Pre-wedding Parties

“Bridesmaid problem” ! Help please

I, uhmm might have difficulty explaining the scenario that I need some advise on. 

One of my bridesmaids, I have selected is due to the fact that she’s been very close to the FH-with 14 years of friendship. I mean it would be perfect for them as friends and bonus she would be included directly with all the planning ect and be front row with the wedding. 

During this time we have bonded as friends too, which is great right ? 

Okay so here’s where things are getting super messed up in my own opinion. In the past there has been incidences where we will be out as a group (she sleeps over at-least once a week / 2 weeks and she daily is in contact with FH) it happened at some incidences I will be told to go home as she will be driving with FH as party is “over” ...on these occasions... they just never came home until late morning hours of really hard partying. My calls and messages would Be ignored by her trying to find out where they are ect,this obviously has left sensitivity and the thought of is she sincerely trying to be a friend or is it just to be around FH as a friend?

Be it as it may - we forgive and forget. Time goes on. 

Now that the wedding is upon us, FH and I agreed and decided that the bachelors will only be male invited and the so the same only females for the bachelorettes. This was also the requests of the best men. Small problem here - she shared the entire bachelorette plan with FH this was also not to be done as both events were asked to be strictly confidential to invitees per event only. 

The bachelors was recently and and I had been advised by some of the girls that this specific female friend had made arrangement - decided that she will go to bachelors irrespective the best man strictly instructed no Girls... (So in Essenes she’s not invited at all) the day before the bachelors she insisted that her partner is added to bachelors list as he wasn’t invited either. He does not have means of transport and she admitted to one of the girls, She will take him to spend time there and stay for a few drinks with all the boys. 

Here is the big problem:

I had obviously added up what’s happening and I politely asked her not to go and only to drop him of and leave as it’s a boys only event and it would upset me and off-course the guys and should their partners find out... that she had spent time there. because of the understanding agreed on the rules - I felt I had the right.  

She stayed for for a while, I confronted her and explained to her that it wasn’t the arrangements and I felt highly disrespected and she had absolutely no right to go there. And not only as a bridesmaid and “friend” she’s clearly ignored my instruction as the bride . She’s turned around and stated as FH “best friend” she deserved to be the girl there for him and kept throwing the 14 years friendship in my face.  

When i ask why did she ignore my request, same story and that I had no say in this towards her. She felt no remorse to how the guys felt and blatantly didn’t care about the other female friends he has for the same period of time felt that they also wanted to be there.  She contacted FH on the night of the bachelors, crying because of our argument and now officially dragging him in on everything that could easily be resolved between myself and her. 

I feel completely disrespected.

To top it all off, I had received communications from her insisting that the guys wanted her to stay (I know this would never have been the case and she kept saying especially FH wanted her there all the time. I advised her that I have spoken to FH, this wasn’t the case and I was really upset that she’s ignored all requests
for no girls. The guys had to eventually ask her to leave. 

Furthermore , she deleted herself of the bachelorettes group ( she’s a main organiser ) this hasn’t raised questions from all the other girls on the group -  cancelled the wedding with me as a bridesmaids and told me is only FH friend from now on and hasn’t no interest in my wedding or sorting this out with me ( the wedding is practically in two weeks) wanting to return the dress ect and gone onto Facebook posting direct “emotional quotes” and having her female friends and family members commenting directly hurtful things about my request.

FH and myself had a in-depth discussion and he happened to mention to me that on several occasions she had told her she will come to the bachelors and he had warned her it wouldn’t be advised and it’s not happening as it’s an only boys weekend. I sense she planned this and it was well executed. 

Was i wrong in the first place to have asked her to respect my wishes and the guys wishes to have the space they wanted with no females?! As I did not want any females on his boys time. He also didn’t want girls around him. 

What do do I do now?

This is really completely upsetting me and my head is spinning. 

