Moms and Maids

Ohmigosh, I'm in a jam (totally of my own making) **long**

Let me preface this by saying that everything that happened that led to the situation I'm in was not planned in advance. It was very spur of the moment.

My future mother in law has two boys (my fiance, and his twin brother). Since my fiance's brother is nowhere close to settling down, she's excited to the nth degree about our wedding, and all of the girly things that go along with it, like wedding dress shopping. We generally get along well (I say generally, because she is one of those people who likes to stir the pot, then when she's called on it, she turns it around into how the person who called her out is being mean to her or victimizing her in some way, and I don't have a whole lot of patience with it. I just try to make myself scare when she starts with this stuff though, so it works out). She said the only part of the wedding planning she really, really wanted to be a part of was dress shopping, since she didn't have a daughter to go prom dress shopping with, etc. I said of course she could come, and she has since reiterated how much she's looking forward to going.

Anyways, this past weekend, two of my aunts were in town from the west coast, and I'm pretty close to both of them (one of them is my godmother). They're both childless, so they're also pretty excited about our upcoming wedding. So, when I saw them on Sunday evening, they suggested hitting up a nearby bridal salon the next morning (one that was about an hour away from my future mother in law's house) to do some preliminary dress shopping. I agreed, and didn't think much of it. After all, it wasn't like I was really looking for a dress yet (our wedding is 18 months away), and I figured it would be a nice morning out with my aunts, who I don't get to see a lot.

So, I'm sure you can see where this is heading...after trying on about 12 - 15 dresses, I found a sample dress that I looooooved, it fit pretty perfectly, the color was right, etc. And it was only $300, and another bride was eyeing it up, so my aunts insisted that I buy it (and if I didn't, they were going to...one way or another, I was going home with this dress). (And this isn't the focus of this post- I realize the danger of finding a dress so far away from the wedding date, but I have pretty particular tastes, and I'm not really one to change my mind once I've decided I like something.) 

Which leaves me in a position where I have, as far as I can see it, three options:

1. Make an appointment at the store where I bought the dress, and bring it in ahead of time (the consultant actually suggested this option and said they've done it several times)...they will then "pull it" for me and make it appear as if they put it in the room based on what styles I said I liked, and then act as if I was just finding it for the first time. Then, they'd act as if they were ringing me up for it and the whole shebang. Obviously, the level of deception involved in this makes me extremely uncomfortable, and this is my least favorite of the three options.

2. I can just fess up and tell her about the spontaneous bridal salon visit and the dress. I have no doubt that she will make things pretty unpleasant for me and my fiance if I tell her the whole truth. This is, after all, a woman who once justified a totally, totally inappropriate remark she made to us by saying "You're being mean to me, my dog almost died yesterday!!" when my fiance called her out on what she said. She (as I said above) has an unbelievable capacity for convincing herself that she's constantly being wronged.

3. I can set up a few appointments at salons closer to where she lives, let her have her moment, and then eventually tell her that I found a dress while out with my mom and sister (totally plausible, as my sister is getting married in about ten months). This is probably the least stressful/most satisfactory option - she has her moment, I still have my dress, and no one gets their feelings hurt. I do realize that this does come with the outside chance of me trying on a dress that I like better than the one I already have.

So...what would you do? Any suggestions? I don't want to hurt my future mother in law's feelings, but I don't like the idea of lying outright to her...As I said in the subject, I know this is a situation of my own making, and I'm not excusing my part in it, I'm just looking for advice as to how to resolve it. Thanks ladies!!

Re: Ohmigosh, I'm in a jam (totally of my own making) **long**

  • Yikes, that's a tough one!!

    While #1 is an excellent idea, I agree it's pretty deceptive-I could personally never do it.

    #3 is good, but still involves lying...which I may or may not be able to do. My FMIL, I couldn't do it. Plus the whole trying on additional dresses thing.

    So, I think I'd end up doing #2, but that's just me. I too had asked FMIL if she'd want to go dress shopping with me...but she never brought it up, and I went with my mom and sister. But, my mom was buying my dress, so I really couldn't go without her, and it's not very feasible for my mom, FMIL, and me to all get together to go as my family lives 900 miles away (I live in the same town as FMIL). So I did tell her I found the dress. I think she was a little disappointed because she kind of joked with FI "well I guess we're not going wedding dress shopping" or something. I felt bad, but again, my mom was buying it! I did offer to go MOG dress shopping with her, if she'd like to take me up on the offer.

    Sorry it worked out that way, but congrats on finding your dress!
    imageAnniversary
  • ::sigh::

    All of those choices are hard!  I don't think option 1 should even be a choice. so let's leave that one alone.  I really and truly think honesty is nearly always the best policy, but I might go with option 3 there. 

    Just say "Hey, my aunts took me out totally spur of the moment a few weeks ago and I found a dress that I like but I'd like to look a bit more.  I really want you to come with me."  Pick a day and go.  If you are as decisive as you say (I am!) then you won't find something you like better.  Depending on how she takes it, you can show her the dress you bought either before or after, but make it known it exists so she's clear on what is going on.
  • Thanks ladies...I'm generally an "honesty is the best policy" type myself, but I also know my future mother in law and how she'll react to this whole thing.

