Dear Prudence,
I am getting married this fall, although my partner and I got legally married five years ago after he was diagnosed with cancer so that he could benefit from my health insurance. We went to city hall, only told close friends and family, and explained that once things calmed down we’d have a formal ceremony and party. My partner is now three years in remission, and we’re very happily planning our “public” wedding. Everyone’s been happy for us except for my sister—she’s apoplectic. She recently became engaged and is getting married a few months after us (she started planning hers after we started planning ours) and feels like our plans will cheapen her “real” wedding. She keeps saying that we are tricking people into attending a fake wedding (even though our wedding website lays out the whole story) and is constantly sending me etiquette articles about how weddings like this are unacceptable. Even though we are having a low-key event, she has sent me several notes saying that my selfish plans are wasting money that could have otherwise gone to charity and that everyone in the family is talking about how this is a gift grab (which I don’t think is true).
She has announced that if I plan to wear white, she will not be coming and will not invite me to her wedding. My mother thinks that she is being ridiculous but says that I should choose a different color to keep the peace. I wasn’t set on wearing white (which my mother knows), but this absurd request has me wanting to wear a traditional gown out of spite. My sister and I are not close but have also never had a contentious relationship. I really don’t know where this comes from. My sister has been regularly calling my mother in tears about my plans, and—while it feels ridiculous to even be writing this—I think is very serious about her threats. Given that dress color is not something that I feel strongly about, do I choose a different color to avoid conflict? Do I wear white and tell my sister she can’t hold me hostage? Or do I just refuse to tell her what I’m wearing and let her know that she’ll find out on the day of the ceremony, if she decides to come? This is what I am leaning towards, and I think it will result in her not coming, which I find very, very sad.
—Wedding Rage