Theres a 14 year friendship involved that I don’t want to get involved with but I feel at the same time betrayed, humiliated, completely disrespected and hurt. 

Any thoughts?  :/

 

Re: “Bridesmaid problem” ! Help please

  • Your post wasn't clear, but here's what I think you're saying: Your FI has a female friend of 14 years' standing. You also became friends with this woman, and asked her to be one of your bridesmaids. 

    When she goes out with you, your FI, and your mutual friends, she sometimes wants to continue the party with just your FI after the others have left. She makes it clear you are unwelcome. She and your FI stay out late, not coming home until the wee hours.

    You are feeling a bit jealous of their relationship, which is understandable, so you tried to micromanage his bachelor party by insisting that only males be included. She showed up anyway.

    You do not have a bridesmaid problem. You have a relationship problem. 

    It doesn't matter whether your jealousy is justified. What matters is that your future husband take it seriously. Even if this girl's motives are pure as the driven snow, your partner shouldn't be playing you guys off of each other. And you shouldn't be trying to manage his relationships with his friends. So sit down and talk to each other. It's not fair to ask him to completely cut her off, but it is reasonable to ask him to examine his motives and his actions in partying with her when you've made it clear that it bothers you. 
    Jen4948Casadena
  • Thank you for the reply and 100%. I do not want him to cut her off and I tried to resolve this directly with her so that she can understand how it has made me feel. Without involving him and putting him in a situation. 

    FH and myself have sat down and discussed it and he has agreed that he needs to have a chat with her and that he understands - he has my best interest in heart and he agrees her coming to the bachelors was wrong in context of only me but the other guys too.  

    How do I handle the actions and the extend of her actions though? It’s  super uncomfortable now and it’s affecting the wedding, and it’s  affecting both FH and myself as it will change a few dynamics now.

    I had intentions to resolve this as I mentioned earlier but She of the bat - took it extremely personal and without thought blasted the wedding and removed herself completely from me , bachelorettes and wedding. Basically cutting me off. 

    I strongly feel I am not in the wrong with feeling disrespected and that an apology is not needed from my side.   

  • If she no longer wants to be in the wedding, let it go. That's on her. But in retrospect, your fiance should have asked her to be in his part of the WP. They had the older friendship.

    It sounds as if you both wanted a traditional (women for the bride, men for the groom) WP, so it just didn't work out.
    MobKaz
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I, uhmm might have difficulty explaining the scenario that I need some advise on. 

    One of my bridesmaids, I have selected is due to the fact that she’s been very close to the FH-with 14 years of friendship. I mean it would be perfect for them as friends and bonus she would be included directly with all the planning ect and be front row with the wedding. 

    During this time we have bonded as friends too, which is great right ? 

    Okay so here’s where things are getting super messed up in my own opinion. In the past there has been incidences where we will be out as a group (she sleeps over at-least once a week / 2 weeks and she daily is in contact with FH) it happened at some incidences I will be told to go home as she will be driving with FH as party is “over” ...on these occasions... they just never came home until late morning hours of really hard partying. My calls and messages would Be ignored by her trying to find out where they are ect,this obviously has left sensitivity and the thought of is she sincerely trying to be a friend or is it just to be around FH as a friend?

    Be it as it may - we forgive and forget. Time goes on. 

    Now that the wedding is upon us, FH and I agreed and decided that the bachelors will only be male invited and the so the same only females for the bachelorettes. This was also the requests of the best men. Small problem here - she shared the entire bachelorette plan with FH this was also not to be done as both events were asked to be strictly confidential to invitees per event only. 

    The bachelors was recently and and I had been advised by some of the girls that this specific female friend had made arrangement - decided that she will go to bachelors irrespective the best man strictly instructed no Girls... (So in Essenes she’s not invited at all) the day before the bachelors she insisted that her partner is added to bachelors list as he wasn’t invited either. He does not have means of transport and she admitted to one of the girls, She will take him to spend time there and stay for a few drinks with all the boys. 