    Joy, I like the idea of acknowledging that there was a spur of the moment dress shopping trip, and putting it out there that there was a dress I liked, and leaving it at that. I'll probably use that along with number #3 (which is is also the option my fiance thinks she'll handle the best).
  • Make sure to invite her to do other girly things with you - do you still need shoes, jewelry, a veil? Also, you can bring her with you to the fittings to get a special "sneak peek" (I'm doing this with fmil and my grandmother, because I wanted dress shopping to be just me and my mom). Also, go with her to find her dress - she's probably dying for a woman's opinion after years of just her husband and sons!
    Follow Me (and my wedding!) on Pinterest
    50 in 2012 Reading Challenge: 2 books read
    my read shelf:

    Katie Rizzo's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I like Joy's suggestion, it's mostly honest, but just a little white lie to spare her feelings.  After your shopping trip with her, let her know that you still really loved the first dress, so you had your aunt go to the store and purchase it because it was on a great sale (to explain why you didn't want to wait and go with her to buy it), and that you can't wait to give her a fashion show to show it off and continue shopping with her for all the accessories. 
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Another bride posted about a similar situation a week or so ago. She didn't care for the responses she recieved. Here's the link, if you're interested:

    http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_hurt-future-mother-laws-feelings-please

    I'm surprised that the shop would go to all that trouble to cover for you, when you already have the dress in your possession. I don't think lying is your best option. You made a promise to your fmil and knew she was excited about shopping for your dress. If you are caught in a lie on top of that, she is going to be hurt and angry.

    Do you need alterations on the dress? You could set up an appointment with a seemstress to try the dress on and bring your FMIL with you. Take her out to lunch after. If your dress is a perfect fit, bring it to her house and try it on just for her. If you are honest about what happened, she might appreciate the private showing. Let her know that you still want to include her in the other girly stuff that you have talked about.

    Good luck

                       
  • edited December 2011

    I would go with option number 3.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ohmigosh-im-jam-totally-of-own-making-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:364cf0f3-7f8e-45b8-9c86-cde85e4ffb72Post:8fa69d30-7c6d-4448-ba13-dbfc8ffb83bf">Re: Ohmigosh, I'm in a jam (totally of my own making) **long**</a>:
    [QUOTE]Another bride posted about a similar situation a week or so ago. She didn't care for the responses she recieved. Here's the link, if you're interested: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_hurt-future-mother-laws-feelings-please">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_hurt-future-mother-laws-feelings-please</a> I'm surprised that the shop would go to all that trouble to cover for you, when you already have the dress in your possession. I don't think lying is your best option. You made a promise to your fmil and knew she was excited about shopping for your dress. If you are caught in a lie on top of that, she is going to be hurt and angry. Do you need alterations on the dress? You could set up an appointment with a seemstress to try the dress on and bring your FMIL with you. Take her out to lunch after. If your dress is a perfect fit, bring it to her house and try it on just for her. If you are honest about what happened, she might appreciate the private showing. Let her know that you still want to include her in the other girly stuff that you have talked about. Good luck
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]
    i was about to say i thought i read this post already...but i was thinking of the one above.

    anyway i agree with the above about being honest and as genuine about it as you can...you got swept away in the moment and im sure didnt go there intending to pruchase.

    Maybe take her just the two of you for the first fitting...or just to try it back on and have her help pick out accessories. Maybe even go with her to help her pick out a dress. She is most likely going to be let down and a little hurt, but again word what happened in the most genuine way possible and try any thing to show you do want her involved.
  • I think you should just fess up, and offer to take her with you to the fittings, and let her give her opinion on how to bustle the train and everything else.  

    If you go try on more dresses, you could find one you like better, and regret the first one (and the second dress could be crazy expensive).  So there is that risk.  Not to mention if she found out you lied to her, she would probably be even more furious than she will be when you just tell her that it was spur of the moment and completely unplanned.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ohmigosh-im-jam-totally-of-own-making-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:364cf0f3-7f8e-45b8-9c86-cde85e4ffb72Post:93da855a-0c0b-4853-a2c6-ea7dd0ade468">Re: Ohmigosh, I'm in a jam (totally of my own making) **long**</a>:
    [QUOTE]" Gosh!  FMIL!  I really need your help!  I found this dress!  It was a sample, and another bride wanted it, so on the spur of the moment, I bought it!  I can't return it!  Please let me show it to you!  I really hope you like it as much as I do!  I'm so nervous about this!  I just know you can make me feel better about this!  When can I come over?  Oh, thank you!  You always know the right thing to say!"  (You don't need to tell her who you were with when you bought it.)
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    THIS!
    image March 2012 Bride Siggy Challenge
  • I totally understand your predicament.  My mother is EXACTLY like you FMIL. I actually have a similar situation going on- we bought a sample dress for $50!!!! at a going out of business sale.  When we left the store, my mother was in tears complaining that she hasn't had the "real wedding dress shopping experience."  Seriously, after finding a beautiful dress for $50, this was her response.  Your FMIL is likely like my mother, she wants the experience of "Say Yes to the Dress." But she is probably not as interested in being there when you actually buy the dress (unless she wants to be the one to pick it out for you... and that is a whole other problem!)  It sounds like your FMIL wants the experience of dress shopping.

    So while Option #1 sounds fantastic, you risk her finding out in the end which will cause even more drama.  I think going shopping with her is the ideal choice because it is the experience of dress shopping that she wants becasue you will be her first daughter.  My suggestion is tell her the truth about the dress but tell her your aunts who were only visiting for a short time took you shopping, you only bought it because it was a great deal and you know you could sell it if you found something you liked better, and that you would really like to go shopping with her.  I find reassuring my mother that I want her to be part of the process is going to be a special thing for her to hear from you.  People like your FMIL are difficult, but if you can frame things in a neutral way or a way that makes them feel special, you are golden.  Take it from a master of this trick :) 

    Best of luck to you! 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards