I’m sad. I know I shouldn’t be. I know that being sad is
just being selfish – which in all honesty just makes me feel worse for feeling
sad. I’ve made this huge thing about me, and that’s not fair. There is far
worse going on in the world right now, and I am far from unaware. I could be
much worse off. I could be sick or dying – sad and alone in the hospital. Or
even worse, my family members and friends could be sick or dying – with the
inability for any of us to be by their sides. I see healthcare workers working
in crazy conditions - I know how bad it has become and that it will probably
get much worse. I can’t guarantee that everyone will make it out alive, that I’ll
be able to keep my job, or that there will be no other financial, emotional or
physical repercussions from this terrible time. I know all of this. I am a
logical, intelligent (at least somewhat) adult that gets it. But right now, I
am sad. And it’s hard for me to snap out of.
My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years. We got engaged
on a vacation in 2017 and took our time planning a wedding… our perfect
wedding. We sent the save the dates out for our Mexican destination wedding 18
months in advance. We planned it all. From finding a travel agent to the after
party bonfire to the excursions we would go on. We fought over welcome bags and
a bridal party, agonized over a seating chart and flowers. Felt joy with each
of our 72 “yes” RSVPs and the heartbreaking sadness as family members and
lifelong friends said they couldn’t make it. Bachelor and bachelorette parties
were planned, registries and showers set. And then it hit. It was all for
nothing.
As the country started getting scared, so did we. But, it was
still months away, we would be fine, right? And then it hit closer to home. Our
county was increasing and shut downs started. Then the calls started.. and the
texts.. messages from the travel agent. It was time to cancel. Do you know what
is not fun about having to cancel all your plans? Not only does it feel like
you’ve wasted countless hours of your life for the past few years (I’m talking
about you, push-ups and invitation labeling), but now you have to do even more
work – just to be sad. You have to actually cancel everything, and talk to
everyone to let them know, and what about the gifts? Do I return them? What a mess.
Over the last 8 years, my fiancé and I have celebrated 16
couples on their special day. We’ve traveled for weddings, showers, bachelor
& bachelorette celebrations, and we’ve done so happily. I get so excited
for everyone and their special day. I know I’m being selfish when I say – I wanted
that for me. It’s not fair that I can’t have it. I’ve heard it all – it’s just
postponing, things will be great when they happen, we’ll celebrate no matter
what. I know those things are true. I know that I will marry my fiancé. I know
that I will spend the rest of my life with him, the good moments and these sad
ones. I know all of that. But sometimes my logical side doesn’t overcome that
emotional one, and I’m just sad. I know that no one did anything wrong here and
this cancellation had to be done – everyone needs to stay safe and there are
far more important things than my wedding day. But it was supposed to be my wedding
day. 46 days from today was supposed to be my wedding day. And I’m sad about
that.
I suppose I don't know why I wrote this. I guess writing it here made it a little easier than having to say the words aloud. Just in case any of you are feeling like me, know that you're not alone.