Call me by my name

mrsconn23 · February 2020

Dear Prudence,

In general I have a great relationship with my mother. We are very close, she’s mostly very supportive, and currently I live with her while I get on my feet after some big life changes. I am nonbinary, and I’ve been out since I was 19 and out as bisexual since 16. My mother, despite being a very religious woman, is supportive if disconnected from it. She’s attended our local Pride parade once at my request and had a good time, but we don’t really talk about it. What bothers me is she doesn’t really accept my name change. When I came out as nonbinary I tried one name for about eight months before switching to my current name, which I’ve been using for three years and will likely use for the rest of my life. She calls me by this name but has made it clear I hurt her by changing my name. When people gush over my name (it’s unique and pairs in a really funny way with my last name), she will interject, “Well, their real name is [Redacted].” And it makes me intensely uncomfortable and unhappy. How do I talk to her about this? She feels hurt because I’m “rejecting” the name she picked when I was born. I just don’t connect to that name, it makes me very uncomfortable to be called it, and it makes me feel small and ashamed.

—New Name

charlotte989875 · February 2020

Tell her how it makes you feel. Ask her why she insists on calling you by a name you’ve asked not to be called. It sounds like she is supportive so I think bringing this up to her might be helpful. If not I’d keep correcting her and others as to your name.

downtondiva · February 2020

Use your words. Tell her why you find it hurtful that she insists on pointing out the name you were given at birth. I'd also explain exactly why you changed your name, as I suspect she doesn't fully understand. Her being supportive needs to include accepting that you changed your name and that you had the right to do so.

banana468 · February 2020

Have the heart to heart with mom.

The concept of changing a first name is relatively new. And parents for years often mention that picking a name was one of "their" things. LW, what you're doing is completely right and yet it's also something that your mom needs to process. She hasn't yet accepted that this is no longer who you are and you need to address it as, "Mom, I appreciate that you gave me this name. At the time that was yours to give and now as a grown adult it's mine to change. Please stop telling people that my name isn't really my name."

FWIW a friend with a transgender child recently said, "Man I totally support that this is what he now wants to be called but I LOVED the name I put on the birth certificate as my favorite girl name. I'm bummed we're not using it." I thought it was so well-stated because she was clear that she supported her kid while at the same time lamented that she picked the name and doesn't get to use it and it's no longer her choice.

MesmrEwe · February 2020

"It makes me feel small and ashamed" just seems like something that needs to be dealt with in the therapist's office.

charlotte989875 · February 2020

MesmrEwe said:

"It makes me feel small and ashamed" just seems like something that needs to be dealt with in the therapist's office.

Sounds like something that needs to be dealt with the mother who won’t respect that her child is telling her the behavior is hurting her.

ILoveBeachMusic · February 2020

charlotte989875 said:

MesmrEwe said:

"It makes me feel small and ashamed" just seems like something that needs to be dealt with in the therapist's office.

Sounds like something that needs to be dealt with the mother who won’t respect that her child is telling her the behavior is hurting her.

I agree the mother should call them by the name they prefer, but LW does need to express how she feels to the mother and I didn't get the impression that she had done that. I identify with what @banana468 said. I would feel really sad if any of our children changed their names because they all have family significance. However, I hope I would be able to accept it and move on.

charlotte989875 · February 2020

ILoveBeachMusic said:

charlotte989875 said:

MesmrEwe said:

"It makes me feel small and ashamed" just seems like something that needs to be dealt with in the therapist's office.

Sounds like something that needs to be dealt with the mother who won’t respect that her child is telling her the behavior is hurting her.

I agree the mother should call them by the name they prefer, but LW does need to express how she feels to the mother and I didn't get the impression that she had done that. I identify with what @banana468 said. I would feel really sad if any of our children changed their names because they all have family significance. However, I hope I would be able to accept it and move on.

I understand that, my comment was in reference to someone feeling small and ashamed by a name they do not identify with and have made it clear they do not wish to be called doesn’t mean they need therapy.

I agree LW should share with her Mom how the name is making her feel, but if Mom is supportive she needs to stop calling her child by their old name.

MesmrEwe · March 2020

charlotte989875 said:

MesmrEwe said:

"It makes me feel small and ashamed" just seems like something that needs to be dealt with in the therapist's office.

Sounds like something that needs to be dealt with the mother who won’t respect that her child is telling her the behavior is hurting her.

The issue is that the Mother isn't likely to change whether one considers her rude or not to question the choice in the name change or whatever. The LW OTOH can choose their response of "feeling small and ashamed" regardless of other people being AH around them.

Would it not be a better choice to work with a therapist to learn a different response in those specific situations of how to feel neutral or like the birth name was an old friend that just drifted apart,you don't wish ill will on the person, you just aren't, and that's o.k.. You cannot change others, you can only change your response to others and in this case, it's an internal response that's probably going to have impact in other areas of their life as well.

Call me by my name

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