    Here is the big problem:

    I had obviously added up what’s happening and I politely asked her not to go and only to drop him of and leave as it’s a boys only event and it would upset me and off-course the guys and should their partners find out... that she had spent time there. because of the understanding agreed on the rules - I felt I had the right.  

    She stayed for for a while, I confronted her and explained to her that it wasn’t the arrangements and I felt highly disrespected and she had absolutely no right to go there. And not only as a bridesmaid and “friend” she’s clearly ignored my instruction as the bride . She’s turned around and stated as FH “best friend” she deserved to be the girl there for him and kept throwing the 14 years friendship in my face.  

    When i ask why did she ignore my request, same story and that I had no say in this towards her. She felt no remorse to how the guys felt and blatantly didn’t care about the other female friends he has for the same period of time felt that they also wanted to be there.  She contacted FH on the night of the bachelors, crying because of our argument and now officially dragging him in on everything that could easily be resolved between myself and her. 

    I feel completely disrespected.

    To top it all off, I had received communications from her insisting that the guys wanted her to stay (I know this would never have been the case and she kept saying especially FH wanted her there all the time. I advised her that I have spoken to FH, this wasn’t the case and I was really upset that she’s ignored all requests
    for no girls. The guys had to eventually ask her to leave. 

    Furthermore , she deleted herself of the bachelorettes group ( she’s a main organiser ) this hasn’t raised questions from all the other girls on the group -  cancelled the wedding with me as a bridesmaids and told me is only FH friend from now on and hasn’t no interest in my wedding or sorting this out with me ( the wedding is practically in two weeks) wanting to return the dress ect and gone onto Facebook posting direct “emotional quotes” and having her female friends and family members commenting directly hurtful things about my request.

    FH and myself had a in-depth discussion and he happened to mention to me that on several occasions she had told her she will come to the bachelors and he had warned her it wouldn’t be advised and it’s not happening as it’s an only boys weekend. I sense she planned this and it was well executed. 

    Was i wrong in the first place to have asked her to respect my wishes and the guys wishes to have the space they wanted with no females?! As I did not want any females on his boys time. He also didn’t want girls around him. 

    What do do I do now?

    This is really completely upsetting me and my head is spinning. 

    Theres a 14 year friendship involved that I don’t want to get involved with but I feel at the same time betrayed, humiliated, completely disrespected and hurt. 

    Any thoughts?  :/

     

    I agree with @maine7mob.  It is you and your FI that need to discuss this relationship.  He needs to have a strong discussion with this friend and make it clear that you and he make decisions together. 
    If she has really taken herself out of the wedding, then let her stand by that decision.  If your FI wants this friendship to continue, then he needs to make that happen, not you.  Honestly, I would probably want to be a visible partner in the next few communications they share.  She needs to see that the two of you are in agreement.

    ILoveBeachMusicbanana468charlotte989875Jen4948
  • I think you need a strong heart to heart with your FI regarding this friendship.   In no way should you TELL him what to do but I'm getting mixed messages in this post and I'm having a hard time understanding where everyone stands. 

    In no way shape or form is the answer to this friend, "This is what my FI wants."  Your FI needs to express what he wants from that friendship.   Then listen and evaluate it and decide whether or not what he wants makes sense to you, if it warrants deeper discussion and/or if you are concerned.  


    charlotte989875MyNameIsNot
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2020
    I agree with the PPs that you and your FI need to discuss this friendship, after which he needs to discuss it with her. I also agree that he has to establish for her that you and he are a couple.

    While I think it's fair for him to have her as a "best friend," I also think it's fair for you to expect him to tell her that their "best friendship" has to stay on terms that aren't romantic or exclusive of your existence. That means no more sleepovers at your house without your permission or excluding you from future get-togethers. But that's as far as I would go at this point.

    As far as her stepping down as your bridesmaid goes, I'd respect her decision and let it go now.
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