, instead of any other weekend that summer (or fall). Is this unreasonable? At this point, nothing can be done but to focus on my own wedding and make the most of my day, but it’s hard when all my family and relatives keep talking about their wedding around me, and the comparisons have already started (not to mention everything happening at the same time — theirs and our save-the-dates, paper invitations, websites, hers and my showers, etc). I’ve waited so long for this moment in my life (dated my now fiancé for four years and counting), and it’s hard to feel like the excitement I would have experienced from everyone else is being re-directed a bit, I guess it feels to me like the proverbial “stealing the thunder”. I don’t want to be selfish or petty, so I’m trying not to say anything to anyone else (least of all my cousin and their family), but my parents know how I feel. Is it normally acceptable to plan your wedding so close to that of a relative? That’s all I’m wondering, I guess! I’m soliciting advice on whether my feelings are unjustified, or if it is indeed a bit rude on their part. Not that anything can or will be done to change anything at this point, regardless! Thanks!

Your cousin did nothing wrong. For all you know their finance's childhood best friend is leaving for doctors without borders in the fall and this was the only weekend the venue was available.... But honestly, it doesn't matter what the reasoning is because everyone gets one day.

I understand that wedding planning isn't going to go the way you envisioned it and it's okay to be quietly disappointed about that. Maybe try to look at it from a different angle, instead of someone stealing your thunder think about how great it is to have someone to bounce ideas off of and compare vendors. Or keep everything and have a grand ol' surprise. At the end of the day you'll be married and that's the real goal.

downtondiva · February 2020

Personally, I consider it less than ideal when relatives' weddings are this close, as it could force family members to have to choose between them. However, that doesn't mean people can't plan their wedding for whenever they choose.

As for "stealing your thunder," I understand that you can't help that these feelings came up, but I encourage you to let them go as best you can. You get one day for your wedding, and your cousin gets one day for his wedding. Neither of you are entitled to the whole year or even the whole month. Although wedding planning can be stressful, it's supposed to be a fun and exciting time overall, and I'm sure you don't want to remember this time as one where you felt annoyed and jealous.

If you don't feel like hearing comparisons between the two weddings (which I totally get, I wouldn't either), find a polite way to close and change the subject when it comes up. It may also be a good idea to keep more details of your wedding to yourself around certain family members.

MesmrEwe · February 2020

First, YOUR feelings are YOUR feelings. I "get" what you're getting at in regard to the whole family choosing a wedding date close to yours, and yea, probably would silently side-eye someone in my family if they did as much, but you never know the circumstances surrounding the decision of that date vs. something that has a larger window between the two. That said, you get one day and they get one day. They could have scheduled it the day before or the day after your wedding and it'd still be the case.

A few things for you to do. One is, right now, it's o.k. to have your "Pity Party for One", go have a cupcake from the bakery you've chosen for your wedding that you'll enjoy and savor along with a beverage of your choosing. Let your feelings be your feelings but know that your wedding day is going to be your Wedding Day. What happens the week after is the week after. You may be on your honeymoon and won't give a rip about how they're doing things vs. how you chose to do them.

Here's something no one in the wedding industry tells the bride and groom... You could have exactly the same everything and people will still think it's unique to the two of you! You could even have the same exact dress, and because of your frames could look totally different in it!

One thing you can control is this, the wedding details discussions! If you don't want people comparing, stop giving them Intel on the situation and your choices! Share excitement not specifics with people! You'll ultimately be much happier for having done so!

maine7mob · February 2020

I totally understand why you'd feel this way, but don't blame your cousin. He's not getting married *at* you. He, like you, picked the date that worked best for him and his partner. It's a bummer that some of your family won't be able to attend both weddings, but this could happen regardless of when you got married. Don't let this spoil your joy.

banana468 · February 2020

It isn't unreasonable but I do think that your cousin either didn't pay attention to your wedding date or he's aware that he's picked a date that he knows may create more issues. Sometimes, that's just what happens.

I would hope there's no ill-will or competitive nature among the family and that this is just one of those situations where they had to pick a date that worked for the immediate members in the family and that's unfortunately a week after your event.

FWIW, not as close but DH's cousin got married 3 weeks after BIL. Sometimes, it's just how dates work out.

climbingsingle · February 2020

Your cousin did not do anything rude. Everyone gets ONE day, and I"m sure they picked the date that worked best for them. Maybe their venue was booked every other weekend. Maybe they had VIPs that could only make that weekend work.

My cousin and I got married within 2 weeks of each other. All worked out. There were no issues.

charlotte989875 · February 2020

Totally understand why you’d feel that way, but I don’t think I’d say it’s rude of them, possibly inconvenient for people but they are allowed to pick a date that works for them, just like you did.

The year I got married my cousin got married 6 weeks after I did, her sister got married 6 weeks after she did, my best friend got married two weeks after than. My cousins show was actually two days after my wedding! Sometimes things just work that way. I’d say, be a little bummed about it and try and let it go. It’s easier said than done but like you said there’s nothing to do about it, so I’d try not to let it get to you.

short+sassy · February 2020

First, a kudos to you for not talking about your annoyance on the dates, other than with your FI and your parents! I don't blame you for your feelings, but your cousin didn't do anything wrong either. Would it have been better if they had spaced it further out? Yeeahhh, it would have. But, as other PPs have mentioned, they may have their own very good reasons for why they couldn't. Assume they did and try to shake it off.

Try to ignore whatever "comparisons" relatives are making. Your wedding will be your wedding. Theirs will be theirs. They will each be unique and awesome, in their own right. I know you didn't ask this. But, if you and your FI are invited to their wedding...but can't/don't feel like going because it's so close to your own...then politely decline and don't feel any obligation to go.

CharmedPam · February 2020

I’d be a bit disgruntled myself but I’m sure you guys will have two beautiful weddings! Sorry if I missed it but are any of these OOT for the general population?

Reasonable or Unreasonable?

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